Hamokhamok

The madam opened the brothel door in Glasgow and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties. "May I help you sir?" she asked. "I want to see Valerie," the man replied. "Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else", said the madam. "No, I must see Valerie," he replied. Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged £5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs... After an hour, the man calmly left. The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row, as she was so expensive. There were no discounts. The price was still £5000. Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs... After an hour, he left. The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs. After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" The man replied, "Edinburgh." "Really", she said. "I have family in Edinburgh." "I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I'm her solicitor. I was instructed to deliver your £15,000 inheritance in person." The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain. 1. Death 2. Taxes 3. Being screwed by a lawyer

A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, You Can Be THE Man of Your House. Finding new courage that he never knew he had, he stormed into the kitchen and announced to his wife, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is the 'Law.' You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, bring it to me, and when I am done eating my meal, you will clear the dishes and serve me a scrumptious dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will make love the way I want! Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will put on soothing music, wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. You will massage my feet and hands to relieve any last bit of tension so that I can sleep like a baby. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?" The wife replied, "The funeral director would be my first guess, unless I have your ass cremated."

*/_Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:_/* *1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.* *2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.* *3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.* *_4. A dog's parents never visit_**.* *5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.* *6. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk..* *7. Dogs like to go hunting and **_fishing._* *8. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"* *9. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.* *10. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.* *11. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.* */And last, but not least:/* *12. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.* *To test this theory: * *Lock your wife and your dog in the garage for an hour. Then open it and see who's happy to see you.*

My Surgery? When I first noticed that my penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, I was delighted, as was my wife. But... After several weeks, my penis had grown fifty centimeters. I Became quite concerned. I was having problems dressing, and even walking. So the wife and I went to see a prominent urologist. After an initial examination, the doctor explained to us that, though rare, my condition (Donkey Doodle) could be fixed through corrective surgery. "How long will he be on crutches?" my wife asked anxiously. "Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor. "Well,"? the wife said coldly, "you're gonna lengthen his legs, aren't you?

A guy walks into a chemist and ask for some Viagra. The lady behind the counter says "We'll need medical proof that you need it" So the guy says "I've got a photo of my wife, Will that do?

ometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment. This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format: Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ? A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers. Q. Where will the government get this money ? A. From taxpayers. Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ? A. Only a smidgen of it. Q. What is the purpose of this payment ? A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy. Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ? A. Shut up. Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.S. economy by spending your stimulus check wisely: * If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China or Sri Lanka .. * If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs. * If you purchase a computer, it will go to India , Taiwan or China . * If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico , Honduras and Guatemala .. * If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea . * If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .. * If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore. Instead, keep the money in America by: 1) Spending it at yard sales, or 2) Going to ball games, or 3) Spending it on prostitutes, or 4) Beer or 5) Tattoos. (These are the only American businesses still operating in the U.S. ) Conclusion: Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day ! No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help.

There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions ~ by descriptions: GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?' BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.' I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking ~ there is No difference in the outcome. (Both result in death.)

As Air Force One arrives at Heathrow Airport, President Obama strides across the tarmac to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen. They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London, where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses. They continue on towards Buckingham Palace, waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; .................... all is going well. Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. The smell is atrocious and both passengers in the carriage must use handkerchiefs over their noses. The fart shakes the coach, but the two dignitaries of State do their best to ignore the incident. The Queen turns to President Obama, " Mr. President, please accept my regrets... I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control." Obama, always trying to be "Presidential," replied: "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought... Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses.

Thanks Kamui works well for me.

Paddy was telling his friend about his first parachute jump. He said"we were at about 20,000 feet and one by one they jumped, it came to my turn, but i couldn't jump, until this huge man pulled out his 12 inch todger" and said"if you don't jump i'm going to ram this right up your Ass" Paddy's friend said "well did you jump" Paddy said" only a little when he first stuck it in"

I've just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days' I told him 'I wish I had your f**king will power' Top tip; if you're camping in the summer and the attractive girl in the next tent tells you that because it's so hot she will be sleeping with her flaps open, it's not necessarily an invitation to casual sex. Wish me luck; I appear in court next Monday. I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today. Apparently the instruction 'finish off on her face' didn't mean what I thought it did. I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "Blacks" and "Paki's" were not the correct answers. A fat girl served me food in McDonald's at lunch time. She said 'sorry about the wait.' I said 'don't worry fatty, you're bound to lose it eventually ' I walked past an abo kid sitting at a Bus Stop as I came out of the Bank. He looked at me and said 'Any Change' I said 'Nope! You’re still Black' Snow in the forecast! The TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself “fat chance with a face like that!†An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man asks ‘What is wrong’?? The boy says ‘Me ma is dead’ ‘Oh bejaysus’ the man says ‘Do you want me to call Father O’Riley for you’?? The boy replies ‘No tanks mister, Sex is the last thing on my mind at the moment’. I have a new pick up line that works every time. It doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner & I always end up in bed with them. Here's how it goes 'Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?' Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best! Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such an immense shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed. I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself ‘I’m having that’ Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland. He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him ‘Where am I’?? The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back ‘Ya canna kid me ya flash bastard. You’re in that feckin basket’. I had a Trivia competition shot to pieces until the last question which I got wrong. The question was “Where do women have the curliest hairâ€?? The answer I should have given was “Fijiâ€

"What do you bring to the table in our relationship?",my wife asked. "My arse" wasn't the response she was looking for.

Recently, Silvio Berlusconi asked all the women in Italy if they would have sex with him. 30% said yes. The other 70% said "What. Again?"

