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teddy

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Everything posted by teddy

  1. teddy

    Any New Jokes

    Ahh, that seems logical. Someone should tell that conference organiser though that it was a bad idea to hold a conference in the same place and on the same day as an England v Scotland match.
  2. teddy

    Any New Jokes

    Teddy' date=' are you suggesting that Sydney is full of wankers? :hubba: [/quote'] Not me, but that 'Police Spokesman' sems to be insinuating it
  3. teddy

    Any New Jokes

    If that was the case, then I can only assume that the Edinburgh jocks were Hearts or Hibs fans going to watch their team play either Rangers or Celtic in Glasgow. What the feck were the English fans doing. Did they support either Hearts or Hibs and if they did, what the feck where they doing living in Edinburgh? Torneyboy has got some explaining to do
  4. teddy

    Any New Jokes

    However, you're all missing the bleedingly obvious. Scotsmen are generally fat bastards and it would be virtually impossible to get 3 of them in one train toilet.
  5. teddy

    Any New Jokes

    OK lets have one about chaps from Sydney:
  6. teddy

    Any New Jokes

    No they weren't, those were the guys who were coming back from the conference, the guys coming back from the football got pissed in the pub outside the ground and missed the train
  7. teddy

    Any New Jokes

    could be considered funny. But since there were Scots in each restroom where did one of the Scots go to knock on the Door of the Englismens restroom, they were not even on the Train! The 'Punchline' is the part of the joke where one laughs. If you started laughing before you got to "ticket, please", you must have a strange sense of humour.
  8. teddy

    Any New Jokes

    That's not the punchline, just part of the joke, the punchline is "ticket please"
  9. teddy

    Any New Jokes

    A zebra dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates. As he enters, he asks St. Peter, â??I have a question that haunted me all of my days on earth. Am I a white horse with black stripes or a black horse with white stripes?â? St. Peter said, â??Thatâ??s a question only God can answer.â? So the zebra went off in search of God. When he found Him, the zebra asked, â??God, please - I must know. Am I a white horse with black stripes or a black horse with white stripes?â? God simply replied, â??You are what you are.â? The zebra returned to see St. Peter once more, who asked him, â??Well, did God answer your question for you?â? The zebra looked puzzled. â??No sir, God simply said, â??You are what you are.â??â? St. Peter smiled and said to the zebra, â??Well then, that answers it, you are a white horse with black stripes.â? The zebra asked St. Peter, â??How do you know that?â? â??Because,â? said St. Peter, â??If you were a black horse with white stripes, God would have said, â??You is what you is.â?Â
  10. teddy

    Any New Jokes

    I would laugh but I have a really stiff neck. I took a viagra this morning and didn't swallow quickly enough
  11. teddy

    Any New Jokes

    There's no accounting for taste
  12. teddy

    Any New Jokes

    Bloke sees an advert in a pet shop window "Talking Centipede, £5,000." He buys it takes it home in a small box and after about 30 mins opens the box and asks it if it would like to go for a pint, the centipede doesn't answer. Raising his voice he repeats the question, still no reply, getting angry and feeling ripped off he begins to shout the question at the centipede, at this point the centipede sticks his head out of the box and says "I heard you the first time, I'm putting my feckin shoes on."
  13. Hi Chris, Like many posters have said you have shown considerable bravery in posting this, it should serve as a wake up call to us all, I know it has for me. I will pray for a cure which I am sure will be found. Hope you stay fit and healthy and I will even hope that Arsenal win the CL this year to keep you cheery. Best wishes, Teddy
  14. teddy

    Any New Jokes

    A dwarf woman goes to the doctors. The doctor says "What can I do for you?" The dwarf woman says "Doctor, everytime it rains my fanny gets sore." The doctor doesnâ??t understand and asks her to explain. So she says "I donâ??t know what it is, but everytime itâ??s raining, my fanny fucking kills me." The doctor says "Well Iâ??ll tell you what, come back and see me when itâ??s raining and Iâ??ll have a look." A couple of days later itâ??s pissing down and the dwarf womanâ??s back at the doctors." "Right," he says. "Hop on to the bench and Iâ??ll take a look at you." So she gets on the bench and the doctor examines her. Then he goes and gets his scalpel. He comes back and says "Ok, I just need to do a couple of cuts here and there." Then he tells her to stand up and asks "Howâ??s that?" "Excellent,doctor! What did you do?" He says "Oh, I just took a couple of inches off the top of your wellies."
  15. teddy

    Any New Jokes

    A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist. "Come now," coaxed the doctor, "you've been seeing me for years! There's nothing you can't tell me." "This one's kind of strange..." "Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied. "Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet and when I looked down, the water was full of pennies." "I see." "That afternoon I went to the bathroom again and, plink-plink-plink, there were nickels in the bowl." "That night," she went on, "I went again, plink-plink-plink, and there were dimes and this morning there were quarters ! Youve got to tell me what's wrong with me!" she implored, "I'm scared out of my wits!" The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "There, there, it's nothing to be scared about." "You're simply going through the change!
  16. teddy

