The Poison Dwarf

[jagoturner]

THE POISON DWARF

1

The Hello Bar was a vicious, evil and violent place. It's reputation as a den of iniquity was unparalleled amongst the backpackers and hippies and serious travellers of Khao San Road. According to legend this was a place where, on a good night, you could witness drug trafficking, gang warfare, and, if you were really lucky, the occasional bloody murder. If this was a story about drug trafficking, gang warfare or bloody murders then the Hello Bar backdrop might be more apt. But this is a story about women or a woman to be more specific. It's a true story, if that matters, and, because I have no shame, I have left everyone's names exactly as they are.

Now there are some travellers who have set out to muddy the reputation of the Hello bar. Minor incidents have assumed epic proportions and urban legends abound. Swordfights, gun-fights, West-Side-Story style knife fights punctuated with a bit of dancing. Amputated limbs found hidden in dustbin liners just by the back exit. Diners who, while eating were given a local anaesthetic by a midget surgeon, and had their kidneys silently and delicately removed. Lord Lucan sighted doing Zorba style Greek dancing on tabletops. Kilos of heroin found floating around bowls of tom yam to a chorus of "Waiter, waiter, what's this smack with a London street value of two million quid doing in my soup ?". It's not for me to shatter such myths. I know how events, seemingly unlikely in the outside world, become de rigeur in Bangkok, but I never saw any evidence to corroborate these myths.

I did see a little trouble at the Hello Bar (and by a little I mean a little as when a fight breaks out I either duck behind a table or hide under a woman). Usually the fights were between gentlemen warring over the attentions of some deaf prostitutes. Deaf prostitutes pretty much ran Khao San Road back in the early nineties. They didn't have all that much visible competition. Oh, granted there were a few tissue paper breasted katoeys who used to roam the midnight hour side soi's hunting for any lone young traveller cut off from his herd. But apart from the odd few freelancers that was it. The deaf hookers ran the place and they liked to hang out at the Hello Bar whenever possible. They'd cause fights beguiling men with their combination of erotically charged sign language and theatrical winks. Many men came to blows over the dubious honour of a quickie in some roach ridden fifty baht guest house's short time room.

Not all conflicts were down to the hard of hearing though. There were also a few major cultural misunderstandings. A Nigerian Gentleman saying "I take this ketchup, Okay." in the tone of a statement rather than a request caused great consternation amongst a table of American backpackers who felt that the correct protocol for borrowing ketchup had not been adhered to. A row ensued. Voices were raised. Violence was threatened. Had it not been for the timely arrival of some tourist police obviously trained in international diplomacy the incident could have led to an outbreak of hostilities and a knock on effect on world oil prices.

Personally, I quite liked the Hello Bar. It had a lot going for it. It had a relaxed, easy, hassle free, atmosphere. The chef knew how to fry an egg without it being too oily, too crispy, too runny, or too hard. In fact for fried food it was pretty much without equal in Bangkok. I think the chef might have done a year on exchange with a chef from a Kentish Town greasy spoon. (How many Thais know how to prepare a fried egg, sunny side up, be honest). It was also open twenty four hours and served anybody without judgement. In fact there were odd nights back in my Khao San Road days when the Hello Bar was a serious rival to the Thermae for sleazy and violent fun.

The story of my involvement with Da, the Poison Dwarf, began on one sunny December afternoon in 1991. Bottles of Mekhong, coke, buckets of ice, plates of fragrant sauced chicken wings and deep fried bananas were piling up on our table as a celebration of near death reigned.

The night before had been one of the worst of my life. I tried to tell it in another story but I couldn't do justice to the depth of the madness of drunken Thai hookers going to war. Some of the hookers in question were my friends (still are my friends come to think of it). But I was like a lost child amid all the vomiting, blood and breaking glass. I'd left them celebrating the fact that they were all mad at the Thermae the previous evening, come back to the relative sanity of the Khao San Road and slept. I'd been going to grab a late breakfast and write some postcards when I spotted them all sitting there in a booth next to the entrance of the Hello Bar looking as if they hadn't stopped drinking all night. My Australian friend Billy had joined them which was a relief, I didn't want to be the only farang drinking with that lot. And so had Da.

What drew me back to this drunken revelry was not the chance for more drunken revelry but Ae. Ae with her blue black Khmer locks and high warm cheekbones. Ae with her peerless eyes that would glitter wickedly as if she was always silently laughing at life. Ae who I had spent days holed up with in a cheap short time room and wanted to spend the rest of my life holed up in a cheap short time room with. Even though I guessed that she was probably on the way to being just as mad as the rest of them I wasn't ready to walk away.

There were about ten of them, all shouting over each other, all trying to top each others heroic interpretation of the previous night's events. Thai women seem to have no trouble repeating the same story over and over again within a short space of time. It's one of their less appealing habits.

