Problems with old/new family

[check_bin_krap]

I guess many experience this. After divorce, and getting a new family. How do you deal with the balance?

 

You can't cut out your old life. Myself, I have 2 Thai step sons. 1 who is more linked to me than his real dad. Its been hard after I divorced his mum. We used to be so close. I haven't seen him now for a long time. I fear we are losing what we had. I miss this a lot.

 

His brother has dealt with it better. He didn't have that close link to me. I see him a lot, we both have small toddlers, who love to play together. I remember my youngest step son, telling us all - whatever happen. We are an unit. A family. I hope I can connect again, though he was wrong.

 

CBK

[Khun_Kong]

CBK-

 

What are the ages of those invloved? How about the physical locations? These may be critical factors.

 

My personal experience in this is that family may not be a strong enough reason in and of itself for people to stay connected. The perceived connection often comes from a static viewpoint- fixing on some past point(s) and wanting to renew from there. Fortunately, actual life is dynamic. And, sometimes, you CAN cut out your old life.

 

Usually, all parties have changed, especially if one is dealing with adults. How many stay in touch with their best friends from college? High school? Elementary school? Your former wife, who you obviously were crazy about at one time, but haven't spoken to in 18 years?

 

Stepchildren can be particularly hard, especially if you became part of their life when they were older. Some of us (revealing comment warning) might perceive the stepparent who came into their lives after the formative years as kind of a "friend of the family", at best. How many have had somebody marry their divorced/widowed parent and then devloped a tight relationship with that person?

 

I had a (very) tough time with this same separation issue when I divorced and moved 1400 km from my former wife and life. My son was 4 at the time. He would do the standard holiday/summertime visits to me, but after age 14, he became very busy with his friends and life. Rarely called me, although I stayed in touch with him (b'days, Xmess, random calls, etc.). Then I moved to Thailand, some 20,000km distant!

 

Late in 2003, I got a call from him- the first in many years. He told me that all he ever does is work and asked if I had any suggestions for making life fun. Bought him a ticket to BKK and we spent a great 10 days together in Pattaya in Feb 2004.

 

His next trip is in about 4 weeks!

 

Over the last year, he has made some huge changes in his master plan, mostly involving hard work while young, with a rigorous savings plan and early retirement now envisioned. He has a great job in NYC and already makes more money than I ever did or will. And- while he has excellent credit, he refuses to buy anything on credit (he recently plunked down cash on a brand new car.)

 

One of the best things I did in life was keeping the message out to him that I was making no demands on his life, his time, his familial allegiances, etc, but that there was always an open door into my life, should he want to use it. If you can do that and they decide to step through, great. If not, you have at least done your best.

 

Good luck. My heart goes out to you.

[Redbaron]

That's a real nice story KK, thanks for sharing.

CBK - I've been trying to work out those answers for years, I'm in a similar situation to your kids/step kids.. trying to keep some kind of balance, catching up with family/step/ex family can be painful, especially if the separation(s) were ugly.

 

Good luck.

[check_bin_krap]

Thanks Khun_kong and Redbaron. My step sons are 27 and 33 years old. I am 43. Both do well in life, and are pillars of strength for other people around them. Eldest one for his family, youngest one is involved in sport with youth. They live not too far away from me, 1/2 hour drive.

 

I hope to be able to connect with youngest one again. I am the only father he has. As you wrote Red, its hard to break ties to old life.

[Nervous_Dog]

CBK and KK - nice stories,

 

Looks like you both have made impressions though that have lasted.

 

I interviewed a girl yesterday that had great English. I asked her ho wshe learnt it.

 

Turns out she lived with her sister and her brother in law who was a great guy, who took her under his wing and made sure she learnt English even when going to public schools from age 8 - 13

 

Great story - and I asked her, "Do you still live with him?"

 

No - the sister and the farang has broken up, and she hasn't seen him for 8 years.

 

Thing is, his kindness has pretty much guaranteed her a job, if not with me with someone else.

 

CBK - you may not feel connected now but I am sure you've made a valuable contribution, and to the farang brother in law who taught Miss B English, she may not say it, but thanks!

 

DOG