Hamokhamok

Teacher: Little Johnny, can you tell me the name of 3 great kings who have brought happiness and peace into people's lives? Little Johnny answered: Drin-king, smo-king, and fuc-king.

The Talking Centipede A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede, (100-legged bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar with him. So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to the bar with me today? We will have a good time. But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked again, "How about going to the bar with me and have a beer?" But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time. This time he put his face up against the centipede's house and shouted, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to the bar for a beer?" ..... This time, a little voice came out of the box, "I heard you the first time! I'm putting my Fucking shoes on!"

A Russian arrives in London as a new immigrant to the United Kingdom. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. Englander for letting me come into this country, giving me housing, benefits, free medical care and a free education!" The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am a Romanian." The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in Great Britain ." The person says, "I not English, I Chinese." The new arrival walks on a bit further and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand, and says, "Thank you for wonderful England !†That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East . I am not English." He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an English person ?" She says, "No, I am from Africa ." Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the English peoples ?" The African lady checks her watch and says, "Probably at work.â€

Went out last night and got really wasted. I woke up next to a fat bird who was snoring and farting. At least I got home OK!! _____________________ The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a home movie last night and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part. ________________________ I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster. __________________________ My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off. _____________________________ I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night. Or "foreplay" as she likes to call it. ___________________________ After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough….once she killed herself I started to feel a lot better. So I thought…Sod it….soldier on. ___________________________ I woke up this morning at 8 and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. Then I remembered Wetherspoons serve breakfast until 11.30. ___________________________ A man is seeking to join the Glasgow Police force. The Sergeant doing the interview says: "Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted." Then, sliding a pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, he says: "Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit" The man being interviewed asks, "Why the rabbit?" "Great attitude," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?" _____________________________ Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, took me 5 hours to get her off the big wheel. I was at the pub the other night and heard three girls with an overabundance of flesh, talking at the bar. Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?" One of them screeched, "It's WALES, you bloody idiot!" So I apologised and replied, "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?" And...that's the last thing I remember.... ________________________ Scouse miscellany A Liverpool girl goes to the welfare office to register for child benefit. "How many children?" asks the welfare officer. "Ten" replies the Liverpool girl. "Ten?" says the welfare worker, "What are their names?" "Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan and Nathan", "Doesn't that get confusing?" "Naah..." says the Liverpool girl, "It's great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout 'Nathan yer dinner's ready!' or 'Nathan go to bed now!' and they all do it. "What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the curious welfare worker. "That's easy," says the Liverpool girl... "I just use their surnames" A Liverpool girl enters an adult shop and asks for a vibrator. The man says: "Choose one from our range on the wall." She says "I'll take that red one." The man replies: "That's a fire extinguisher." Q. What do you call a 27 year old Liverpool girl? A. Granny. Q. What do you call a Liverpool girl in a white tracksuit? A. The bride. Q. What does a Liverpool girl use as protection during sex? A. A bus shelter. Q. There are two Liverpool girls in a car without any music - who is driving? A. The policeman.. Q. What's the most confusing day in Liverpool ? A. Father's day Q. How do people know Jesus wasn't born in Liverpool ? A. You try finding 3 wise men and a virgin there! A Primary Teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Liverpool fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?' 'Because I'm not a Liverpool fan,' she replied. The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?' 'I am a Chelsea fan, and proud of it,' Mary replied. The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Chelsea fan?' 'Because my mum is a Chelsea fan, and my dad is a Chelsea fan, so I'm a Chelsea fan too!' 'Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason for you to be a Chelsea fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time... What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?' 'Then,' Mary smiled, 'I'd be a Liverpool fan.' An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar. They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner. He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad. They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!' Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint. Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter. Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another. After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: 'My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!' Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock. 'Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's A Miracle.'JesusthenapproachestheScouser who says, 'Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit. AScouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the counter and said 'Hi, I'm looking for a job'. The man behind the counter replied 'Your timing is amazing. We've just got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their overseas holidays. The Salary package is £200,000 a year'. TheScouser said 'You're bullshitting me!' The man behind the counter said 'Well you started it!' Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning when a strange and unusual object was discovered in a car. It later turned out to be a tax disc. Only a Farm Kid... When you're from the country, your perception is a little bit different. A farmer drove to a neighbour's farmhouse and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door "Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer. "No, they went to town." "How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?" "No, he went with Mom and Dad." The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself. "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message", the boy said. "Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant". The boy thought for a moment... "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the pig, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard." Nescafe manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican After receiving the Papal blessing, the Nescafe official whispers 'Your Eminence, we have an offer for you. Nescafe is prepared to donate $100 million to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily coffee'. The Pope responds, 'That is impossible. The prayer is the word of the Lord. It must not be changed'. 'Well,' said the Nescafe man, 'we anticipated your reluctance. For this reason we will increase our offer to $300 million.' 'My son, it is impossible. For the prayer is the word of the Lord and it must not be changed.' The Nescafe guy says, 'Your Holiness, we at Nescafe respect your adherence to the faith, but we do have one final offer…. We will donate $500 million - that's half a billion dollars - to the great Catholic Church if you would only change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily coffee.' Please consider it.' And he leaves. The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals. 'There is some good news,' he announces, 'and some bad news. The good news is that the Church will come into $500 million.' 'And the bad news your Holiness?' asks a Cardinal. 'We're losing the Hovis account