When I had walked into the bar it was Nan rather than Ae who called me over. Nan was the kind of leader. The one most at ease with the idea of violent death. Strangely she didn't seem to think of me as the farang who had cowered in the corner wanting to be somewhere else. She remembered me as having been somehow a part of their heroic escapade. There was much shoving up to make room for me at the table and that was when I first saw Da. Small and sweet with a face full of chickenpox scars. She moved out the way for me to sit next to Ae. Ae kissed me briefly but passionately and then went back to talking to her friends.

It's hard to describe Da. She had the smile of some angelic but mistreated child while her small body was all erotic curves. She had the body of one of those sculptures of sexually entangled women you see outside certain Hindu temples. It didn't at first strike me how small she was. Most Thai women seemed small to me. Ae was small, Noi was tiny, but Da was almost a miniature. A couple of inches short of five foot I guess. She wasn't a dwarf, the nickname came from Billy, though she would have fit comfortably into a large-ish suitcase.

As for Ae, well Ae was on the way off to richer pastures. I felt it in my bones but couldn't get it to my brain. Nan, Noi, Bun, and the rest of our party all felt closer to me after I had seen them at their worst. They started sharing quite intimate facts about their lives with me over the next few weeks. Ae, though, was getting more distant. She still rested on me and drew me into kisses which were as expertly intimate as ever but I cold feel her lack of interest. It was like we were married or something.

Mind you, the real married couple here was Billy and Bun, she treated him with open contempt most of the time. The fact that he was now squeezed between her and the wall in a space more suitable for a deceased pilchard than a fourteen stone ex-boxer was typical. I think she did love him. Things went haywire for them later and I believe the poison dwarf played a role in that, but that's another story. She must have loved him a little because she stayed with him and you don't stay with a fifty year old foreigner with no money unless there's some kind of emotional thing going on. Bun was twenty but she had the sort of looks that would have made you place her a few years older. All the same she lost a lot of face staying with him at all for no money.

"Jo." Said Billy, voice lowered to the point of a whisper. "It's a pity you can't get that Ae away from this lot."

"Tell me about it." I said.

"With me and Bun. It's fine when we're alone. But when there's a fucking audience there's no respect. Trouble is your Thai bird is a bit of a pack animal. Thai blokes are the same. I mean, like, you, you came out here on your own. I bet wherever you go you could be just as happy in your own company or speaking to one of your mates. But your Thai isn't like that. They're like wolves or hyenas. They got to run with the pack. She might go off like she went with you a couple of days ago but once she's back with the herd you may as well forget it. I mean. How lot have this lot been drinking. A day. Me, I don't know about you, but I need to crash out every once in a while. Get a bit of peace and quiet and space. But this lot... Fuck knows when this little party'll end."

"Yeah. I think I'm hitting culture shock now. The glamour's wearing off a bit."

"Don't think too much. That's the one good piece of advice the Thais give you. Don't get too attached to any of them. It won't last too long anyway. I mean the second you go back home she'll be back working. She'll forget about you and go on to the next farang. But you can't let that get to you. Just enjoy it when you can get it."

"Taste the strawberry." I said.

"What ?" He said.

"Taste the strawberry. It's an old zen story. This man's being chased by a tiger and he falls off the edge of a cliff. But he just manages to save himself by clinging on to a vine. Meanwhile there's a second tiger at the bottom of the cliff licking its lips waiting for the vine to break. Then two mice, one black and one white start nibbling away at his vine. He sees this strawberry growing. This wild strawberry and he tastes it and its delicious."

"So what happens then ?"

"I don't know. I guess the tiger eats him."

"Bloody stupid story if you ask me."

"Yeah. Well. It's a parable. Everything's always going to end in death and destruction but we should just taste the strawberry while we're here."

"Tell the truth mate. I'm not a one for strawberries. Now if it was a nice cool glass of beer. Australian beer, none of your rubbish, that would make some sense. Plus you could have a go at smashing the glass in the tiger's face as you hit the bottom and make your escape. Anyway. My point is keep a light heart about it and when it's over you can just move right along to the next one."

Of course Billy was right. Well, about me and Ae anyway. It wasn't destined to last very long. Billy was right about a lot of things. Mind you he was wrong about a lot of things too. But he had a good teacher in bitter experience. Like some others he'd come to Thailand a relatively wealthy and successful man. He'd even had a spell owning a bar on Washington Square. Some of his business choices had put a small dent in his wealth but the lion's share had gone on Thai women.

"I made a few big mistakes when I first came out here. I let myself start getting involved. The end result was that these cocksuckers drained me of a lot more than just spunk. They drained my whole fucking bank account. If I had a chance to start again now I'd know exactly how to play this place. But I guess it's just too late now."

"Hey Billy." Shouted Bun. "Why you always talk talk talk all the time."

