SiLeakHunt Posted January 30, 2004 Report Share Posted January 30, 2004 Reet, there's been the running trip report that's kept folk abreast of the London Contingent's recent foray into bandit country. I thought it would be decent of me to put fingertips to keyboard and shed some light on proceedings. Please bear in mind that I am a confirmed alcoholic (of the binging variety) and as such can give no warranty on the accuracy of my report. What I'm presenting to you is merely what my Carlsberg and Guinness addled cerebrum has allowed me to recall. There's a few bits I've had to omit because of board rules and if other people want to shed light on what was rumoured that's up to them. I've also (in accordance with board rules) changed the names of all but one of the girls (where her name is poignant to the text) in order to protect their anonymity. As a prelude I'd like to point out that prior to take off I was having second thoughts about being in attendance due to fiscal issues, however my good friend Ckrisg who is truly a saint among halfwits decided to take advantage of my building skills and commissioned a garden wall from me, which I constructed to a high standard of workmanship at a very competitive price (if anyone needs any building work doing please PM me). With a good section of Ckrisg's home improvement loan in my wallet the trip became a viable option and being the diamond that he is Ckrisg even gave me a lift to Manchester airport on Friday the 12th of December. I checked in, wanked about, bought some condoms and shaving foam from Boots then paid £6.80 for what the cafeteria staff laughingly called 'a breakfast'. With the time rapidly approaching 1pm I needed to go to the bar and sat and drank Guinness while I watched the shell suited masses of northern England ferry themselves about in preparation for 8 days in Alecante or wherever they see fit to tan their tattoos. Air France for whatever reason had decided to bump me and my fellow passengers on the connecting flight to Paris (where I was due to meet STH & Carew) onto a later one and I sat and chewed the fat with a French Engineer who was working in the UK and heading home for Xmas. Eventually at around the gallon mark, we got called to a plane and fucked off. We arrived at Charles de Gaul with about 30 minutes to spare before the flight to BKK and I had to ferret my way round some concrete corridors while the French stood round smelling of Garlic and discussed 'le plume de ma tante'. I managed to smoke a quick tab before getting on board and headed for my seat expecting to see STH & Carew in situ (we'd contrived with the operator to be seated together on the long haul). They weren't there. For a moment I was worried in case of mishaps then the cunt in me started to think 'Well. If the bastards miss it I've got three seats to myself for the next twelve hours.' I sat fingers crossed, trying to remember the specific words of prayers like the Hail Mary and the Our Father hoping they'd been unavoidably delayed so that selfish old SLH could put his feet up. They arrived with seconds to spare and barged their way to join me. I was actually glad to see them in the end, as I hadn't set eyes on them as a pair in over three months. We took off and had our meal. About a week before the trip I'd managed to get my hands on some Tomazepan (long story, some other time) and dished them out after having relieved the drinks trolley of it's contents. We all woke almost simultaneously an hour out of Bangkok. Those smokers' cabins at Don Muang are a Godsend. Fuck getting through immigration I needed to restock my lungs with Philip Morris's finest carcinogens. After 2 hastily strained Marlboro's (not Lights' cos they're for pufters) we headed through procedures (still hazy from the pills) and all three of us made it through without arrest, deportation or a rubber glove. The taxi dropped me on Soi 3 and I tottered off in the wrong direction for the Nana Inn, while it took my dubious accomplices off to their resides (Majestic STH & Dysentery Carew). After hauling my bag 200 yards down Soi 3 I looked over my shoulder thinking 'fuck me it's further than I remembered' then I saw the signage of my abode, about turned and trudged, sweating like a rent boy in August back the way I'd come. Shit, shower, shave, and shop to get a SIM for my mobile. The phone wouldn't take a Thai SIM so I got a brand new phone from that shopping centre near KFC between Soi's 4 & Zero. I think we congregated in the Dysentery coffee shop that day although I could be wrong and not long into the proceedings Kipster 100 turned up. He's a very old friend of mine and we go back a long way and the lucky cunt now lives in BKK. It was good to see him. Myself and K 100 headed down to Soi 7 Biergarden where a meet with the enigmatic Fiery Jack had