Buddy, the Thai Guy Neighbor in Surin-part 4

[Central Scrutinizer]

Buddy, the Thai Guy Neighbor in Surin--part 4

 

Some Observations and Stories on Middle Class Thai Men

 

 

-by Cent

 

 

 

After assessing the damage to Buddy's truck I once again tried to get him to let me drive. No go. I argued with him a bit about this, and started getting pissed off again with his stubborn refusal to admit that it might not be a good idea for him to drive. His brother stood there, doing nothing, and saying nothing to help. I guess he just couldn't care less about the whole thing. Face, a totally useless and dangerous concept of these people. A crowd had started to gather. Buddy just seemed to want to get away quickly, maybe thinking a cop might come along and this would bring other problems, worse than what his wife would say to him once she saw his damaged 4x4 Tiger Toyota. A look of desperation was in his eyes, and he pleaded with me to just get in the truck and go. I just wanted by this time to go home.

 

I got in the truck, much to Buddy's relief and off we roared, not missing getting rear ended by another truck that was tooling down the street as we backed out into the traffic by less than a few inches, causing the driver to have to swerve around us as he hit his brakes. I was beginning to feel like I was in a Dukes of Hazzards tv show. Daisy Duke was nowhere to be seen, regretfully. I always had loved her shorts. We sped off down the road, weaving a bit while Buddy moaned about his damaged rear bumper. I just watched the road, the traffic, which was lighter now thank Christ, and made sure he didn't kill us as we made our way back to Surin. It was only maybe a twenty minute ride back. Alas, Turt/Buddy wasn't up to the task. His driving became more erratic as we hit the open highway. I knew that last beer of his was a big mistake. After about ten minutes of trying to keep him on our side of the line, constantly barely avoiding a head on collision with oncoming traffic, (A couple of near misses there were, with headlights flashing at us and horns blaring), and constantly having to tell him to watch out for the berm or we'd end up in the fucking ditch with the water buffalo and weeds, I finally snapped. I was goddamned if I was going to die here because of this dope. I told him to pull over so I could take a leak. He understood that, and eventually pulled off the side of the road, almost ending up in the ditch. I got out and took a piss. I had to go bad. He had nearly scared the piss out of me a few times in that ten minutes, and I had an overwhelming need to go. Once out of the truck I knew I would not get back in unless he allowed me to finish the driving home. Fuck this shit!

 

I got out and pissed in the dust. When I was finished I went to the driver's door and told him to get the hell out so I could drive. He laughed and refused, and tried to cajole me into getting back in. I told him in no uncertain terms there was no fucking way I'd get back in the truck with him behind the wheel. He pouted. He tried to act tough. He whined. He then got out of the truck to argue with me, and fell into the dirt. I probably should have just knocked him out and thrown him in the bed of the truck and drove us home in relative safety, but how the fuck would I explain this to the wife and everyone else? I couldn't just slug him like I might a farang I knew who was set on killing himself, and everyone in the car with him. Still, he couldn't seem to get the fact through his thick skull that there was no way I was going to ride with him in the truck if he was the driver. I finally said fuck it and walked off back down the way we had come from. That way he couldn't follow me unless he turned the truck around, which I doubted he could do. I lit a smoke and continued walking, pissed off and muttering to myself about stupid fucking Thai assholes who couldn't hold their liquor, and who had a pathological need to be seen as the "boss", as the bigshot, a need to save face that was indeed a danger to this society and it's people, and even it's government. Some of these guys are nuts with this shit. Turt seemed to be one of them. He'd rather die than give up that steering wheel and admit he was too damned drunk to drive, especially, probably, most certainly, to a farang at that. He'd lose face, and heaven forbid that, right? A truly "Retarded" concept is all I can say.