A few to keep you going. Wife comes home early and catches Hubby having a wank in the kitchen. She rushes over and gives him the blow job of his life. Afterwards he says "We haven't had sex for 6 months and suddenly this . . . Why ??" She answers "I only washed the floor this morning. I'd rather clean my teeth than get the fucking mop out again !!" Newlyweds turn up at their hotel and ask for the honeymoon suite. The receptionist asks "Do you have reservations?" Bride says "Well . . . I'm a bit worried about taking it up the arse !!" Paddy caught his Wife having an affair and decided to kill her and himself. He puts the gun to his head, looks at his Wife and says "Don't laugh, your fucking next !!" Woman goes to the Doctors and says "I'm getting too much discharge". Doctor says "Pop your knickers off and slip onto the bed". He puts on his latex gloves and applies 3 fingers into her vagina. "How does that feel?" he asks. "Fucking lovely" she replies "But the discharge is in my ear !" An man wanting to become a Priest went to see the Bishop who said "You must answer 3 questions on the Bible". "1st - Who was born in a stable ?" "Red Rum" he replied "2nd - What do you think of Damascus ?" "It kills 99% of all germs" he replied. "3rd - What happened when the disciples went to Mount Olive ?" "That's easy" he said "Popeye kicked the shit out of them!!". Went out last night dressed to kill . . . Beard, sandals, turban and backpack. Little boy gets home from school and says "Dad, I've got a part in the school play as a man who's been married for 25 years." His Dad replies "Never mind Son. Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part !!" The police came to my front door last night, holding a picture of my wife. They said "Is this your Wife Sir?" Shocked, I answered "Yes!". They said "I'm afraid it looks like she's been in a car accident". I said "I know but she has a lovely personality !" Lost my job as a lifeguard yesterday. Apparently refusing a Muslim entry to the pool whilst tapping the "No bombing" sign isn't the done thing. Man walks into WH Smith and says "Do you have the new self-help book for men with really small dicks ?" Girl says "I don't think it's in yet" He replies "Yeah, that's the one !!"

Sitting on the side of the road waiting to catch speeding drivers, a Massachusetts state trooper sees a car puttering along at 24 mph. He thinks to himself, "This driver is as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car,he notices that there are five elderly ladies - two in the front seat, and three in the back, wide-eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand. I was going the exact speed limit. What seems to be the problem?" The trooper, trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that "24" was the Route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. "But before you go, Ma'am, I have to ask, "is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken." "Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 128."

A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets , BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck, ready to go. "From now on when I say BELL 1 I want you to strip naked. When I say BELL 2 I want you to jump in bed. And when I say BELL 3 We are going to make love all night. " The next night he came home from work and yelled " BELL 1!" The wife promptly took all her clothes off. When he yelled "BELL 2!", the wife jumped into bed. When he yelled "BELL 3!", they began making love. After a few minutes the wife yelled "BELL 4!" "What the hell is BELL 4?" asked the husband? "ROLL OUT MORE HOSE," she replied " YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE."

