Bangkok Phil's tour of Soi Cowboy

[fatbastard33]

I recall on the old Delphi board Bangkok Phil doing a tour (in one night) of the bars of Soi Cowboy (despite him losing all of his notes).

It was a terrific report.

Is it possible, BP, to reload it onto this Board?

Cheers

Fatbastard33

[Guest]

Fat - happy to oblige. Glad you liked it.

So here we go then. 7.00 pm on a hot, muggy evening and some 28 plus bars that make up Soi Cowboy lie before me. I've knocked back a pint of pasteurized to line the stomach (what a myth that is), and I've got a time limit of about 15 minutes in each bar, before Bangkok's premier entertainment zone shuts its doors at 2.00am.I've got no time to do the Old Dutch restaurant on the corner, it's not a go-go bar anyway, but the battle plan is up the left-hand side, do a U-turn and then stagger down the opposite side.

There's something unbelievably sad about being in SC at 7.00pm. The place is never really buzzing, but at 7pm it positively sucks. A few farangs taking advantage of the happy hour suds, a few English teachers with dirty shoes, and that's about yer lot. Our Place bar is to be the first of many, shame really, because I think this could be quite lively later on. As it is, there are one or two heavy-set girls shuffling disinterestedly on the long stage, and the rest of the staff are all clustered in groups chatting about what they've done that day- probably sleeping and eating. The Mekhong whisky and Coke goes down in one gulp, and I'm outta there. The next 3 bars all fall under the same category - sh*te. They are all drab single-shophouse affairs with absolutely no atmosphere, especially at this time of night. Only in Tony's Bar does a young thing try to strike up a conversation, but thankfully doesn't put the pressure on me to buy her a lady drink. I have to admit to being a tad upset when she asked me if I was an English teacher. "I'm Bangkok Phil" She didn't seem too impressed. Time to leave. Not bad - 4 bars under me belt and only 35 minutes into the mission.

Jungle Jim's at least has a bit of atmosphere. There are at least 5 girls dancing (well, moving their feet around anyroads) and the music is distinctly up-beat. I make the fatal mistake of sitting on the sofa right in the corner, and suddenly realize I'm boxed in. Shit, two of the staff descend on me like flies round a cow's ar*e and I'm being hit with requests for the dreaded LDs. I tried out the old 'ATM machine swallowed my card' line, but they weren't buying it. I wasn't buying any bloody drinks either. Time to make like a banana and split. Suzy Wong's keeps me relatively entertained for 20 minutes. The dancing is pretty good, and there are at least a few punters in there, so I'm not sticking out like a pork chop at a Bar Mitzvah. Thankfully, no-one approaches me in there and I can move on incognito.

Things start to take a sharp downturn with the next two bars. JB Bar is sad, and Cowboy bar is worse. I'm not using up my alcohol rations in these two dog-holes, and it's a case of a quick Sprite and out. I don't even leave a tip much to the disgust of the waitress (who was the best looking thing in there by a mile).

Wet Lips bar is quite interesting because it has a raised outside seating area where you can watch the world go by. I feel like lingering here a while, but there's a right bob howler lingering a bit too close to me and I smile sweetly, drink my first beer of the evening and leave a 10 baht tip. She seems happy enough. Dandy Bar and Toy Bar are next on the agenda. I actually quite enjoy the Dandy. The lasses are young and cheerful and in no way pushy. One girl bends my ear about her boyfriend in Holland, and I just feel like buying her a drink. Eventually the story about the man from the land of clogs and windmills starts to bore me rigid, and after pointing percy at the porcelain, go back out on to the by now, very busy street. Time to hit the Long Gun bar, touted as Soi Cowboy's finest, and there's certainly a good atmos. It was actually fairly difficult to get a good seat in this place, and even when I did, the girls were far more interested in those who looked like they had money to spend. Have to agree though - the best bar so far.

Shadow Bar is a pale reflection of the days when it was owned by Crazy Jack (sadly no longer with us). The girls are all boot-ugly and they ALL want to talk to you. Quite possibly the fastest gin and tonic I've ever drunk. And the last port of call on the left hand side of this charming little street is the Rawhide Bar, another fairly raucous joint with seemingly not enough dancers to go around the thirsty, horny punters. Not feeling particularly either, I step out into the warm night air, and realise that my speech is definitely becoming a trifle slurred. The open-air Piccolo bar can go and f*** itself, and I contemplate the neon lights of the opposite side. Time is just after 10.30pm. The mission is running like a Swiss clock, but can my body carry me over the finishing line?

The Apache bar, the first port of call on the second leg of this monstrous journey, is to say the least refreshing in its approach and décor. I actually find myself taking far more interest in the Indian masks mounted on the wall than the two naked girls mounting each other playfully on the stage. I suspect it’s to keep themselves amused anyway, because apart from yours truly nursing a glass of Sprite, there’s one other punter who looks as though he’s lost his way to a trainspotter’s convention. I decide to beat a hasty retreat when he aims a few ‘can we make conversation’ glances in my general direction. Out of one door and immediately into another much to the amusement of the girls sitting outside. In fact, one or two people the length and breadth of the street are beginning to guess what I’m up to. Perhaps they’ll all be there at the finishing line to present me with a gold cup and a medallion. Maybe not.

