The_Munchmaster

Which one are you talking about TB? The one about the Kiwi builder and the Aussie turf layers or the one about the Irish moose hunters or the one about the drunk Irishman?

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day. Mick, the bartender says, "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight Paddyâ?Â. Paddy replies, "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then." Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. He pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face again! He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly-crawls to the door and shimmies up the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face. "'Bejesus ... I'm screwed," he says. He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs, then crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says, "I can make it to the bed." He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He crawls over and falls into bed. The next morning, his wife Jess comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?" Paddy says, "I did Jess. But how'd you know?" "Mick phoned. You left your wheelchair at the pub."

Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They managed to bag 6. As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose. The two lads objected strongly. 'Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours.' Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down. Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Paddy, Mick and the pilot survived the crash. After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, 'Any idea where we are?' Mick replied, 'I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year.'

Pete the Kiwi builder was going through a house he had just built, with the woman who owned it, and she was telling him what colour to paint each room. They went into the first room and she said "I want this room to be painted a light blue." Pete went to the front door and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" When he went back into the house, she told him that the next room was to be bright red. Pete went to the front door and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" When he went back into the house, she told him that the next room was to be tan. Pete again went to the front door and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" When he came back, the lady was pretty curious, so she said to him, "I keep telling you colours, but you just go out the front and yell green side up; what is that for?" Pete replied, "Oh don't worry about that, it's because I've got a couple of Aussies laying the turf out front."

TB, they did better than the Aussie rugby team.

One day a man went on a business trip to Florida. He saw this hooker and he asked, "How much for a hand job?" The hooker replied, "100 Dollars." The man said, "100 Dollars, that's a lot of goddamn money." So the hooker pulled him to the side and said, "See that Mercedes, I paid for that by giving hand jobs." So he gave her the money and received the best hand job he had ever had. The next day he saw her again and asked, "How much for a head job?" She replied, "200 Dollars" "200 Dollars, that's a lot of goddamn money" She pulled him to the side and said, "You see that yacht by the pier, I paid for that yacht by giving head jobs." So he gave her the money and got the best head job of his life. On his last day in Florida he returned to the hooker and said, "The hand job was good, the head job was great, how much for the whole package." "1000 Dollars", she replied. "1000 dollars, that's a lot of goddamn money". So she pulled him to one side and said, "You see that island over there. I could afford that if I had a pussy."

Teddy, there's no way KS is going to get that one.

Roger is buying his cousin's used motorcycle. He says, "My God, it's so shiny! It's like new! What's your secret?" His cousin says, "Well, any time it's about to rain, I coat the chrome with some Vaseline so it won't tarnish. In fact, I won't be needing this any longer, take my pot." Roger and his girlfriend are going to her parents' house for dinner for the first time, so he goes to pick her up on the motorcycle. As she's getting on the bike behind him, she says, "Listen, I have to tell you something. My family's a little strange. You can't talk during dinner. If you talk during dinner, you have to do the dishes. "When they walk into her parents' house, not only in the kitchen, but in the dining room, the living room, on the stairs, the back porch, everywhere, there are piles and piles of dirty dishes. They haven't done the dishes in months. They sit down to eat, and the whole meal, nobody talks. It's the end of the meal, Roger is getting a little horny, and he figures nobody is going to say anything, so he grabs his girlfriend, and pops her right there on the dining room table. Nobody says anything. He's still a little horny, and her mother is kind of cute, so he figures, "What the hell?" He throws her mother up on the table and starts to do her. He's just about done with her, when he looks out the window and sees it's starting to rain on his motorcycle. He reaches into his pocket and takes out the tube of Vaseline. Her father jumps up and says, "All right, all right, I'll do the fucking dishes."

A guy walks into an elevator and stands next to a beautiful woman. After a few minutes he turns to her and says, "Can I smell your pussy?" The woman looks at him in disgust and says, "Certainly not!" "Hmmm," he replies. "It must be your feet, then."

A man walks up to a woman in his office and tells her that her hair smells nice. The woman immediately goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit and explains why. The supervisor is puzzled by this and says, "What's wrong with the co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?" The woman replies, "Coz he's a midget."

Husband wakes at 5 in the morning feeling really horny. He nudges his wife and says, "Honey give me a blow job." His wife replies, "Sweetheart I'm tired, just have a wank in a glass and I'll drink it later."

What causes earthquakes?

A woman goes into a shop to buy a rod and reel as a gift. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter where there's a shop assistant wearing dark shades. "Excuse me sir" she says "can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" The assistant replies "Ma'am I'm blind but if you drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes." She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said, "That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb test line...It's a good all around rod and reel and it's only $20.00". The lady said, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it." He walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime the woman breaks wind big-time. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her...being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only person around. The assistant rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50." She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?" "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, but the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50."