"At least I don't fucking shout all the time."

"Fuck you Billy."

"You see." Said Billy to me. "They start out sweet but this is what you end up with."

As if responding to this Ae turned my head toward her and touched my lips with her lips. Then she kissed me deeply and I found my mouth filled with sweet Mekhong coke. She pulled back and smiled as if immensely pleased with herself before kissing me again. The second kiss seemed to endure an age and I felt my world swirling around as if there were nothing else in the universe but Ae. The Hello Bar and the shouting and noise were just an unsteady blur. Suddenly I felt a sharp dig in the ribs. I tried to ignore it but it came again.

It was Da.

I looked around and she was smiling at me. She looked over at Ae and said "Ae. I hate you." Her voice was low like deep coloured honey.

"Why ?" Said Ae.

"You don't have to do that." Said Da and then looked dreamily at me over flirting.

Ae laughed and kissed me again.

"Stop it. You make me jealous." Said Da sounding half playful and half serious.

I didn't know how long Ae and Da had known each other but I did know they had spent time together on Koh Samui. Thermae girls, the good looking ones anyway, were always going to Koh Samui with some farang they met. Ae had been there the week before. Da had apparently been there a while with some guy. She'd just got back yesterday with the standard Thai broken heart that follows the farang boyfriend flying into that amorphous mass outside the borders of Thailand that farang boyfriends fly in and out of. When I heard this I figured she was probably just looking for some new mark. Any mark.

Ae started speaking to Noi about something the night before. Billy was engaged in a serious dispute with Bun. I looked at Da. Her eyes were fixed on me. She smiled. I smiled. Then I looked away at some other stuff. I looked back at Da and her eyes were still fixed upon me. There was something powerful and arousing in her stare.

"What ?" I said

"Jooo" she said, relishing the name, holding it in her voice until it faded with a breath.

I smiled almost laughing "What ?"

"Jo. I love you Jo."

"Good." I said not really having anything pithier to offer.

"I love you no shit. I go with you okay."

I laughed.

"What's so funny ? It's not funny. I want to go with you. Go make love."

The words hung in my head like an echo.

"Don't laugh at me." Said Da.

And there was something in her eyes. Something that said she meant it. She needed me and wanted me and I think the smile probably disappeared from my face. "Look I..."

"Joking. Joking." She said as if rescuing the situation from death. "I joking. Ae my friend. Everyone my friend here."

She embraced me, like this was part of her joke, from the side, and I felt her breasts push against me and I felt a strange sinking sensation in my chest.

"Hey." Said Ae. "What are you doing ?"

"Nothing." I said.

"You like her. You think she sexy lady. You can go with her."

Da said to Ae "Joking. Just joking."

Ae took my face in her hands and kissed me. Then pushing me back against the seat she sat astride me and edged her groin close to mine. Her curls brushed against my skin as she kissed me sincerely, but then, to show off to her friends, she said "Oohh yes. Oh Yes. Ahh. Ahh."

Da looked away.

Noi smacked Ae and said "You want go make love. You go hotel."

I felt like a stooge, Ae's straight man, and there was a part of me that wanted everyone here to disappear. Except, maybe, Da.

2

A week later I knocked on the door of Billy's room. Billy opened it with the worn expression of a man who has just been trying to explain why he didn't want to become a Jehovah's Witness. "Jo. Glad you're feeling better mate. These two have been driving me around the fucking bend."

"Fuck you Billy" said Bun's trumpeting voice from somewhere inside the room.

"Come in and have a beer. I need a bit of fucking sanity."

Da was lying on the bed, miraculously unscarred by any chickenpox sucking tantalisingly on a lollipop watching TV. She said nothing as I walked in but smiled to herself as if she felt she'd won another battle.

I'd been well and truly out of it for the past few days. I'd been hit by one of those weird Bangkok viruses that creep up on you take you close to a kind of living death with temperatures of a million and hallucinatory nightmares from hell. As usual I'd felt sure I was going to die and that I had some bizarre combination of AIDS, Malaria and Agent Orange.

While I was sick Ae had grown more and more distant from me by all reports becoming busier than ever down the Thermae.

"That little Da keeps on going on and on about you. When's Jo coming over ? Is Jo coming today ? I want to see Jo. It's been pissing me off a bit."

Da was wearing denim cut-down shorts that looked ragged, especially round the crotch. She had one leg stretched out in front of her and one raised at the knee. Sucking on that lollipop she looked as if she was posing for some semi-pornographic calendar. Sexual promise dripping from every pore of her skin.

Billy handed me a bottle of Singha. It was a bit warm but then he didn't have a fridge. The people who ran the Gao Sip obviously figured that rooms having their own fridges would discourage the punters from using room service, so unless you wanted to pay for that you were stuck drinking warm beer.

