Toilet Humor

[Guest]

Can I just give a mention to the Thai folk who make a visit to a public lavatory in Bangkok such an 'unforgettable' experience.

There are toilet attendants all over the world that are paid to do the frankly awful job of keeping toilets clean - the overweight, middle-aged women of Greece and Spain who sit there with more than a hint of luxurious moustache and issue you with three square inches of toilet tissue. And there's the toilet attendants of Amsterdam who are there to make sure that customers enter the toilet cubicles alone and just get on with it.

Thailand's very own 'queens of the urinals' are undoubtedly a lot more attractive than their foreign counterparts, but I'll never get used to holding Britain's future in my hands while a group of 3 or 4 Thai ladies in fetching yellow and brown uniforms lean on their mops and stand around gossiping. It does terrible things for the 'flow of nature'.

"Put your binoculars away now luv. You're looking down the wrong end anyway, and at my age that's all I need".

I can never wash my hands and get the hell out of there quickly enough.

Certain public toilets in Bangkok enjoy a shall we say, dubious reputation. Take the toilets in Mahboonkrong shopping center. Now, this may well be an urban myth because I've never had the desire to check things out, but apparently the gent's toilets are a good place to make new friends. I have it on good authority that more than a few of the cubicles have holes strategically punched into the dividing walls, big enough to allow a human hand to slide in and make your acquaintance. You'll get some idea of why I never use the public toilets in Mahboonkrong irrespective of how desperate I am for a gypsy's kiss.

And of course one cannot write about public conveniences in Bangkok without giving a mention to those fine young chaps who provide a 5-star service in the toilets of go-go bars and other night time entertainment areas. Wearing the customary grubby white shirt and thin black polyester tie dusted with cigarette ash, these lads pounce on you as you stand at the urinal and you whip out your old fella. Suddenly there's the unmistakable sensation of a clammy hand massaging the back of your neck, sometimes accompanied by a hearty backrub. Over the years I've learned how to deal with these invaders of the most personal of spaces - either a raised hand that indicates you want them to back the f*** off or to simply say "no thank you I'm British" in a trembling voice. Whether you want the massage-while-u-pee or not, once you've relieved yourself, the smiling attendant will be there to turn on the water-tap, offer you a hot and cold towel, a cheap plastic comb, and a splash of cologne that probably sells under the brand name of 'Wild Stallion' or 'Arab Playboy'. After all that palaver, there's the nod of the head in the direction of a silver tray on which you're expected to place a crisp 20 baht note. The biggest tip I ever saw left was actually 100 baht in a Soi Cowboy washroom - Don't some people just chuck their money around.

[Guest]

funny stuff: I still can't get used to being massaged while taking a piss. kind of like they are trying to help u get out the last drop.

maybe if you tip b4 u pee they leave u alone.

this brings to mind the toilet situation on

old soi zero ( now buckskin joes area).

back then the pissers were on a wall outside, kind of gave a new meaning to being daring.

but a few drinks and who cares.

yuk

[colonel Kurtz]

I think that the Hollywood disco in Pattaya is a fine example of `Toilet terror`.

The 1st time i went in for a piss,I was massaged so thoroughly by an eager massause,that I pissed all over my 300 bht Levis!

In the same karzee was an ol dear doing her ironing,and a katoey not sure on what urinal to use.

Only in LOS.

[Boo Radley]

The one thing that the Thai toilets have improved on, as compared to English toilets (with their bog brush), is the jet spray to clean up afterwards.

[racha]

I think the Asians are way ahead of us in the wiping the bum department.

Cleaning your arse with water is the only way to go, instead of just smearing the shit to an acceptable level with toilet paper.

I have never meet a Thai girl with tissue pieces stuck to her pussy not like there Western / European counterparts.

[steffi]

On the new year of the millenium I had to go very badly at that service station just on the petchaburi road just before you hit wireless road. Needless to say that was my first experience with traditional toilet. Since then the only time I've seen those fine lads in the bathroom was at Grapa niteclub a couple of times. From what I saw they only hand out the towels rather than offering additional services. I don't recall tipping the guy.

[Ranger]

Phil,

Funny stuff! I started a similar thread about the toilet jockeys in the nightlife section. I know that you don't read the nightlife section as you are usually asleep by 10pm-LOL.

Ranger