A man goes into a bar on the Shankill Road in Belfast with his pet crocodile. He asks, "Do you serve Catholics?" The bartender replies, "Yes, we're very open-minded here. What can I get you?" The man replies, "A pint of Guinness and 2 Catholics for the crocodile."

Kenny came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinko drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife, who was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the hell are you?", demanded Kenny, "And what are you doing in my bedroom?" The mysterious Man answered, "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter." Kenny was stunned. "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me back straight away." St Peter replied, "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen." Kenny was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. 'This ain't so bad', he thought, until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So, you're the new hen. How are you enjoying your first day here?" "It's not so bad" replies Kenny, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode". "You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before". "Never" replies Kenny. "Well, just relax and let it happen." And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him... ever!!! The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting, "Kenny, wake up you drunken bastard, you're shitting the bed!"

One day a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweat-shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?" "It depends," she replied. "What does it say on your shirt?" He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."

A man comes home early from work one day to find his best mate in bed with his wife. Overcome by anger he stabs him to death! The wife, shaking her head, looks at him and says, "Keep that up and pretty soon you'll have no friends left!"

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a London lawyer and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!! Glasgow cop says," License and registration, please." London Lawyer says, "What for?" Glasgow cop says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign." London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming." Glasgow cop says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. Your license and registration, please." London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?" Glasgow cop says, "The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. Your license and registration, please." London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket." Glasgow cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir." The London Lawyer exits his vehicle. The Glasgow cop then takes out his baton and starts beating the crap out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"

A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo. She was wearing a loose-fitting pink dress, sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual jeans and t-shirt. As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla. Noticing the wife, the gorilla immediately went crazy. He jumped on the bars and, holding on with one hand and 2 feet, he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously very excited by the pretty lady in the pink dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny. He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got extremely excited, now making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her dress straps fall to show a little more skin. She did and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down! "Now, show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips and charging the bars! Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla, slammed the cage door shut and said, "Now, tell him you've got a headache."

Torneyboy also reposted one of my jokes, difference is he reposted it twice! Maybe it's an Aussie thing.

Coma Sex There's a woman in a hospital in a coma. Her nurse notices after a few days that every time she sponge bathes the woman around the crotch, her vital signs, according to the nearby monitor, increase significantly. The nurse gets the bright idea that oral sex might just provide the stimulus to bring the woman out of her coma. She calls the woman's husband, tells him her idea about oral sex, and he agrees. When he arrives at the hospital, the nurse ushers him into the room, closes the curtain around the bed, and closes the door. Five minutes later, the man comes running out of the room screaming that all of his wife's vital signs have plummeted to zero and she needs a doctor immediately. The nurse, upset that her idea had not only not worked, but seemed to be threatening the life of the woman she had sought to save, asked the man what had happened. "I'm not sure, but I think she choked".