There was a film on the TV in which a woman was getting raped. The hysterical actress was pleading with her attacker, but he just advanced on her burying himself into her as she beat at him pathetically with her small fists. Da watched with something like glee as she started to bite down on the remaining slither of lollipop in her mouth.

Billy sat in a chair watching the same film. He was exasperated with it but said nothing because he knew any comment he made would have Bun yakking at him for understanding nothing of Thailand.

I rested the beer on the bedside table and leaned back into a pillow and Da shifted over and nestled her head against my shoulder as though we were lovers. Her hair smelled of almonds and roses. "Jooo," she said eyes still fixed on the TV drama. "I miss you too much."

The woman on the TV pulled her clothes back on, sobbing and weeping. The rapist laughed at her mocking her pain. Then a man, I presumed the boyfriend or brother of the raped woman walked into the room. There was a shot of the rapist's face looking concerned, the a shot of the man's face, looking angry. There was some wordless exchanging of stares. Da gripped my arm. The credits rolled. "Aaah." She said before rolling on top of me and kissing my lips, smiling, and rolling off me to go to the bathroom.

Bun was starting to apply lipstick. Billy looked over at me. "If I were you mate I'd forget about Ae and go after this one."

"I can't do that." I said.

"Course you can. That's the Thai way."

"Maybe it is, but I'm not Thai."

"When in Rome mate..."

Da came out the bathroom and smiled at me sending out a real charge.

"Mind you," Said Billy. "None of my business."

When she walked across the room in bare feet I got a sense of just how small she was. She came and lay across me and I felt the swell of her right breast on my arm. Her body felt hot. She put her head against my neck and traced my skin with soft warm damp kisses.

"Da," I said.

She lifted her head up and looked at me with needing, imploring eyes.

"What are you doing."

"Jo. You don't know I love you. I want to take care of you."

"What about Ae ?"

"Ae no good for you. I can be good for you."

She sat astride me so my legs were trapped between her legs. As she kissed my neck and my chin and my chest I was very aware of Billy and Bun in the room.

I noticed Bun saying something to Billy and Billy nodding.

"Me and Bun have got to go out for a little while. Grab a bite." Said Billy.

Da smiled as the door clicked shut behind them. In a way that was that. With undisguised glee she went to work on me, held me tight and kissed me over and over.

"Wait," I said. "Wait. What about...Er...Christ."

She pulled back from me and looked me in the eyes. "I don't bullshit you Jo."

And she had me half hypnotised. I couldn't shake it out.

"I know you like me Jo. I know you like me the first time I see you I can make you happy more than Ae. I know you like me" She pushed her crotch against me. "I feel you."

I didn't say anything.

She pulled off her loose T-shirt, unhooked her bra and let it fall away into a small black heap.

My eyes followed the line of her neck down her collar to her breasts. My heart was in my throat. I didn't want to think about this.

"Da.. I"

"Shhh." She said and lunged into me burying my head between her breasts.

"Da," I said " I think Mpphrmmpphhemmpph yummphorph nommppphh."

"It's okay... Billy and Bun not come back."

And that was really all she had to say. I was hers as I had been from the moment she looked at me in the Hello Bar. I was hers and off into a land of sweet oblivion.

"Da," I objected at some point. "I think we have to talk about this."

"Jo. Don't think too much. I love you. I want to make you happy."

She loved me and she wanted to make me happy. Shit. The way her small shapely body held on to me and the way every word she said just cut right into me I felt, for a moment, that I really loved her. I loved her more than I'd ever loved anyone. Mind you that's the way it always feels.

She undressed me, carefully, slowly, kissing me softly and damply everywhere she went. She kissed me pretty much everywhere it is possible to kiss someone and when I was lying there before her she smiled a real victors smile.

She kissed me again and said "I go shower."

As the sound of the shower came on I looked up at the TV. Some very stiff looking presenter reading the news in Thai. Pictures of various guys in suits shaking the hands of various other guys in suits.

"This isn't real," I thought "I'm being taken for some kind of ride here." But then I thought, in a slightly different voice to give the conversation credibility "Hey. Who the fuck cares if I'm being taken for a ride. What can happen ?"

As if on cue a picture came on the TV of some clearly very ill emaciated man lying with tubes stuck up his nose in a hospital bed while a depressed looking woman held his hand.

"Well," Said the second voice. "Yeah there's that."

The sound of the shower raining down on Da's flesh filled my mind and, stupid as it reveals me to be, the thought of her naked glistening wet body standing under that shower completely overbalanced the horror of the AIDS sufferer. Her small curvy body. Ripe and willing. My thoughts were starting to sound like porn film titles.

The shower stopped and Da stepped wetly into the room wrapped in a white towel. The towel made her shape a secret.

I showered and when I came out of the shower she was lying there still wrapped in her towel but with one knee raised.