    Any New Jokes

    A virile, middle-aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman. Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he shagged her senseless. After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?" She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No." Surprised, Guido reached for her and the shagging resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ended and, again, Guido smiled and asked, "You finish?" Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly said, "No." Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reached for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido fell onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked again, "You finish?" She paused for a second, frowned, looking totally perplexed and replied, "No." Guido prayed to the gods and from somewhere managed to summon another boner. Dragging himslef on top of her he managed to shag her again but this time feeling like he was going to slip into unconsciousness. Exhausted and barely able to speak he whispered, "you finish?" Barely able to speak herself, the beautiful blonde whispered in his ear, "No, I Norwegian."
  17. teddy

    Any New Jokes

    A young boy was playing with his train set when his mum overhears him from the kitchen.. â??All you bastards getting off, fuck off, all you bastards getting on, fucking hurry upâ?Â, Mum scolds him and sends him to his bedroom for 2 hours until he learns to be nice. When he starts playing again 2 hours later, mum hears him say.. â??Those disembarking, please mind the gap and have a nice day, those boarding, please enjoy your journeyâ? Mum smiles, until she hears, â??and those upset at the 2 hour delay, blame the fat cunt in the kitchenâ?Â
  18. teddy

    Any New Jokes

    A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected 2 litres of low fat milk, a carton of eggs, 2 litres of orange juice, a head of lettuce, half a dozen tomatoes, a 500g jar of coffee and a 250g pack of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated," You must be single." The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the drunk's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what,you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?" The drunk replied, "Cos you're an ugly bitch."
  19. teddy

    Any New Jokes

    A man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm while his wife is lying in bed reading. Man says: "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache." Wife replies: "I think you'll find that is a sheep." Man replies: "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."
  20. teddy

    Any New Jokes

    A Liverpool fan is walking along a beach, when he sees an old bottle. He picks it up, and takes out the cork. Out pops a genie who says: "I am the football genie. I grant 3 wishes, and everything you wish for wish for, you shall get, but every Manchester United fan will get twice what you wish for." "Fair enough", says the man. "I wish for 1 million quid". "You understand that every one of the ManU will receive 2 million?" "Yep, I can live with that" And, lo and behold, there appears a case of 50 pound notes. "Now I wish for Liverpool to win the European Cup for 10 years running" "You understand that this means Manchester United will win the Cup 20 years running?" "Yep, I can live with that" And, lo and behold, there appears a sports almanack from the year 2050 showing the English dominance of the European Cup "Final wish" After some thought the Liverpool fan replies: "I'd like to give a kidney transplant......"
  21. teddy

    Any New Jokes

    A ManU fan is on his way home to Surrey after the match sporting his replica top. Suddenly he drops down dead of a heart attack and next thing he awakes outside the pearly gates. He rings the bell and St Peter answers, "What the feck do you want", says St Peter, stirring in disgust at his replica top. "I want to come in says the Manc", "Feck off says St Peter, we don't allow Mancs in here", "But I have been good all my life", replies the Manc, "I have always given to charities, heck just this morning I gave 15 pounds to the poor kids in Africa". "Ok, I'll have a word with the boss, see what I can do, you stay here", says St Peter. St Peter reappears after 5 minutes with 3 five pound notes in his hand. "I've had a word with the boss and we both agree, here's your fifteen pounds back, now feck off!"
  22. teddy

    Any New Jokes

    A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender: "I'll have a brandy........................................... .............................................................. .............................................................. .............................................................. .............................................................. .............................................................. ..........and coke." The bartender asks: "What's with the big pause?" The bear responds: "I dunno. I've always had them."
  23. teddy

    Any New Jokes

    An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shovelling." And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies." He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile." So the foreman goes away for a couple hours and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched. He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" The Italian replies, "I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinese a fella that he a wasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere." Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile." The Scotsman replies, "Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnay fin' him either." The foreman is really angry now and storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy ... Just then, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells... "SUPPLIES!!!"
  24. teddy

    Any New Jokes

    A stable lad is called by the Stable Owner and informed that a vet shall be visiting to assess the condition of some horses. The owner cautions the young man before closing the call, making him aware that the vet is a dwarf and has a speech impediment Sure enough the vet arrives and s greeted warmly by the stable lad. â??Can I â??thee the horthes?â? asks the vet The lad says â??sure which horses specifically?â? â??The female horthesâ? comes the reply the lad takes the vet over to the mares and opens the first stall â??Can I take a look at her eythes?â? asks the vet The stable lad steps toward the vet and hoists him up high enough to peer in to the horses eyes.. "Good" says the vet.. â??Now can I thee her twot?â? The lad thinks this is a little strange but lifts the vet up regardless and squeezes his head between the mares hind legs.. After a few moments he lowers the vet and waits for the verdict.. â??Yesâ?¦ â? says the vet, â??Perhaps I should wephwase that.. Id like to watch the horth wun awound a bit!â?Â
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