In 5-Star, the attention level goes off the scale as about 4 girls descend on me, and I feel like Hughie Hefner at a Playboy launch party. Unfortunately the champagne goes a bit flat at the mention of lady drinks, and I make a feeble excuse about almost having run out of money. The looks on their faces tell me they’ve heard it a million times before, but they remain very friendly. Especially the one girl with a pair of the biggest hooters I’ve ever seen on a Thai. I’m back on the alcohol in Shirtz bar, and can’t help thinking that a small Singha at this stage of events is a very unwise idea. Shirtz (previously called the New Klymaxx) is so called because the girls wander around in shirts. A novel concept, but one that does nothing for me. The owner probably got the idea from seeing Liz Hurley sporting a striped night-shirt in an Estee Lauder ad, but as none of the girls come anywhere close to having Miss Hurley’s charisma, I swallow my suds and move on.

I’m losing all track of bar-names by now, not helped by the fact that my hastily scribbled notes have been left on a beer-soaked table somewhere. Trying to think back to where I left them taxes my brain a little too much and realise that the rest of the crawl will have to be committed to memory.

Crazy Cats is one of the worst bars I’ve been in tonight. It’s small, it’s claustrophobic, and the toilets smell disgusting. I order the smallest drink I can think of – a tequila, and it’s down and out. The bright lights of the Tilac beckon brighter than most. It’s one of the great stalwarts of the Cowboy. I can remember it from 11 years ago, but sadly one feels its halcyon days are well in the past. Although the music is good and the toilets are spick and span, it’s the first bar of the night where punters outnumber girls by at least two to one. Never a good sign.

By now, with the alcohol beginning to take a serious effect, it crosses my mind to perhaps cheat a little and skip a bar out. Sam 2000 bar positively cries out to you to give it a miss. The bored looking girls outside are only slightly happier than the dancers inside. Time for another tequila one thinks. Black and White bar is one I’ve always disliked. It’s big enough to know better. The music is strictly 80’s and the girls are all on the distinctly heavy side. One of those places where you spend more time examining the label on your beer bottle rather than divert your gaze to kilos of wobbly flesh. Armed with the knowledge of Singha beer’s exact alcoholic content, it’s on to the uninvitingly named New Loretta. Interestingly, the first bar with an obvious ladyboy, and a bloody ugly one at that. Do men actually pay money to go with that? I contemplate this over a rather flat glass of Coke, and make conversation with a teacher from Leeds. Detecting he’s as bored with it all as I am, I call for the bill.

After Skool bar has predictably girls decked out in school uniforms, but they fail to carry it off. They should be wandering around patting bottoms with hockey sticks and berating the customers for not handing in their homework. Instead they all sit at one end of a large sofa and scoff north-eastern food, ignoring every single male drinker at the bar. The Dubbel Dutch bar is not surprisingly owned by a Dutchman. His girls are spectacularly ordinary, but they do at least make half-hearted attempts to ascertain my country of origin. Time is alas moving on, and I still have half a dozen bars to stick my head into. I’m now faced with the terror of two ‘normal’ bars – the Hare and Hounds and the DL Irish pub. I manage to force a drink down me in both of them, but this is not the time of the evening to listen to people making serious conversation about mortgage rates or watch Aussie rules football on a wide-screen TV. Being in these two fine hostelries has made me strangely yearn for yet more go-go action, and Midnite bar is kicking to say the least. It’s show-time as I walk in, and the young lass on stage is doing some wonderful things with a ball of string. She can help me wrap up my Christmas presents anyday.

At this late hour of the day, Pam’s bar and Duke’s bar are both in desperate need of any customer they can lay their hands on, but I’m really only interested in emptying my bladder. I swear in Pam’s urinals that the level of the Chao Prya river rose by six inches after I’d finished.

The finishing line, the ticker tape, the pot of gold at the end of the Rainbow – Baccara bar, formerly Bluebird coktail lounge, where the girls used to engage you in polite small talk while wearing sophisticated evening dresses. How times change. There must be at least 10 naked girls dancing their ass off to pumping techno. I sort of sit there with a vacant expression, and realize that every customer (and there are plenty of them) have a girl sitting with them. Still, it saves me money on lady drinks.

And there you have it. Every single bar in Soi Cowboy done and dusted. I resist the temptation of a chicken leg from the barbecue stall at the end of the soi and hail a taxi. The fact that I can remember where I live is a feat in itself. The driver is well impressed. He’s not so impressed when I open the door at the first traffic lights and have a good chunder into the gutter.

[fatbastard33]

Originally posted by Bangkok Phil:

"Fat - happy to oblige. Glad you liked it."

Thanks, Phil.

Fatbastard33

[Ozgaz]

Phil

It's a beautiful thing. Next, NEP please.

Chok dii khap

Ozgaz

PS: You can't have been that pissed, if you could remember to open the door of the cab.

[shygye]

Which bars have good lavatory facilities. I have a shy bladder so I do not want anyone rubbing me while I assume the position, LOL.

[Guest]

That was certainly one of the early culture shocks

for me on my first trip to pat-pong. It just wouldn't

start that first time with these girls combing their hair in the mirror next to the urinal lol lol lol

[colonel Kurtz]

an excellent report on soi cowboy......what about one in Pattaya?

[Guest]

Hey, Phil. I've been off the board for over a month, I guess, and it was nice to come back and see your post on Cowboy.

As Michael Corleone says in Godfather 3: "Just when you think you're out, they PULL YOU BACK IN!"

I've beaten back the BKK Blues, permanently I believe, but your post brought a nice, reminiscent smile to this tired face. Cheers. Chicago Dave

[keith doug]

RE Soi Cowboy Have visited most bars and without question the 2 best ae Black and White and Tilac Bar.

The tilac could actually be voted as the best in bangkok a very big gogo bar very comfortable and lovely girls ! Much better than some bars than patpong

About 100am is the best time to visy it closes at 2am and the girls are more friendly !!

[bangcock]

100AM, how late is that.... 4 days later or so ???

10PM correct?? if so i'll be there to join the party !!!