I lay down beside her. With a smile she felt under my towel and put her small hand on my penis making some joke about it liking her even if I still liked Ae. She had a point too. I did like her but my head wasn't calling the shots any more.

She smiled broadly and pulled gently on my penis so I was forced to move closer to her.

I kissed her.

Her skin still felt cool from the shower.

Cool but not damp.

The palm of my hand touched the back of her thigh and I pulled her into me.

She looked in my eyes then down at the towel that was becoming loose just above her breasts. SHe looked back at me again and smiled.

I parted the towel away from her.

Her breasts and belly bare, pressed against me.

I kissed her.

Sucking her tongue.

Nothing between us but skin

I held her tightly and she held me even more tightly as we kissed and kissed.

I kissed her breasts.

Her nipple hard against my tongue.

I kissed her cool soft belly.

I my tongue along her thigh.

She closed her legs and pulled me up shaking her head. "No good for you."

"What ?"

"No good for you Jo. You have to take care."

Strike one against passion.

She pulled back and leaned her tiny beautiful body over to the side of the bed.

When she emerged from rooting around in her bag she had a small blue condom pouch. It was familiar to me. It was one of the condoms I'd never used with Ae.

"Ae give this to me."

"Ae ?"

"She tell me you give it to her and so she give it to me."

She tore the paper pouch open with her teeth.

Da wasn't like Ae.

Da didn't lose control of herself.

Strike two against passion.

She put the condom on me and seconds later I was inside her. There is an ultimate sensation when you are first inside a woman. Yet there's always this sense of life diminished by the sanity of protection. Plus I couldn't get over the feeling that this was a condom that had been through Ae's hands.

Ae was real I thought.

When Ae made love to me it was passionate. It was fire. And here I was sleeping with one of her best friends. Someone lovely but calculating.

Da wasn't going to risk horrible slow wasting death for me.

This was all a test to see if I would cheat on Ae. And I'd failed it spectacularly.

Strike three against passion.

I felt this tremendous sense of disappointment with myself. I was just another dumb fuck being led around Bangkok by his dick.

Halfway through having sex, I started thinking of other things I would like to be doing. I thought of scenes from films I liked.

Yes. In the middle of sex with a beautiful girl the like of whom any sane heterosexual man would be exceedingly happy to be caught up in a short time room with I started mentally re-enacting some of my favourite scenes from The Great Escape. It was all I could do to stop myself whistling the theme tune.

When I came I barely noticed it. I was too busy with thoughts of fooling Fritz and emptying sand down my trouser leg to be rubbed into the ground. There were three tunnels. Tom, Dick and Harry. And ... Oh. Was that me coming.

After the messy business of extracting the used condom Da went and had a shower.

I didn't.

For some stupid fucked up reason I felt cheated.

I got dressed.

When she came out the shower she seemed really happy. She looked like she really loved me. I half relented but the idea was fixed in my mind. This was all about her taking Ae's boyfriend from Ae. It was a game.

"Da," I said. "I forgot. I have to go and buy some stuff."

I pressed a five hundred baht note into her hand without any thought for her feelings.

"You come back ?" She said.

"Maybe."

I didn't.

 

3

Christmas Eve. No money. No honey. Well I did have some money but not much. I was waiting on a bank to bank transfer that had been held up. Yet I got a sudden surge of Christmas sentimentality and decided to take Billy on a marathon bar crawl while his girlfriend went looking for money at the Thermae. Billy had even less money than me but insisted that if we did this I let him get a couple of rounds in all the same.

We hit the Nana Plaza. Nana was a bit up and down in late 1991 and having got pretty roaring drunk we decided to save on cab fares and walk over to Patpong. Walking down past Lumphini Billy said "You know what you've got ?"

"No. What have I got ?" I said

"You've got a bit of Ch'risma."

"Ch'risma ?" I said

"Ch'risma." He said

"Oh." I said.

"I've seen the way these birds look at you. Definitely a bit of Ch'risma. They genuinely like you."

"Billy it's there job to pretend to like you."

"Yeah. But they genuinely like you. I can tell."

"Well. I won't argue. I like the idea of having a bit of ch'risma. I've never had it before."

"Yeah. Bangkok brings out the best in some people. I reckon if you had a bit more cash you'd be set here."

"If we all had a bit more cash we'd be set here but it's nice of you to say so."

"Course when I was your age I had a bit of ch'risma myself." He said.

"Yes ?" I said.

"Go to any bar in Sydney. Any bar at all and mention my name. You'll hear some stories mate. You'll hear some stories about me. A lot of people know Billy. Women especially."

"You don't do so bad here. Billy. Bun sticks with you."

"Yeah. But Bun's a fucking whore."

"Well. Yes, but..."

"And that fucking little bitch Da. Your friend. She's always sticking the fucking boot in. You don't know what she's saying. Maybe she thinks I don't know. But I know. That fucking poisonous little dwarf."