My mate ran the marathon dresssed as an historicall tampon... He didn`t say which period he was from...

Texas preacher A Texas preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family." No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression." Again all was quiet. Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets." The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.' The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?' The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.' The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.' The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!' The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!' ----------------------------------------- Lemon Squeeze There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.' The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.' The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.' The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.' The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?' The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.' --------------------------------------------- Looks of Disappointment A man was just waking up from anaesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute..' The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.' She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?' The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.' -------------------------------------------- Catholic Dog Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead... Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?' Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church.... But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.' Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?' Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic? ----------------------------------------------- Donation Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?' 'It is!' 'This is the IRS. Can you help us?' 'I can!' 'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?' 'I do!' 'Is he a member of your congregation?' 'He is!' 'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?' 'He will.' ------------------------------------------------ Confession An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues: Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.' Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?' Man: 'What sins?' Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?' Man: 'I'm Jewish.' Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?' Man: 'I'm 92 years old ..... I'm telling everybody!' ------------------------------------------------- Brothel Trip An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is. 'I'm 90 years old,' he says. '90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?' 'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?' ---------------------------------------------------- Senility An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile.. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.' 'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.' ----------------------------------------- Pest Control A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company.. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. 'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked. The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.. 'Who are you?' he asked him.. 'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator. 'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.. 'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied. 'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband. The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards!'.. --------------------------------------------- Marriage Humour Wife: 'What are you doing?' Husband: Nothing. Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.' Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.' ------------------------------- Wife : 'Do you want dinner?' Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?' Wife: 'Yes or no.' -------------------------------------------------------- Stress Reliever Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.' Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.' Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.' ------------------------------ Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.' Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.' Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.' ________________________________ A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?' 'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!' ------------------------------------------------------------ A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?' He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humour!'

Air Force Test This will drive you nuts!! Have fun! The object of the game is to move the red block around without getting hit by the blue blocks or touching the black walls. If you can go longer than 18 seconds you are phenomenal. It's been said that the US Air Force uses this for fighter pilots. They are expected to go for at least 2 minutes. Give it a try but be careful...it is addictive http://members.iinet.net.au/~pontipak/redsquare.html

Drafting men over 60 (This is funny and obviously written by a former soldier) I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35. For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy. Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. "My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry." We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it, will make us feel better and shut us up for a while. An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, 'I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch. If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser. Boot camp would be easier for old guys. As most of us are married, we're used to getting screamed and yelled at, and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.. They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training. Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet. An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head. These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way. Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them. How about recruiting women over 50 ....in menopause! You think men have attitudes! Ohhhhhh my goodness, you ain't see nothing yet! If nothing else, put them on border patrol.... They'll have it secured the first night!

A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone." "No more headaches?" The husband asks, ''What happened?" His wife replies, Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat "I do not Have a Headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.." It Worked! The headaches are all gone." The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful." His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of Fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the Hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?" The husband agrees to try it Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." He goes into the Bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes Passionate love to his wife like never before. His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!" The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes back into the bathroom, Comes back and round two was even better than The First time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning. Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the Bathroom, She sees him standing at the mirror and saying, "She's not my Wife. She's Not my wife. She's not my wife..." His funeral service will be held on Friday.

http://www.jokeroo.com/videos/prank/cruel-game-show-prank.html Funny game show prank.

ADVICE FROM A RETIRED HUSBAND:........................... Mary It is important for men to remember that as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman. My name is Roger . Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Mary . When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Mary to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from fishing the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the Pub so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating, but now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed. Another symptom of aging is complaining. I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any -- if you know what I mean. I like to think tact is one of my strong points. When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too. I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Mary . I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other. Signed, Roger EDITOR'S NOTE: Roger died suddenly on February 7 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Shakespere Carp Rod jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife, Mary , was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Roger , somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his Fishing Rod

Russ and Sam, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Russ didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.. But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Russ lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him. A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ, but one day, Sam approached the park and-- lo and behold!--there sat Russ! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, 'For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you?' Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.' 'Jail!' cried Sam. What in the world for?' 'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?' 'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her? 'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled 'guilty'. 'The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.) If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it!) The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. (O.M.G.!) A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In my next life, I want to be a pig.) A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.) (I'm still not over the pig.) Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Don't try this at home ; maybe at work.) The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. (Honey, I'm home . What the...?) The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?) The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?) Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity.) Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.) The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm.......) Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people. (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?) Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (Okay, so that would be a good thing.) A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out.) An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.) Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that, too.) Polar bears are left-handed. (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.) Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig? Do the dolphins know about the pig?)

Paddy is passing by Mick's barn one day when through a gap in the door he sees Eddie doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old red Massey Ferguson. Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right rubber boot, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers . Grabbing both sides of his check shirt he rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap on to a pile of hay. 'What on earth are you doing Mick,' says Paddy 'Jayzuz Paddy, ye frightened the livin' shite out of me' says an obviously embarrassed Eddie. 'Me and the missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the Therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor.'

Three women Eileen, Connie, and Lynda are at a cocktail party. Their talk turns to their position in life, and it's clear that they are trying to one-up each other. Eileen says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks," and then looks at the others with a superior demeanour. Connie says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes," and looks about with considerable pride. Lynda says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have much money and we don't have any material possessions. But thirteen canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on my husband's erect penis." Eileen looks shamefaced and says, "Girls, I've got a confession to make. I was just trying to impress you. We're not really going to the French Riviera. We're going to Henley on Thames for two weeks." Connie says, "Your honesty has shamed me. To be honest, my husband didn't buy me a Mercedes. He bought me a Ford." "Well," Lynda says, "I also have a confession to make. Canary number thirteen has to stand on one leg."