been arranged. Carew & STH stayed a while while they fannied about. It was the first time I've had the pleasure of worshipping at Wat Biergarden and when I walked in realised it was going to be difficult spotting a guy who the only description I had to go on was 'He's a drunk'. Me and Kipster took a seat by the bar. A lady with a distant look on her face came and sat next to me, explained she was Vietnamese, had been in Bangkok 3 days and wanted to give me a massage in my hotel. I bought her some food and a drink. Then another bird turned up with a stud in her nose and one in her tongue. She said hello to Kipster and spoke frighteningly good English. She was a lot cuter than the Viet, and when she sat on my knee and started kissing me the Viet bird fucked off. I was starting to think we'd never get to meet Fiery Jack, then out of the blue a mystical figure wearing lime green velvet flared trousers, a pair of purple suede Chelsea boots, a Stoke City away shirt (circa 1984) and a tartan checked deerstalker hat, appeared next to me. He said 'Are you waiting for Carew' I replied 'You must be Fiery Jack. I'm SiLeakHunt.' We shook hands. He must have recognised me from a description given by Carew, as me being of short to really short stature, with National Front tattooed on his forehead, wearing a Wigan Athletic shirt (circa 1972), eighteen hole Doc Martin boots and usually with a freshly sharpened Stanley knife either in his back pocket or on the bar next to his fags. We had a good chat, the bird sat on my knee got a few drinks out of me (she was called Bee and features heavily in this report) and Carew & STH arrived. We regrouped (accompanied by Bee at my insistence) down the Soi known as Cowboy. Then I realised where we were and that to shag the first bird that sits on your knee is bad form so I short timed a bird from Tilac. I was in the loving legs of some bird whose name I don't know and wearing nothing but a small rubber overcoat when my brand new Nokia rung, it was Kipster, I managed to answer it without extracting myself from the evil grip my captor had me in, and explained my whereabouts. He said 'Get yourself back down fucking here now Bee's going mad' I smiled on re-entering Tilac. What to me had seemed like a cunning piece of skulduggery was related to me later. Apparently some bird joined us; within earshot of Bee I'd said 'How much shortime?' I gave her some money while Bee watched then said I'll meet you outside one minute' and explained to Bee that I was going to get some fags.Forty-five minutes later I returned at the same time as the bird without any cigarettes and a big grin on my face. We regrouped down 33 in Monet (or Christies) and an old mate of mine who I used to play rugby with turned up. The crack was going well and we were joined by some of Kipster's mates resident in BKK. By now the throng was quite a large one and we headed down Pat Pong, things are a little vague because of the jetlag (fuck all to do with 30 bottles of Mr Carl S. Berg from Denmark). I have a very distinct memory of walking in a Go Go down Pat Pong to be greeted by about 12 or 13 birds dancing in bikinis and one bald, mid fifties fellow wearing silk boxer shorts with elephants on, a pair of grey socks and a pair of sensible brown leather shoes dancing on stage alongside them. Anyway the group got disbanded I wandered into Pink Panther (having misplaced Bee) ordered a drink and fell in a crumpled heap in a space where I thought there'd been a stool. Half an hour or so later I stumbled out in a Hotelwardly direction accompanied by a very pretty young girl with a cute figure and blonde hair. Back at the Nana Inn I engaged in some frisky exercises without the use of any products hailing from a rubber plantation. When I woke in the morning someone had kidnapped the stunner Id taken home and replaced her with a girl who looked like the large chinned ex Liverpool and England midfielder Peter Beardsley, she also had a cleft lip. I bare backed her again and fucked her off with some cash. There's a post on Polls at the moment called 'Abstinence before coming to Thailand' about guys who desist from any onanistic practices prior to a visit. I'd managed to keep my stomach clean by sleeping in boxing gloves for a few days prior to the trip. Despite an ST and an LT I'd not managed to fire the frog at anyone and decided (due to aching balls and a rapidly lowering centre of gravity) that I need to rectify the situation. I took the jobseekers limousine down to Soi 7 Biergarden, and as soon as I walked in I saw a very striking dark skinned lady in a short white dress. She was immaculately made up, had braided hair and was very, very pretty. 'You want drink?' 'Yes' 'What's your name?' 'An.' 'Want shortime?' 