Let Sleeping Village Dogs Lie? Nah.

[Central Scrutinizer]

 

Let Sleeping Village Dogs Lie?----Nah!

 

To All,

 

The village sleeps deep under the black silk star filled night skies. The hard work of the day, the now full belly, and the few glasses of beer or rice wine renders most villagers senseless and asleep at an early hour most nights. A slight warm breeze sighs through the foliage like the flight of a fairy on her butterfly wings, skipping and dancing, and fluttering willy nilly through the fronds and flowers. It sounds like the trees and bushes are whispering words of endearment and sweet nothings to each other. In Lao, of course. It has a mysterious and sexy sound, like a woman's soft honey breath that, gently as a moth's wing, tickles your ear, as she encourages you to further efforts to complete the final moments toward the climax soon to come. "Wait for me darling, wait for me." it murmurs seductively. It's a lovely thing to hear. Life would be so incomplete, a void, a sadder place, without its haunting sensuous sound. I love the night sounds of the village.

 

Aloft on the breeze floats the invigorating scent of Isaan. It lingers around you, and dances a tantillizing old Siam dance in your nostrils. It's the ultimate perfume. It's that smell. That smell you smell when you first step off the jet plane to the tarmac in Don Muang airport. The musky flowery fragrance of a young Thai woman, any Thai woman, all the women. Thailand smells like a sexy golden skinned woman with flowers in her hair. It's that addictive scent that draws you back each time. You have to smell it just that one more time before you die. You have no choice. You must return. If only I could bottle that scent! I'd be a multi-billionaire.

 

Some nights I have a hard time sleeping.

 

Especially in the village for some reason. I'll fall asleep when everyone else does, but awaken a couple of hours later, and stay awake for too many damned hours before I finally tire once again near dawn. I hate doing this. It pisses me off, because I know the next day I'll be beat and grumpy, and I usually have things I want or need to do. But such is life. The older you get the more you truly appreciate a really good night's sleep. I just wish I could go back to sleep. I have very colorful and strange dreams when in Thailand too. Very strange. A good session of carnal play usually helps do the trick, but sadly the wife has her bloody friend over once a month, and for two or three days she is loathe to do the nasty. Bad cramps she has. Poor lass.

 

So what to do? Well, a few stiff drinks sometimes helps. For me you goofballs, not the wife and her cramps. She gets a 250mg Mydol for the cramps, a kiss goodnight from her loving husband, and she's off to lala land. If a guy can't get laid, why, well, the next best thing to do is to get a buzz on, right? Helps you sleep.

 

This was one of those nights.

 

I sit in the dark on the front veranda, sipping a cocktail. I've always wondered where this term, cocktail, came from? Some of my new-found, cheap, yet tasty and potent, golden brown Phillipine rum. Makro has a nice pineapple juice they sell that goes down just right when mixed with this rum. These are good times sitting alone quietly and pondering life, love, the universe, my navel, and the red glow trail of the head of my lit cigarette in the quiet dark of the night. It's very relaxing, and is condusive to a good night's sleep. Well, if you don't drink too much rum that is.

 

Mr. Toad usually keeps me company. I'm bringing him a ceramic "Toad House" when next I return. Hope he appreciates it, and the trouble taken to bring it over. We'll see. Sometimes even a couple of his toady buddies come around too, and we all sit there blinking at each other, my throat throbbing along with theirs as I gulp down my drink occasionally. The crazy bat will be doing his circling feasting around the street light up the corner by Sis 2's shop. Why the hell he doesn't get dizzy and fall to the ground puking up bugs I'll never know. The light whispering woman scented breeze will tickle the rivulets of sweat, and the dripping condensation from my drink glass, that trickles down my bare chest to pool in my belly button. Everyone is asleep except us toads, the bat, and some crickets, who stay well away from Mr. Toad and his pals, if they know what's good for them. Personally I don't care for crickets. I'd kill though for some Bachman's Pretzel Rods, salted, and a nice strong spicey German mustard.

 

Sometimes Lenny the Lizard will croak out a well intentioned "Fuck you", just to let us know he's still thinking of us. I tell him quietly to get fucked, not wanting him to get in the last word. It's a Hallmark Card moment, or a black velvet Norman Rockwell painting scene from Isaan. It's the kind of night to make you remember your youth, to think of your old follies, and the old friends you miss that you wish were there to share the moment with over a drink, and a smoke and a chat. Hell, a joint would go down fine too, but I gave that shit up a couple of decades ago, well, except for a toke now and again on occasion when someone offers, and I don't have the willpower to "just say no".

 

I can smell the red clay earth around the house. It's a good smell. Gaia's breath. And the moist odor of the lake down the road sweetens the already sensory titillating laden air. The bat chirps as he dives for some flying insect he's zoned in on for his next bite in his seemingly endless meal. The toads get bored after a while and decide to split. Mr. Toad tells me they are hopping off in search of some golden eyed toad ladies that they think will probably put out for a cricket or two. He invites me along, but I tell him I've had my fill of screwing toads back in farangland.

He gives me a funny look and flops away over the floor to catch up with his buds. Later dude.

 

I am a weird fuck I'm not ashamed to say. I admit it. Hard to hide it really. I have these games I play sometimes. The one where I secretly pinch peoples heads off as I squint over my cigarette and beer being an old favorite of mine. Endless hours of fun that. One involves the soi dogs. You see, these doggy assholes are one of the reasons I sometimes can't sleep at night in the village. As the village sleeps these idiots seem to think it's party time. And when one dog party erupts in noise and violence, well every fucking soi dog within a kilometer just has to join in the fun.

