The_Munchmaster

That's the second time today that you have referred to us as 'Scotch'. We're not 'Scotch', we're 'Scots' or 'Scottish'. :thumbup:

Hee, hee, hee.

I'm fucked if I know what she could possibly be smiling about.

I was asked to run a marathon. I said, "Piss off". They said "Come on, it's for spastics and blind kids." Then I thought... "F*ck, I could win this."

Two black guys were walking along a road when they were struck by a police car driven by a drunken cop on his way home from the pub. One guy was thrown through the windscreen and the other was knocked down an embankment. The first guy was charged with breaking and entering and the second with leaving the scene of an accident.

Three blonde sisters went to a garage sale and bought a Genie lamp and took it home. When they got home the Genie came out and said: "I will grant three wishes, one for each of you." The first said, "I wish I were more intelligent." So the Genie turned her into redhead. The second blonde said, "I wish I were smarter than her." She became a brunette. The third blonde said, "I wish I were smarter than both of them." So the Genie turned her into a man.

Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A blonde walks by and asked them what they were doing. Paddy replied, "We're supposed to be finding the height of this flagpole, but we don't have a ladder." The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag, loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down. She got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few measurements, and announced that it was 18 feet 6 inches. Then, she walked off. Mick said to Paddy, "Isn't that just like a blonde! We need the height and she gives us the length."

Ted Nugent, rock star and avid bow hunter from Michigan, was being interviewed by a French journalist and animal rights activist. The discussion came around to deer hunting. The journalist asked, 'What do you think is the last thought in the head of a deer before you shoot him? Is it, 'Are you my friend?' or is it 'Are you the one who killed my brother?' Nugent replied, 'Deer aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about is, 'What am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away. They are very much like the French.' The interview ended at that point.

He should have just shagged her.

It would still have cost me more than â?¬150.

It wasn't that funny!

We want new jokes TB.

When I first saw the picture of the guy with the red CK underwear I thought it was Candyfloss! There's definitely a striking resemblance when he hasn't shaved for a few days.

Pictures that were taken shortly before they were deported to Australia. :smirk:

Of course he would, because Scots have class. He would step over them, pick up the whisky and, while gazing at their beautiful bodies and deciding what would be the best position with which to pleasure them all at the same time, slowly drink the whisky, savouring every last drop of nectar and comparing it to the juices that would soon be flowing from the wet pussies in front of him, then disrobe and shag them. An Aussie would of course fall flat on his face, in his urgency to get his strides off while still wearing his shoes, and make a right arse of himself.

Scraping the barrel now TB.

Lame excuse. Bollocks.

Teddy, you're obviously really hard up for new material when you resort to posting jokes that I already posted on 13 August.

A Muslim couple, preparing for their wedding meet the Mullah for counselling. The Mullah asks if they have any last questions before they leave. The man asks, "We realize its a tradition in Islam for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women. But, at our wedding reception, we'd like your permission to dance together." "Absolutely not", says the Mullah, "itâ??s immoral. Men and women always dance separately." "So after the ceremony, I canâ??t even dance with my wife?" "No", answered the Mullah, "its forbidden in Islam." "Well. OK", says the man, "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?" "Of course!" replies the Mullah, "Sex is OK within marriage to have children!" "What about different positions?" asks the man. "No problem", says the Mullah. "Woman on top?" the man asks. "Sure", says the Mullah. "Go for it." "Doggy style?" "Sure!" "On the kitchen table?" "Yes, yes!" "Can we do it with all my four wives together, on rubber sheets, with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, leather harness, a bucket of honey and a porn video?" "You may indeed!" replied the Mullah. "Can we do it standing up?" "Certainly not!", says the Mullah. "But why not?" asks the man. "Because that could lead to dancing", replied the Mullah.

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale has hit Pakistan. Two million Pakistanis have died and over a million are injured. The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock. The United States is sending troops to help. Saudi Arabia is sending oil. Latin American countries are sending supplies. New Zealand is sending sheep, cattle and food crops. The rest of the European community (except France) is sending money. The Asian continents are sending labour to assist in rebuilding infrastructure. Australia is sending medical teams and supplies The Brits, not to be outdone, are sending two million replacement Pakistanis! God Bless British generosity!!!

Agreed. However the conference organiser was English, which explains the cock-up.

Teddy, the football match was a 'friendly' international between Scotland and England which was being played at Hampden Park in Glasgow. The Englishmen had taken the GNER service from London to Edinburgh the previous day, before travelling through to Glasgow on match day. They were staying in Edinburgh because they felt a lot safer there.

Teddy, are you suggesting that Sydney is full of wankers? :hubba:

Actually Teddy it was a Scottish train, which was travelling from Edinburgh to Glasgow, and the toilets on Scottish trains are somewhat larger than on the English versions.

First of all there is an obvious typo in line 13, which should read, "the Scotsmen. When they board the train the three Scots cram into a toilet and the three Englishmen cram into another" The joke is not a laugh your cock off type of joke, it's more of a subtle joke (and this probably explains Mekongs problem) which would warrant more of a subdued chortle rather than a hearty laugh. However neither reaction should occur prior to the words "tickets please". Hope this helps.