'Yes' Bangkok is shithot! When I got her back to the hotel she had a good figure although her 'Threpenny bits' were a bit saggy. We did the usual stint of naked yoga and I lay back to enable her to fellate me. She performed admirably and I smoked a Marlboro while she simultaneously wanked and sucked me. I shot a good seven days worth of nut juice in her mouth. She looked at me smiled and said 'I eat a lot of serpunk you.' The precise details of the next evening's manoeuvres are a little vague. I've a feeling I spent some time down 33 with Kipster and then headed down Cowboy. We were sat in one of the better known bars enjoying the Carlsberg and the ladies on stage in costume when a very pretty, somewhat drunk bargirl entered the room in elegant black non stage clothes. She bounded onto the stage and danced with her colleagues and proceeded to expose her firm and ample breasts to the applause of the pisscans in the audience. I attracted her attention bought her a drink, followed by a barfine and we exited. Her name was Noi and she was noticeably tipsy. We headed to Cathouse where the throng including STH, Carew, LaoHuLi, Maew (the Mamasan) and STH's new barfine. Noi was very popular and in her tinctured state insisted on showing her blouse puppies off to the rest of the drinkers. Top marks. I took her home, shagged her (with a rubber) and went to sleep. When I woke in the morning I shagged her again and as I'd spent a lot of money had to drag her along to the bank with me while I cashed a cheque to pay her off. We got a cab to her bar in Cowboy and sat outside eating Som Tam and pork on a stick for breakfast. I actually quite liked her, affable, funny, gorgeous (if surgically enhanced) tits. Nice arse and a fondness for liquor. My kind of girl. After eating I bade her farewell (with her number in my phone) and headed down to Nana. I did a bit of fannying on the Internet had a drink with Carew & STH and decided to go and get a short time. I walked into one of the bars on Soi4 and took a seat facing the street. A very pretty girl caught my eye and I smiled at her. She came and joined me and I bought her a drink. SLH 'What's your name?' BG 'Mon' I laughed, 'Alreet Mon?' You have to be from Wigan to get the full hit on that joke, and since Mon hailed from Udon Scamyou she didn't really get the drift. She just gave me that deep perceptive look that said 'If I play along with this pale skinned joker for a few hours I could walk out with enough money for 5 bottles of Sang Som and 10 packs of L&M' The Mamasan walked over and explained that it was Mon's first day in the bar. I managed to get her to agree to 1500 baht for shortime and scuttled back to the Nana Inn. I wasn't sure what to expect off a girl who'd only just started to work bar, and on entering her I found her surprisingly commodious. She also performed with the grace, agility, expertise and vigour you'd only expect to find within a seasoned virtuoso. I put it down to beginners luck and fired her off with the predetermined sum of currency. That afternoon I found time to go and train at a Muay Thai gym I've frequented on all my previous trips down in the Khao Sarn Rd area. I was pleasantly surprised to find that one of the farang fighters who trains there full time still remembered me after a two year gap, and that one of the retired trainers remembered me after I'd not seen him for nearly four. It really was refreshing and showed some of the better nature of a lot of the people in Thailand, despite the fact that I was seriously out of shape and tired quickly. After a couple hours sweating I changed and got something to eat on KSR. The incumbent, unwashed itinerants eyed me with a degree of caution in the restaurant I'd chosen when I ordered my meal in Thai. To fit in with that crowd you have to order banana pancake without detracting from your faux Australian travellers accent. After eating, it took me an hour and a half sat in a taxi to get back to Nana. I showered changed and hit the town. Again the precise details are sketchy, but me Kipster and my Rugby playing mate ended up sat outside Tilac enjoying a beer, catching up and swapping stories. I think we'd actually spent some time previously in Gullibles where I re met LaoHuLi, Kipster STH, Carew and Peter 1964 made his first appearance on my radar. I'd decided I couldn't be arsed looking for a new bird so rang Noi up from the previous night. She said she was in her bar. I went in to have a look but couldn't find her. Went back to sit outside Tilac and rung her again. She said she'd be there in 5 minutes. There was a lot of tooing and froing and eventually I walked into the bar she worked. When I saw her, her eyes were darting about all over the place and her pupils were dilating. Since Thailand is now officially a drug free country I presumed she had some form of Glaucoma. We went back to sit outside Tilac and