"I thought you liked Da."

"Yeah. I got it all fucking wrong that time. That Ae... She may be a bit fucking hardcore but she's a diamond. But that Da ain't happy unless she's fucking other people up."

"But she's always round your place."

"Yeah. Well she lent us the money for the rent the past week or so. Doesn't mean shit to her. She's fucking loaded. Probably riddled with AIDS too. I hope you used a condom on that one."

"Yeah." I said.

"Women... They're all a bunch of back stabbing fucking bitches. I'll tell you about my first wife. No fuck it I don't want to talk about that bitch... My first wife. She was a prize cunt. A prize fucking cunt."

"Why did Da lend you money to pay your rent ?"

"Fuck knows. Who the fuck knows. I was going to ask you if you could lend us some money but I know how you feel about that shit."

"Yeah. I'm as tight as a camel's arse in a sandstorm." I said

"No" He said.

"Yes." I said. "I am. I've got to be."

"Nooo. You're a good bloke. You're my mate. I tell you what. A couple of weeks ago I'd have been quite happy to try and pull a number on you. You know, try and con you a bit. But I couldn't now. You don't meet many good mates. Don't get me wrong. I've got a lot of mates. But good mates. The sort of people you can talk to. They're fucking rare. Bangkok can be a lonely place. You might have a few friends here and there. Fuck. I've got a few enemies too. Mind you. I could flatten most of them. In Bangkok you only ever have trouble with white fellers. The Thais'll never go near you. Not unless there's a gang of them. But you got to watch the white blokes. Old Jim. He was walking up Sukhumvit just by Nana. Got jumped by a couple of Irish fellers. Fifteen stitches he needed in his head. Plus every fucker will try to rip you off. You're lucky you met me. I reckon I've saved you quite a bit of money here and there."

The crawl from bar to bar went well in Patpong and we eventually ended up in a place called Peppermint. It was all coloured fluorescent lights in bendy shapes and drinks with bendy straws and staff with bendy uniforms. I figure it to be the kind of place I usually got chucked out of for wearing jeans.

Billy kept telling everybody that we were here on a fashion shoot and that we were staying at the Landmark. I couldn't see any practical purpose in doing this as we must both have looked like a couple of piss artists who'd run out of girlie bars to hang out in which was pretty much what we were.

"Why do you keep lying to everyone."

"One thing about Thais. They're the biggest snobs on the planet. Tell them you stay on Khao San Road and they'll treat you like they stay on Khao San Road."

I noticed this woman standing on her own. She had beautiful eyes and mouth but an under pronounced chin and a lower lip that seemed to tremble like a child crying. Dressed in a black chiffon party dress she looked incongruous standing alone in a bar like this. She seemed to be looking out the window waiting for someone. She seemed exceedingly drunk. Lucky really considering that we were exceedingly drunk too.

Billy started talking to her. He introduced himself to her and told her he was staying at the Landmark. He took her hand and she sort of nodded at him in a vaguely Japanese way. She looked uncomfortable but smiled at me and came over to join us giving me a really soapy handshake.

She was waiting for a friend but it didn't look like he was coming.

She had a classical kind of Thai figure. The type you see on office girls and models rather than bargirls from Issaan. Her eyes were dark. Black. Obsidian. When she smiled it was a nice smile. Not beautiful exactly, but nice. She had the careful mannerisms of someone who had been to a Swiss finishing school. In fact, it turned out she was a hostess at one of those Thaniya Plaza bars catering exclusively to the Japanese visitor but by day she worked occasionally as a golf caddy.

Billy was trying very hard to upgrade himself. He must have mentioned staying at the Landmark twenty or thirty times. I don't think she bought it for a second. In fact I think she had a pretty clear idea that we were both poor because at one point she took all our drink chits and paid for them along with her own using a gold credit card.

When she went to the lavatory Billy said "Did you see that. Did you see that. That's fucking rare that is. I doubt you'll see anything like that again. You could say it's a miracle. A Thai bird playing for the drinks. Class that is. Class."

He didn't seem to get that the reason she had paid was that she figured it would be expensive for us. In fact as soon as she came out the toilet again he started wittering on about some non-existent business he had.

She asked us where we were going now. I said that I was starving and would probably go and grab some breakfast.

"I know a place. I'll take you there."

Patpong, as dawn breaks over its silent bars and shops, orange sunlight throwing a warm mist over the place, arrives at a certain kind of magic. The showbiz and hustle over it develops its own beauty. On Christmas morning 1991 the streets glowed.

