Mekong

The Rules of Cricket (Simplified) You have two sides, one out in the field and one in. Each man that's in the side that's in goes out, and when he's out he comes in and the next man goes in until he's out. When they are all out, the side that's out comes in and the side thats been in goes out and tries to get those coming in, out. Sometimes you get men still in and not out. When a man goes out to go in, the men who are out try to get him out, and when he is out he goes in and the next man in goes out and goes in. There are two men called umpires who stay out all the time and they decide when the men who are in are out. When both sides have been in and all the men have out, and both sides have been out twice after all the men have been in, including those who are not out, that is the end of the game!

My Gardener offerd me some 2001 Turf today he tried to sell it as "Munchmaster Grass" when I questioned the name he replied 7 years in Thailand and never been laid!

Sorry Muppet you are the Thicko I can write my own posts and not just cut and paste shit jokes

Fux I didn't realise Munchie was a blonde!

Munchie it is 2008 you are cutting and pasting jokes that were in my inbox in 1998 Go and post on the useless thread we started it for you!

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, he motioned for her to come nearer. She sat by him. He whispered, eyes full of tears, 'You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side . . . You know what?' 'What dear?' She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. 'I think you're bad luck, fuck off!'

A Polish man moved to England and married a Local girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well Until one day he rushed in a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions: Have you any grounds? Yes, an acre and half and nice little home. No, I mean what is the foundation of this case? It made of concrete. I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge? No, we have carport, and not need one. I mean, how are your relations? All my relations still in Poland . Is there infidelity in your marriage? We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player. Does your wife beat you up? No, I always up before her. Is your wife a nagger? No, she white. Why do you want this divorce? She going to kill me. What makes you think that? I got proof. What kind of proof? She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at Pharmacy and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say: 'Polish Remover.'

After digging to a depth of 1,000 metres last year, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1,000 years, and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network 1,000 years ago. So, not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, English scientists dug 2,000 metres and headlines in the U.K. papers read: "U.K. scientists have found traces of 2,000 year old optical fibres, and have concluded that their ancestors already had advanced high-tech digital telephone 1,000 years earlier than the Scottish." One week later, the Irish newspapers reported the following: "After digging as deep as 5,000 metres, Irish scientists have found absolutely nothing. They have concluded that 5,000 years ago, their ancestors were already using wireless technology.â?Â

TB Probably see's a future Rolling Stones Album Cover

A woman went to the Doctors and rather sheepishly explained that she had a problem with her Vagina. The Doctor told her to go into the examination room strip off,put on a gown and lie on the table. A few minutes later he came in lifted up the gown and said in pure disbelive "Oh My God! That looks like a lettuce leaf growing down there" to which the woman replied "Doc I can assure you that is only the tip of the Iceberg"

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?" The father answers, "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: "You got Male!"

Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day. They both met with an Angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven. The angel said 'Unfortunately, there 's only one space in Heaven today so I must decide which of one of you will be admitted.' The Angel asked Dolly if there was some particular reason why she should go to H eaven. Dolly took off her top and said, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.' The Angel thanked Dolly, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question. The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushes it without saying a word. The Angel immediately said, 'OK, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven.' Dolly was outraged and asked, 'What was that all about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me? 'Sorry, Dolly,' said the Angel, 'but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair - no matter how big they are.'

I am not sure if this should be in this thread or Munchies "Anyone want to loose some weight" thread. An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds." When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 POUNDS! "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?" The Irishman nodded..."I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead dat 3rd day." "From hunger, you mean?" "No, from de bloody skippin'!!!!!"

Hampshire police thought it would be a good idea to advertise on the rear of a bus. Their planning did not take into account the position of the exhaust pipe.

KS, The "must be a cat with no tail thing.......... " line was referance to my birth place The Isle of Man also referred to as 70,000 alcoholics clinging to a rock. The Manx Cat is famous for being tailess

Come on SJ ... KS was confused enough with the joke, you will have totaly lost him with that comment.

Lost in translation

Cyclops One I'd sounds the same as "One Eyed" Git "Noun. An idiot or contemptible person. Derived from 'get'. " Source So One I'd Get similar to One Eyed Git (Idiot) Hence the Cyclops hit him

It seems Teddy recieved the same emails as I did yesterday.

21) Ah, beer. The cause of and the solution to all of life's problems. Homer Simpson

Some good ones in there Flash, I liked The presumed deceased part made me laugh,

Touche

ijs5 joke reminded me of this old one An Englishman an Irishman and A Scotsman went to a Brothel in Amsterdam and were told that the going rate was â?¬25 / inch. A couple of hours later after doing the dirty deed they were chatting to each other outside, the Englishman said " Not bad for â?¬200" the Irishman, somewhat bragging said" I paid â?¬250" then the Scotsman added "Well I only paid â?¬75" The Englishman and Irish looked at the Scotsman and burst out laughing â?¬75 ha ha ha, the Scotsman replied "I don't know what you're both laughing at, I paid on the way out"

Following the death of Pavarotti the Three Tenors will now be known as 20 Quid!

Just Teasing ... Being a "Professional Pedantic Asshole" is part of my job description and it has been one of those days today. Rather than let off steam here I think I will take the 200 Meter stroll down Soi AR and into Soi 6 instead, having digs in Pattaya for work sure beats anywhere I ever was in the ME