 

I stopped about 100 yards down the road and smoked my cigarette and fumed. I got out my cell phone and called my wife and her Sis. Once she answered the phone I told her what was going on, and said, "Get in the truck and come and get me. I'm not going anywhere with this fucking drunken fool!" "Where are you?" she asked. "I'll be damned if I know!" I tell her back. "You just talked to Buddy about 15 minutes or so ago. Didn't you find out from him where we were?" "Yes." she says, "I know city from parents, but not where you stay. Where are you now?" "On the side of the highway darling, waiting for you to come pick me up!" I mumbled to her, "I don't know, but the highway signs say highway number suchandsuch." "Okay," she says, "let me ask Sister where you are. She know highway." I looked around back at the truck of Turt's to see what the hell he was up to. He was standing behind his truck waving me to come to him. I ignored him. "My Dtree, come back!" he yelled to me. "We go home now." I waved him off in disgust, and noticed a small house up the road a bit further with the lights on and front door open. I started walking that way. I had an idea to get me the fuck out of there. Sis came on the phone and started asking me questions about my whereabouts, and about Buddy and all that. I answered her as I walked along the dirt berm and finally came to the dusty dirt driveway that lead to the house I'd noticed. I told Sis to hang on the phone. I was going to find out exactly where the hell I was, and get directions so they could come get me. I told Sis my plan. She said she and the wife were already in our truck and heading to get me. I walked down the dirt driveway, eyeballing a mangy little mutt lying in the dirt that was growling lightly at me as I walked toward the front door of the house. His hackles were up, and he seemed none to pleased for me to be invading his territory. Fuck him. He was a little fucker, and I was in no mood for his shit. I told him to shut up before I brained his ass and walked up to the open door. There to my surprise were about five Thai ladies sitting in a barely furnished living room turned hair salon.

 

The lasses all looked up in shock when they heard me knock on the doorframe. What the hell was a farang doing way the hell out here was what their expressions were saying. Three of the girls were pretty, one an absolute fox. The fox could speak very decent English it turned out. I excused my interruption of their evening and explained what I needed. The fox understood me completely, and took my mobile from me and started chattering with Sis. The others smiled shyly and chattered amongst themselves. One other had pretty good English herself and started making conversation with me while the fox chatted with Sis. "Where you from?" she started. "America." I says. "What wrong with truck?" she asks me. "Nothing." says I. "Driver mao mahk." She laughs at this. "Thai man drive?" she asks with a grin. I notice she's pretty damned cute herself. "Yes. Thai man drive. Thai man Kii Mao." I said in a disgusted tone of voice. They laughed at this and commiserated, saying, "Thai man drink too mutt. Why he drive you. You pay he drive you?" I laughed, "No, friend of mine, but drink too much beer Chang. He's driving mi dee mahk. He won't let me drive him." More laughter. The fox hands me back my mobile and tells me Sis and wife are on their way. I thank her, excuse myself, and leave to go wait for the wife and Sis back on the roadside. The Fox tells me I can wait there for my ride, but I felt goofy enough as it was, thanked her, and told her I'd wait on the soi.

 

I left, and immediately heard a gaggle of conversation and giggling. As I walked back up the dirt drive the little mutt joined me to ensure this funny stranger didn't hang out on his territory, growling all the way up the drive. I told him to buzz off, shooed him away, and he left to go wallow in the dirt and guard his ladies without needing to take a chunk out of my calf, much to my relief. I lit another smoke as I waited. Down the road I noticed Buddy had gotten himself down into the ditch on the side of the road, and seemed stuck. I saw him staggering around the truck, and watched as he fell down twice in the dirt. He spotted me and started yelling something. I yelled back for him to fuck off, and waited for my lass to rescue me from the drunken dolt. I began to get a bit jumpy when a breeze stirred the weeds and bushes around me, as I was standing in the grasses at the side of the road as far from the tarmac as possible, so as not to become road kill myself in case another drunk fucker was wheeling down the highway and didn't see me standing there in the darkness. The last few times I'd been here I'd been noticing quite a few snakes crossing the roads while I was out and about the highways and byways of Isaan, not a few Cobras they were too. It would be just my luck to have one pop out of the weeds now and scare the crap out of me as I stood there in the sweltering night's blackness. If it wasn't for the lights from the lasses abode I'd not be able to see my hand in front of my face, except when a vehicle came by now and then. I escape Buddy's moronic drunken driving only to get killed by an Isaan Spitting Cobra on the side of the road. "Where the hell is the wife fer chissakes?" I think to myself. I notice Buddy has finally gotten his truck out of the ditch. Off he drives into the darkness, not before cutting off a big truck that damned near sideswipes his 4x4 in a blare of horns. He drives away very slowly, like a drunk trying to drive with one eye closed so he can figure out which lines to stay within. Good riddance. Friggin' doofus muthafugga nearly killed my ass.