She took us down to a plush restaurant down some stairs on Suriwong Road. We must have been the only people there. We sat at a plush carefully laid table with three glasses each and serviettes folded into identical pyramids. We were waited upon by mean in starched white uniforms. She asked me what I wanted, I asked her what was good. She smiled and ordered some soup and some dishes with rice and a large plate of prawns. We all ate together as Billy lied away and she told us about the tips she got caddying. When it was over she payed again with her credit card and handed me the card for her Thaniya Plaza club and wrote her name and her telephone number on the back.

When it was over we left the restaurant, she embraced me lightly and kissed me on the cheek and then she shook Billy's hand before climbing into a taxi without negotiating the fare.

It was all a bit like something that didn't really happen. As me and Billy got the number 15 bus to Ratjadamnoen he couldn't stop talking about how unlikely this had been.

I went back to Billy's meaning to go on to my guest house after a few minutes. As soon as Billy lay back on his bed he was out like a light making snoring noises like something out of The Exorcist. I sat in the armchair and closed my eyes. The world seemed to be spinning as I was sitting on a high speed roundabout. At first when this spinning comes there is a definite sense of wanting it to stop but keep your eyes closed for a minute or so and it starts to become quite enjoyable. Somewhere in my head I was going "wheeeee". When I heard the door open I was reluctant to open my eyes lest the merry go round in my head stop and sent my soul flying out into space. Of course when I did open my eyes the spinning sensation just stopped and I was looking into stark inebriated reality.

Bun and Da were standing inside the door.

"Ae not come here today," Said Bun. "She have new boyfriend."

"Yeah. I heard."

"Lady khmer no good for you." She smiled.

Da was looking around the room saying things in Thai.

"Da, she very broken heart Jo. She like you too much." Da shot her a withering look and reeled off some fast Thai. Bun smiled showing a lot of teeth. "Sorry. I very mao."

Da looked around the room at anything in the room except me. I felt bad for the first time. Maybe it was Christmas but I realised that I had been acting like a complete cunt. Ae breaking up with me had nothing to do with Da. I couldn't figure out why I had pushed her away so much.

Bun jumped on the sleeping Billy. "Oh Christ." he said.

"Bil-lee. Bun Hor-nee."

I stood up from the chair figuring it was time to go.

"Bil-lee. Bun hor-nee."

Billy was drifting back to sleep.

"BILLY. I HORNY"

Billy woke up and said "Yeah Bun I horny too."

Da was standing there looking pissed off.

"Billy," I said. "I'm going to take off. I might catch you later."

I was half out the door when I said "Da... You want to go get some breakfast."

She nodded silently and we left Billy and Bun to it.

She didn't speak to me for a while. She didn't even look at me. Fair enough, I thought. I took her hand when we crossed Ratjadamnoen and she held on as we darted through the holes in the traffic.

I took her to a place called Nat 2. It was off Khao San Road on a soi that always seemed easier and less commercial than Khao San Road itself.

Nat 2 was not busy. There were a few Israeli draft dodgers at one table and a couple of American backpackers with their Frommer's Guide at another. But that was it. I realised that, apart from the Hello Bar, she didn't know Banglamphu at all.

She looked at me for a moment and then she was looking elsewhere in the restaurant as if checking it for familiar objects. A picture of Rama V over the bar. A small shrine with finished incense sticks.

"You want something to eat ?"

She shook her head.

"You already eaten ?"

She shook her head again.

"Okay. Look I..."

"You can get Thai food here?"

"Of course."

She called a waitress over and said some stuff in Thai to her. The waitress nodded. Laughed at something Da said. Then said some stuff back to Da. They got into a little chat before the waitress finally took her order. She was about to go when I said "And a cup of coffee please".

"Jo." Said Da. "Where you go last night ?"

"Patpong, Nana."

"You take lady ?"

"No."

"Why not ?"

"I was too busy drinking."

"You go with Billy."

"Yes."

"I don't like Billy. Billy like to bullshit. Talk too much. He take money from Bun. Same Thai man. Mangda."

"Mangda ?"

"Yeah. Mangda. Same beetle. Mangda ride on his wife ass."

"Billy's just got fucked up by Bangkok. Bangkok can make men go stupid. It gets hard to tell what's real from what's an act."

"If you have a problem here you should go home. Go back to farang women. Farang women very beautiful. Farang women fuck for free. Why come to Thailand at all."

I didn't say anything for a moment.

"Jo. I sorry but I know you don't like me."

"Da. If I didn't like you I wouldn't have asked you to come here with me."

"I want you understand me. If I like you I like you for sure. I not someone who lie about this. Not like Ae. If I want farang I can take a farang. Easy. I like you Jo. Before I love you. But I know you not love me."

The food came and she ate while I drank a watery Nescafe.

"Now I have a problem." She said. "Somebody tell my mum what I do in Bangkok. I want to see my mum for my birthday but I very scare..."

"I'm sorry."

"I care my mum a lot. I don't want her know what I do here. Why somebody have to speak ?"

"I don't know."