carried on chatting. Peter 1964 appeared again momentarily and 2 am arrived. I explained to Noi that I wanted to carry on drinking, at least for a short while. At this point it's probably best to explain the extent of my Thai Language knowledge. I can say Sawasdee krap, Sabai dee Mai, Sabai dee etc, I can order a drink and haggle the price of an item, but I can't really hold a full conversation. But when I say hello or order two Carlsberg the girls start to think I can speak the lingo and start chatting to me like a native. Noi understood that I wanted another drink. She started rattling off at me about a place in Rachada and that we'd have to get a taxi. I assumed it was some sort of nightclub or disco and agreed. We got in the cab and headed off. During the day I'd spoken to Bee from the Soi7 Biergarden a few times, because I still had a bit of a thing for her and wouldn't have minded giving her some genetic information. In the taxi while I was sat with Noi I apologised to Bee by phone that I had kept her waiting in Soi7 for the last four hours and promised that I'd make it up to her. We arrived at what I was expecting to be a nightclub, which turned out to be a large warehouse with no walls just pillars. As I approached I saw it housed a large 'Cement Pool' (as me and Carew later described it in Jethro Clampet accents) where there were a few blokes sat around with fishing rods trying to catch fish. Some fucking nightclub. Noi chatted to one of the attendants who returned later with a bottle of Carlsberg and two fishing rods. At three in the morning I sat, next to a swimming pool full of fish, on my second Carlsberg, next to a prostitute, 6000 miles from home, trying to catch my supper. 'What the fuck am I doing here' I thought. We sorted out the bill left and returned to chez moi where I got my moneysworth out of her. In the morning after I'd paid her, while she was using the bathroom, I put a used condom from the floor in her purse as a memento of our nights together. More to follow ! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elef Posted January 30, 2004 Report Share Posted January 30, 2004 Hi SLH, "I thought it would be decent of me to put fingertips to keyboard" you used Word and copied? Read your masterpiece and you'll get surprised! elef Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SiLeakHunt Posted January 30, 2004 Author Report Share Posted January 30, 2004 Just spent 20 mins editing the cunt. Cheers Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BelgianBoy Posted January 30, 2004 Report Share Posted January 30, 2004 Sil, Great reading ! just make sure it does not take you 2 weeks for the next installment So, did Bee take it up ..... ? Cheers ! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spirit_of_town_hall Posted January 30, 2004 Report Share Posted January 30, 2004 Very entertaining report, I remember vividly your bewilderment the day after your fishing expedition. You were expecting some wild warehouse club with yaa baa frenzied BG's clamouring for you, instead you went angling! STH Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sayjann Posted January 30, 2004 Report Share Posted January 30, 2004 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chuckwoww Posted January 30, 2004 Report Share Posted January 30, 2004 Great stuff. Even non-smokers will appreciate it. SileakHunt has done for oral sex what Moby Dick did for harpoons. (Osaka Ladies Literary Journal). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted January 30, 2004 Report Share Posted January 30, 2004 Aren't you one talented indiviudal. Builder, writer, kick boxer, fisherman... A true tradesman! Top stuff. Some fucking nightclub. Noi chatted to one of the attendants who returned later with a bottle of Carlsberg and two fishing rods. At three in the morning I sat, next to a swimming pool full of fish, on my second Carlsberg, next to a prostitute, 6000 miles from home, trying to catch my supper. :applause: :bow: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Central Scrutinizer Posted January 31, 2004 Report Share Posted January 31, 2004 Silea, Thanks. Very entertaing trip report! Had me laughing out loud. You are a madman! Loved the fishing disco part! :-)More please! Cent Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
carew66 Posted February 20, 2004 Report Share Posted February 20, 2004 The thing is Cent, that although Sil has a wry and self-deprecating touch in his accounts, all this stuff actually happened! Getting the fishing episode from the horse's mouth the day after it happened (with Silheakunt's resigned and doleful delivery adding even more flavour) had me cracked up for the rest of the day. Only Silheakunt... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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