 

The wife called me on the mobile to see where I was. "Not see you darling. Where are you?" I think it would be nice to strangle her once I finally see her again. "I'm standing on the side of the highway dear, waiting for you to come get me. Where the hell do ya think I am?!!" I growl at her. "Not see." she says again."Well, just keep driving North along this highway that leads to Turt's parents town and I'll be there somewhere. Keep yer eyes open and I'll wave you down." She tells me to go back and give the phone to the lady that had given the directions, to make sure she was on the right road. "I thought you already knew what road I was on darling from talking to the lady before? Was there some problem when you spoke with her earlier? Didn't you understand her directions?" I asked her. Then I realized where I was. I'm in Thailand for god's sake man. No one knows how to give decent directions here in this country! You know that Cent! Ahhhhh shit. I'll probably be here on the side of the road for fucking days. I sigh to myself and tell her to just leave the phone open and wait for me to give her a yell when I spy our pick-up truck whizzing by. Christ, what a day. I crush out my ciggie in the dirt and watch the traffic going by for my truck.

 

They arrived a few minutes later, before a snake could bite my ass, or the mosquitos could drain me of all my fluids. I much preferred the possibilty of seeing a poisonous snake and being bit by the mossies to driving with Buddy.

 

When Sis and the wife pulled up, after almost driving right by me and having to turn around to get me, I saw they were giggling about my plight. I told them if they didn't stop laughing I was gonna kill them both with my bare hands and leave 'em in the ditch right there. A joke. That shut them up for a second, until I smiled at one of the wife's questions. I growled at the wife and said, "Darling, why the hell did you encourage me to go for a ride with Buddy? The man was drunk!" She laughed and said, "Not know he mao! Not know!" Great. A lot was explained to me the following morning which I'll relate later.

 

I told Sis to get out of the driver's seat, as I was driving home. I'd had enough of Thai driving to last me a life time. I don't scare easily, but to tell the truth I had been scared to death that day. My hands were shaking when I drove home. Anger, and fear. I thought I was going to get killed, and I am not exaggerating how bad Buddy's driving had been, especially on the way back home. I never probably should have gotten in at his brother's restaurant. Should have had the wife just come get me there. I explained it all to wife and Sis as they queried me on the drive back.

 

Once home I went up to my closet in my bedroom, got down the good hootch, and went out and sat at the table in front of the house and had a couple, well, a few actually, stiff snifters of good Irish whiskey to calm my nerves, and another beer Chang or two. The wife cooked me some foods I liked and we ate.

 

About an hour later Buddy came driving down the street. He saw me sitting out front and beeped his horn and waved at me as he drove to his house around the corner. I flipped him the bird.

 

The wife hit me and told me "not to do". Not "don't do", not "not do", but "not to do". I love the way she screws up the English language! Always makes me chuckle, no matter what mood I'm in.

 

Later that night we made love. It was great to be back home. I was just happy to be alive, no thanks to Buddy, and back in the LOS again. By the next day the story of my leaving my buddy Turt in the middle of the highway was all over the neighborhood.

 

 

(to be continued)

 

 

 

 

Cent

(The Central Scrutinizer)

 

 

[sayjann]

look forward to the next part.

[kamui]

Me too!