"You don't know much." She said

"I don't know much. And what I think I know I'm usually wrong about."

"What about me ?"

"I don't know about you."

She smiled. "I don't know about you too."

We talked for a while. She told me about her home and her family. She told me about how she had come to Bangkok and how she'd met Ae. She told me about her boyfriend on Koh Samui. And all the time she was talking there was something in her that grew warmer and warmer. Her English was good. It wavered constantly between what she'd learned at school (she'd finished school at sixteen, quite late in those days) and what she'd picked up hanging around with westerners and bargirls over the past year or so.

And as she spoke I kind of fell for her. I fell for her partly because she was lovely, partly because she was able to speak openly, but mainly because I felt as though I had done her some wrong. Misjudged her.

We booked a room at the Gao Sip and had exhilarating protected sex during we both fell off the bed in a tangle of dampened sheets. The mix of soft warm flesh and hard cool floor tiles seemed to intensify the experience and when it was over we lay there in each other's arms for about twenty minutes saying little.

"Jo." She said

"What ?" I said.

"I love you no shit."

"No shit ?"

"No."

She went to shower. I went to shower afterwards. When I came out she was dressed and putting on make up.

"Where are you going ?"

"Sorry. I forgot. I have to buy some stuff."

"You have another man."

"Just a farang. I left him this morning but I said I come back. I have to go. It's my work."

And she was just about to leave before she said. "Jo. Can you lend me five hundred baht ?"

I grabbed my trousers and found 700 hundred in notes. I pulled out five and handed them to Da. She took them and kissed me.

"Jo. You not have to go fuck around na ?"

"I guess not."

She kissed me again and I realised she had me.

Game, set and match.

[Guest]

Alex,

Loved the story mate and I must say it brought the memories flooding back. I busted my Thai cherry with a girl from Hello and the (now sadly defunct) place will always hold a special place in my heart. You captured the essence of it perfectly, I felt like I had been transported back after spending a night on ganja, diet pills and mekong finished off with a visit to the pharmacy to get valiums to sleep. I concur that the place rivalled the thermae in the early 90s as Bangkok's most debauched nitespot. As an aside, did you ever stay at the VS guest house at the other end of KS road? I was a long term resident there in the dorm during the mid 90s and it was certainly another place of seedy goings on. Anyhow, thanx again for the memories and keep the writing coming!

Cheers

Jaga

[Guest]

It's great to see you posting in this folder again Alex.

Like Jaganath, I found your story extremely evocative of my early days in the 'Poo.

Even with the few small samples you have kindly posted here, I feel you beat Stephen Leather's 'Private Dancer' hands down. I sincerely hope that you have plans to publish the completed work. You have a fine writing style that captures perfectly the dark side of the 'sanuk' scene here - especially at the cheap end - i.e. Khao San Road. Yet the odd flashes of brilliant humour are not at all out of place and serve well to highlight the many paradoxes encountered whilst living in LOS. The 'characters' are certainly better drawn than Leather's and I feel far more empathy with them despite the lack of a clear narrative (or plot). I feel like I've met so many of the people you write about!

Please post again soon - and please consider trying to get this collection published - I promise to be your first customer!

Thanks again for some excellent reading.

Arai wa

[Guest]

Great job! Love the details and especially the dialog. Hope you post more stuff.

Sing Hah

[shamus]

Good read, right on the money!!!!!!!

will keep my eye out for your next

Shamus

[Central Scrutinizer]

Jo,

Another wonderful tale of your times in Bangkok. Well written, amusing yet dark and seamy, real. As I've told you many times you are my favorite writer on farang Bangkok life. You capture the flavor so well I feel I'm there with you. I always care for your characters and can't wait to see what they'll get themselves up to, or what your next adventure will have been. Thanks for posting that here! I just got back home Tuesday night. Let's chat on Sunday if you have the time. I have the doctor's appointment tomorrow for the pain clinic evaluation. Wish me luck. My back held up fine during the trip. Seems excessive boom boom is a great lubricant for a bad back! :-) And please put up some of your other older stories for the lads here. I know they'd love to read them. I'll send you some pics from the wedding and the trip when I get a chance soon. Are you still planning a Dec. trip? Later Jo.

Cent

[zanemay]

AT...

I second the motion that you post more of your "old" writing. That was a great story! Great way to pass the time when away from LOS. Thank you.

Zane May

[Central Scrutinizer]

Another of Alexander's. I loved this one!

[Guest]

Alexander:

You are an excellent writer and the material is quite interesting, but you need to hire an editor.

The posts are too long to read on the computer screen.

Cheers,

Dan

[JCK]

What can I say but "bugger", wish I could write like that.

A bit harsh, Dan Hughes? The stories are remarkably descriptive and, in my opinion, not overly wordy. Saying that, I've just printed out all the stories - a mere 84 pages!