Here is the script of a recent interview between Madonna and Ali G. Ali: So Madge, is you really preggers or as you just got a spare tyre up your jumper? Madonna: No, I am five months pregnant, Ali. Ali: Wicked. So you ain't bin frough da menaplaws yet den? M: No, I thought I'd better have another baby before my time ran out, so to speak. Ali: Aiiih, fer real. An who is da dad? Does you even know who da dad is? M: Of course I know who the father is. It's my boyfriend, Guy. Ali: An is e related to dat geezer who make all da fireworks for bonfire night? M: No, he's a film director. He directed 'Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels'. Ali: Wow, dat is a wicked film. Did you know dat Vinnie Jones once grabbed Gazza's balls an squeezed em till Gazza started cryin. Dat was bad,man. Respec to Vinnie, but if e did dat to me I'd knock im spark out wiv da one inch punch. M: I've met Vinnie and he is a very nice guy actually. Ali: Whatever. Anyways, you is known as da Immaterial Girl. Is dat cos your talent is immaterial compared to your ability to get your kit off? M: Actually Ali, I am sometimes referred to as the *Material* Girl. Ali: But dat is a bit stupid, innit? Every time I sees you, you ain't even wearing any material. You is usually stark bollock naked, if you ekscuseme french. M: That's not true. I did write a book called 'SEX' a while ago and I appeared nude in several photos, but that was more artistic than pornographic. Ali: Aiiih, me mate Dave borrowed me dat book an you was showing your punnani on nearly every page. Well, all da pages dat were stuck togever after me mate Dave kept spillin is coffee on dem. Well, dat is what e told me, but I fink e was usin it to crack one off, if you know what I mean? M: I think I know what you mean Ali. Boys will be boys. Ali: Fer real, an you don't mind im crackin one off all over you? M: No, not at all. I'm quite flattered actually. Ali: You wouldn't be sayin dat if you saw Dave. E is mingin. Anyway, in one a dem pictures you is gettin it from behind by dat Vanilla Ice. Me mate Dave reckoned you was takin it up da ass, but me Julie says dat you is too classy for dat. M: I wasn't taking it in either orifice. Ali: Why's dat? Couldn't da Ice Ice Baby get it up? Cos I erd e is a batty boy. M: No, it was just a photograph. Nothing was going on. It was a book about fantasies, that's all. Ali: Aiiih. But as you ever takin it up da Gary Glitter? Or is dat a personal question? M: I have had all kinds of sex in my time, Ali. I've tried everything, including anal sex. Ali: Wicked. Now me Julie ain't got no excuses. Next time she says no, I'll tell er if it's good enuff for Madonna, it's good enuff for a bitch from East Staines. M: You shouldn't force someone into doing it Ali. Ali: No, me just slide it in an pretend it was an accident. M: No, Ali. Ali: Anyway, what about dat Naomi Campbell? Did you really av a lez up wiv er while Big Daddy Kane was watchin? Cos dat is eksactly da fing I wants me Julie to do. She can get jiggy wiv one of er mates from da airdressers, maybe Becky or dat Sally bitch, an all I is askin is to watch. Den maybe join in when dey is gaggin for a cock. M: I've heard that is a fantasy for most men. That is why I put it in the book. Ali: Fer real. So I ain't a pervert den, like me Julie keeps tellin me. M: No, not at all. Ali: Fer real. I is in for a treat tonight. A freesome, an up da batty for Julie when me gets home. M: Only if she wants to Ali. Ali: Whatever. Was you really a virgin when you sang dat 'Like A Virgin'? M: No. It wasn't literally about being a virgin. It was a metaphor for how someone can make you feel when they touch you. Ali: On da punnani? M: No, anywhere. Ali: Me know what you is sayin. Me Julie said she was a virgin da first time I shagged er in da changin rooms of da John Nike Leisure Centre. But den I shagged er again a few momphs later after da all-night drum'n'bass party an she told me she was a virgin den too. I fink she was lyin a second time. M: I think she might have been lying the first time as well. Ali: Is you sayin me Julie as been wiv someone else? M: Maybe. Ali: Dat is it. I is dumpin er. I ain't goin wiv no slapper. Anyway,I erd dat is you knockin on fifty. Ain't you fought about retirin? Surely you as got enuff squid in da bank. M: Actually, I'm only in my early forties. And I will never retire, even after I have my second child. I love work too much. Ali: Den you is mad. If I ad as much squid as you I'd just sit back an chill wiv da biggest spliff in da world an listen to speed garage all day. Now I know why you is called MADonna, cos you is MAD. Anyway, fank you Madonna. M: Why, thank you Ali. And would you like to be in my new video? Ali: Aiiih, wicked. As long as dere ain't no batty boys in it like dat Rupert Everest. Dis time you can bounce on a real man's lap, if you know what I is sayin. Respec. So, to all you bitches out dere. If your boyfriend aks you to take it up da ass or av a freesome e is not a pervert. Me main girl Madonna ere says it's cool. West side!

A guy decides that maybe he'd like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop. After looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch but it doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says out loud,"Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?" The parrot answers the guy's question, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot." "Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me." "I understood every word," says the parrot. "I am a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird." "Oh, yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this. How do you hang on to your perch without any feet?" "Well," the parrot says, "this is a little embarrassing, but since you asked I'll tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers." "Wow," says the guy, "you really can understand and answer, can't you?" "Of course. I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any subject, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy...and I am especially good at ornithology. You ought to buy me. I am a great companion." The guy looks at the price tag. $200. He says, "I can't afford that." "Pssst," the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing. Nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can get me for $20, just make an offer." The guy offers 20 dollars and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He's funny, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, gives good advice. The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "Pssst," and motions him over with one wing. The guy goes up close to the cage. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not", says the parrot,but it's about your wife and the mailman..." "What?" says the guy. "What?" "Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today your wife greeted him in a sheer nightgown and kissed him on the mouth." "What happened then?" asks the guy. "Then the mailman came into the house and lifted up the nightgown and began petting her all over," reports the parrot. "My God!!" the guy says. "Then what?" "Then he lifted up the nightgown, got down on his knees and began to lick her body, starting with her breasts slowly going down and down..." The parrot pauses for a long time... "What happened? What happened?" says the frantic guy. "I don't know," says the parrot, "I got a hard-on and fell off my perch."

The Altzeimers is really taking hold TB. That's the third time that jokes been posted and two times by you!!

You and KS should stick to the 'knock knock' jokes. Nice and simple.