teddy

I was on holiday then so I didn't see it. Anyway, it was better the way I told it

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong. "Well," replies Paul, "You know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?" "Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh. "Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally worked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed." "That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?" "I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my cock to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show". "Sensible" says Jeff. "So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, sexiest, negligee you ever saw." "And what happened then?" said Jeff "I kicked her in the face."

A husband took his wife to play her first game of golf.....Of course, the wife promptly whacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologise and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us." So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in." When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window. A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?" "Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied. "Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you... You see, I'm a genie , and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself." "Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!" "And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked. "I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said. "Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!" "And now," the couple asked in unison, what's your wish, genie?" "Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife." The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?" "You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. I'd do the same for you!" So the genie and the woman went upstairs. Three hours later the genie rolled over, looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?" "Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly. He said, "Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"

Ahh, that seems logical. Someone should tell that conference organiser though that it was a bad idea to hold a conference in the same place and on the same day as an England v Scotland match.

Teddy' date=' are you suggesting that Sydney is full of wankers? :hubba: [/quote'] Not me, but that 'Police Spokesman' sems to be insinuating it

If that was the case, then I can only assume that the Edinburgh jocks were Hearts or Hibs fans going to watch their team play either Rangers or Celtic in Glasgow. What the feck were the English fans doing. Did they support either Hearts or Hibs and if they did, what the feck where they doing living in Edinburgh? Torneyboy has got some explaining to do

However, you're all missing the bleedingly obvious. Scotsmen are generally fat bastards and it would be virtually impossible to get 3 of them in one train toilet.

OK lets have one about chaps from Sydney:

No they weren't, those were the guys who were coming back from the conference, the guys coming back from the football got pissed in the pub outside the ground and missed the train

could be considered funny. But since there were Scots in each restroom where did one of the Scots go to knock on the Door of the Englismens restroom, they were not even on the Train! The 'Punchline' is the part of the joke where one laughs. If you started laughing before you got to "ticket, please", you must have a strange sense of humour.

That's not the punchline, just part of the joke, the punchline is "ticket please"

A zebra dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates. As he enters, he asks St. Peter, â??I have a question that haunted me all of my days on earth. Am I a white horse with black stripes or a black horse with white stripes?â? St. Peter said, â??Thatâ??s a question only God can answer.â? So the zebra went off in search of God. When he found Him, the zebra asked, â??God, please - I must know. Am I a white horse with black stripes or a black horse with white stripes?â? God simply replied, â??You are what you are.â? The zebra returned to see St. Peter once more, who asked him, â??Well, did God answer your question for you?â? The zebra looked puzzled. â??No sir, God simply said, â??You are what you are.â??â? St. Peter smiled and said to the zebra, â??Well then, that answers it, you are a white horse with black stripes.â? The zebra asked St. Peter, â??How do you know that?â? â??Because,â? said St. Peter, â??If you were a black horse with white stripes, God would have said, â??You is what you is.â?Â

This wanker should be banned immediately

I would laugh but I have a really stiff neck. I took a viagra this morning and didn't swallow quickly enough

There's no accounting for taste

Bloke sees an advert in a pet shop window "Talking Centipede, £5,000." He buys it takes it home in a small box and after about 30 mins opens the box and asks it if it would like to go for a pint, the centipede doesn't answer. Raising his voice he repeats the question, still no reply, getting angry and feeling ripped off he begins to shout the question at the centipede, at this point the centipede sticks his head out of the box and says "I heard you the first time, I'm putting my feckin shoes on."

Hi Chris, Like many posters have said you have shown considerable bravery in posting this, it should serve as a wake up call to us all, I know it has for me. I will pray for a cure which I am sure will be found. Hope you stay fit and healthy and I will even hope that Arsenal win the CL this year to keep you cheery. Best wishes, Teddy

A dwarf woman goes to the doctors. The doctor says "What can I do for you?" The dwarf woman says "Doctor, everytime it rains my fanny gets sore." The doctor doesnâ??t understand and asks her to explain. So she says "I donâ??t know what it is, but everytime itâ??s raining, my fanny fucking kills me." The doctor says "Well Iâ??ll tell you what, come back and see me when itâ??s raining and Iâ??ll have a look." A couple of days later itâ??s pissing down and the dwarf womanâ??s back at the doctors." "Right," he says. "Hop on to the bench and Iâ??ll take a look at you." So she gets on the bench and the doctor examines her. Then he goes and gets his scalpel. He comes back and says "Ok, I just need to do a couple of cuts here and there." Then he tells her to stand up and asks "Howâ??s that?" "Excellent,doctor! What did you do?" He says "Oh, I just took a couple of inches off the top of your wellies."

