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W. C. Fields -- wiser than a lot of folks today


Flashermac

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"A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain."

 

"A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for."

 

"A woman drove me to drink, and I never even had the courtesy to thank her."

 

"After two days in hospital, I took a turn for the nurse."

 

"Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake."

 

"I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally."

 

"I drink therefore I am."

 

"I exercise extreme self-control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast."

 

"I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible . . . for loopholes."

 

"I like children - fried."

 

"I never drink water, fish fuck in it."

 

"If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then give up. There's no sense being a damn fool about it."

 

"If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull."

 

"More people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol."

 

"My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies."

 

"Prayers never bring anything. They may bring solace to the sap, the bigot, the ignorant, the aboriginal, and the lazy - but to the enlightened it is the same as asking Santa Claus to bring you something for Christmas."

 

"Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol."

 

"Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it."

 

"Start every day off with a smile and get it over with."

 

"The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep."

 

"There's not a man in America who at one time or another hasn't had a secret desire to boot a child in the ass."

 

"Women are like elephants. I like to look at them, but I wouldn't want to own one."

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