 

I think I've figured out why the Khmer eat dog. It's not because they are hungry. It's not because they are too poor to buy a chicken or some pork. It's not because they like the taste of dog meat really. It's because one morning the Khmer guy wakes up and says to the dog, "All right mother fucker. That's it. Last night was the last night you are waking me the fuck up with your incessant howling and barking!" and slits the poor canine's throat. "Wife! Tonight we eat dog!" he yells in the door, while hanging the mutt upside-down to drain his blood into a pan to make some blood sausages, and blood soup jello squares. Why waste the meat, right?

 

So, the game. Well, after a few cocktails I notice the dogs are all nice and comfy laying about in the soi. They are alseep. Now I've asked the wife before why the hell the Thais all keep so many dogs around. They don't seem to really like most of the dogs. They don't treat them like pets so much as we falangs do, really. She says they are for protection, and to be like burglar alarms. Bullshit. I think they sell 'em to the Khmer for food when they are broke. These dogs really aren't good watch dogs.

 

Why do I say this? Because I, a slightly inebriated farang, can walk right up to them, right through a pack of them, as they lay sleeping in the road without waking them up.

 

It's a game I play late at night on occasion. When I can't sleep. Yeah, I know. I'll never grow up and get serious. Who really wants to?

 

Once they are all asleep in the street I wait 10 or 15 minutes, then, barefoot, I quietly walk right up to them and stand next to their sleeping forms. None of them move a muscle. Not an eye opens. They are out like a light. There are packs of them all along the soi sleeping in groups of four or five. I sometimes try to see how far down the middle of the street I can walk before one of them will notice me and start barking. I can get pretty damned far believe me. These dogs ain't good guard/watch dogs.

 

The ones down the road a bit by the circling hungry bat's streetlight are the ones that always bark at me during the day, and the ones that wake me up almost every night with their freakin' howling. What I like to do to them is wait until they are asleep and then walk quietly up to them, and stand right near them. Then I start barking and growling at the top of my lungs. Scares the living shit out of them! Hahahahaha! You should see them jump! One pissed himself I scared him so bad! They hate it when I do this. And they always get this sheepish look on their faces, like they are thinking, "Shit! He did it again! Humans aren't supposed to be able to sneak up on us like that, dammit."

 

If I can't sleep tonight, well, these mangy fuckers aren't gonna sleep tonight either!

 

Pay-back's a bitch mutt. And so's ya mutha.

 

 

Cent

(The Central Scrutinizer)

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"Blessings on him who invented sleep, the mantle that covers all human thoughts, the food that appeases hunger, the drink that quenches thirst, the fire that warms the cold, the cold that moderates heat, and lastly, the general coin that purchases all things, the balance and weight that equals the shepard with the king, and the simple with the wise."

 

Miguel De Cervantes,

Don Quixote

 

[Central Scrutinizer]

1

[Guest]

lol...a classic, like usual. Keep up the good writing!

 

 

[Central Scrutinizer]

Danno,

 

Thanks. Glad you liked it. Thanks for taking the time to let me know you enjoyed it.

 

A couple more weeks and I'll be back in the village. It'll be quite a bit warmer there than here in the Boston area! Thank Christ!

 

Cent

[Guest]

Hi Cent,

 

What I like to do to them is wait until they are asleep and then walk quietly up to them, and stand right near them. Then I start barking and growling at the top of my lungs.

---

 

Guess you enjoy living dangerously then? ::

Take care with the local wild life.

 

Great writing style as usual - keep it up and try to post soon.

 

D

[Central Scrutinizer]

Dapper,

 

Hahaha! Yes, dangerously, foolishly, in many ways, all quite alarming and annoying to family and friends. But dammit, those dogs need a scare or two and a few nights without sleep! I've found most of these dogs to be very cowardly, and not prone to attack unless actually attacked themselves. Barking at them/scaring them doesn't seem too dangerous, they mostly piss themselves and run away, only to bark and growl at you from a safe distance, although touching or physical violence such as kicking or hitting would probably gain you some nice bite wounds, scars, and pleasant times at the hospital geting rabies treatments. (Ouch!)

 

Not a smart move on my part I agree, but I've never claimed to be that bright anyway, and the alcohol and my half a brain sometimes don't mix well. Makes me a prime candidate for a Darwin award. :-)

 

Cent

[anonymouse]

Good luck to you Cent!

Just got back from a couple of weeks in the village - peace and quiet except my wifes yapping poodle, next doors yapping poodle and the half a dozen or so mangy mutts that live [sort of ] with the people across the street. And your right they are a bunch of cowards. The six month old kitten that we've got gave one of soi dogs a real pasting when he tresspassed onto our property I did have to even it up a bit with a small rock thrown at the mutt but the cat was giving a pretty good account of its self!

[Guest]

Well, I have enjoyed all your stories....sounds like some great experiences. Although I am a bit jealous being a

fellow Bostonian and not having any future trips planned! I'll have to live through your future stories until my next

visit!

[Central Scrutinizer]

anonymouse,

 

Poodles! Ahhhhhcrap, I hate Poodles! If we ever meet tell your lady NOT to tell my lady about any damned cute little Poodles!! There won't be any freakin' Poodles in my house. :-)

 

So you had a nice village visit? Any stories you can relate for us? Peace and quiet? Are you sure you were in a Thai village? :-)

 

Good for the cat. Yeah, most of the dogs are fairly wimpy and cowardly. Although in a large enough crowd/pack they can get kinda ballsy. I just keep my back clear and watch for the little buggers. They always seem to be the biters! I'm carving a nice walking stick/pole for the morning walks through the village and the countryside. They have this wood, a blond and reddish mixtured marbled dense stuff that is very good looking, and heavy as hell and sturdy as Oak. I have a six foot length that fits nicely in the hand I'm gonna use for walking and protection from varmints.

 

Cent

[Central Scrutinizer]

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