A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist. "Come now," coaxed the doctor, "you've been seeing me for years! There's nothing you can't tell me." "This one's kind of strange..." "Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied. "Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet and when I looked down, the water was full of pennies." "I see." "That afternoon I went to the bathroom again and, plink-plink-plink, there were nickels in the bowl." "That night," she went on, "I went again, plink-plink-plink, and there were dimes and this morning there were quarters ! Youve got to tell me what's wrong with me!" she implored, "I'm scared out of my wits!" The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "There, there, it's nothing to be scared about." "You're simply going through the change!

A virile, middle-aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman. Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he shagged her senseless. After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?" She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No." Surprised, Guido reached for her and the shagging resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ended and, again, Guido smiled and asked, "You finish?" Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly said, "No." Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reached for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido fell onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked again, "You finish?" She paused for a second, frowned, looking totally perplexed and replied, "No." Guido prayed to the gods and from somewhere managed to summon another boner. Dragging himslef on top of her he managed to shag her again but this time feeling like he was going to slip into unconsciousness. Exhausted and barely able to speak he whispered, "you finish?" Barely able to speak herself, the beautiful blonde whispered in his ear, "No, I Norwegian."

A young boy was playing with his train set when his mum overhears him from the kitchen.. â??All you bastards getting off, fuck off, all you bastards getting on, fucking hurry upâ?Â, Mum scolds him and sends him to his bedroom for 2 hours until he learns to be nice. When he starts playing again 2 hours later, mum hears him say.. â??Those disembarking, please mind the gap and have a nice day, those boarding, please enjoy your journeyâ? Mum smiles, until she hears, â??and those upset at the 2 hour delay, blame the fat cunt in the kitchenâ?Â

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected 2 litres of low fat milk, a carton of eggs, 2 litres of orange juice, a head of lettuce, half a dozen tomatoes, a 500g jar of coffee and a 250g pack of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated," You must be single." The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the drunk's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what,you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?" The drunk replied, "Cos you're an ugly bitch."

A man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm while his wife is lying in bed reading. Man says: "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache." Wife replies: "I think you'll find that is a sheep." Man replies: "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."

A Liverpool fan is walking along a beach, when he sees an old bottle. He picks it up, and takes out the cork. Out pops a genie who says: "I am the football genie. I grant 3 wishes, and everything you wish for wish for, you shall get, but every Manchester United fan will get twice what you wish for." "Fair enough", says the man. "I wish for 1 million quid". "You understand that every one of the ManU will receive 2 million?" "Yep, I can live with that" And, lo and behold, there appears a case of 50 pound notes. "Now I wish for Liverpool to win the European Cup for 10 years running" "You understand that this means Manchester United will win the Cup 20 years running?" "Yep, I can live with that" And, lo and behold, there appears a sports almanack from the year 2050 showing the English dominance of the European Cup "Final wish" After some thought the Liverpool fan replies: "I'd like to give a kidney transplant......"

A ManU fan is on his way home to Surrey after the match sporting his replica top. Suddenly he drops down dead of a heart attack and next thing he awakes outside the pearly gates. He rings the bell and St Peter answers, "What the feck do you want", says St Peter, stirring in disgust at his replica top. "I want to come in says the Manc", "Feck off says St Peter, we don't allow Mancs in here", "But I have been good all my life", replies the Manc, "I have always given to charities, heck just this morning I gave 15 pounds to the poor kids in Africa". "Ok, I'll have a word with the boss, see what I can do, you stay here", says St Peter. St Peter reappears after 5 minutes with 3 five pound notes in his hand. "I've had a word with the boss and we both agree, here's your fifteen pounds back, now feck off!"