A Liverpool girl goes to the welfare office to register for child benefit. "How many children?" asks the welfare officer. "Ten" replies the Liverpool girl, "Ten?" says the welfare worker. "What are their names?" "Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan and Nathan" "Doesn't that get confusing?" "Naah..." says the Liverpool girl, "It's great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout 'Nathan yer dinner's ready!' or 'Nathan go to bed now!' and they all do it. "What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the curious welfare worker. "That's easy," says the Liverpool girl... "I just use their surnames" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A Liverpool girl enters an adult shop and asks for a vibrator. The man says: "Choose one from our range on the wall." She says "I'll take that red one." The man replies: "That's a fire extinguisher." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. What do you call a 27 year old Liverpool girl? A. Granny. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. What do you call a Liverpool girl in a white tracksuit? A. The bride. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. What does a Liverpool girl use as protection during sex? A. A bus shelter. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. There are two Liverpool girls in a car without any music - who is driving? A. The policeman.. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. What's the most confusing day in Liverpool ? A. Father's day ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Primary Teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Liverpool fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?' 'Because I'm not a Liverpool fan,' she replied. The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?' 'I am a Newcastle fan, and proud of it,' Mary replied. The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Newcastle fan?' 'Because my mum is a Newcastle fan, and my dad is a Newcastle fan, so I'm a Newcastle fan too!' 'Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason for you to be a Newcastle fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time... What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?' 'Then,' Mary smiled, 'I'd be a Liverpool fan. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A Scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the Counter and said 'Hi, I'm looking for a job'. The man behind the counter replied 'Your timing is amazing’. We've just got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their overseas holidays. The Salary package is £200,000 a year'. The Scouser said 'You're bullshitting me!' The man behind the counter said 'Well you started it!' ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning when a suspicious object was discovered in a car. It later turned out to be a tax disk. -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A guy walks into a tattoo shop and wants a Ferrari tattood on his dick. "cool" says the tattoo artist "ÿour girlfriend will be pleased" "No" replies the guy, "I'm gay, its for my boyfriend" "Then how about I also tattoo a tractor on your balls then ....?" ask the tattoo artist ? "why would that be needed for ?" asks the guy..... "well you'll need it to pull the Ferrari out of the shit".......

They met at the singles club meeting and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other's company. After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Dennis asked Liz out for dinner and, much to his delight, she accepted. They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town. Despite his age, they ended at his place for an after-dinner drink. Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor, Liz soon joined Dennis for a most enjoyable roll in the hay. As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts..... Dennis was thinking: 'If I'd known she was still a virgin, I'd have been gentler.' Liz was thinking: 'If I'd known he could still do it, I'd have taken my tights off '

A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair. Her mom calmly said- "that part where hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair" the girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister-"my monkey has grown hair" Her sister smiled and said-"that's nothing, mine is already eating bananas." Mom fainted.

Husband takes the wife to a disco. There's a guy on the dance floor giving it large - break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the works. The wife turns to her husband and says: "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down." Husband says: "Looks like he's still f***in celebrating!!!

How It Really Happened Some years ago President Clinton was hosting a state dinner when, at the last minute, his regular cook fell ill, and they had to get a replacement on short notice. The fellow arrived and turned out to be a very grubby-looking man named Jon. The President voiced his concerns to his Chief of Staff but was told that this was the best they could do on such short notice. Just before the meal, the President noticed the cook sticking his finger in the soup to taste it and again complained to the Chief Of Staff, but he was told that this man was supposed to be a very good chef. The meal went okay, but the President was sure that the soup tasted a bit funny. By the time dessert came, he was starting to have stomach cramps and nausea. It was getting worse and worse until finally the President had to excuse himself from the dinner to look for the bathroom. Passing through the kitchen, he caught sight of the cook, Jon, scratching his butt, which made him feel even worse. By now, the President was desperately ill with violent cramps and was so disorientated that he couldn't remember which door led to the bathroom. He tried every door in the hallway and was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he finally found a door that opened. As he unzipped his trousers and ran in, he realized to his horror that he had stumbled into Monica Lewinsky's office with his trousers around his knees. The President fell to the floor in pain and as he was just about to pass out, Monica bent over him to listen for a heartbeat and heard the President whisper in a barely audible voice: "Sack my cook."

It's about time Jimmy Savile was left alone. Rod Hull had his hand up a bird for years and nobody said a word.

I went to the Patent Office trying to register some of my inventions. I went to the main desk to sign in and the lady at the desk had a form that had to be filled out. She wrote down my personal info and then asked me what I had invented. I said, "A folding bottle." She said, "Okay, what do you call it?" "A Fottle." "What else do you have?" "I have also invented a folding carton." Again she said "What do you call it?" "A Farton." She sniggered and said, "Those are silly names for products and one of them sounds kind of crude." I was so upset by her comment that I grabbed the form and left the office without even telling her about my folding bucket.

A polite way to call someone a bastard. A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome. They were even after the first two holes. The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?" The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms. The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease. As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80. He confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers. The first fellow then revealed that he was the Parish Priest. The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money. The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings." The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?" The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them.

Thanks for the photos - makes all the difference.

Sex With an Illegal Immigrant An illegal immigrant picks up a hooker in Soho . "Hey, how much you charge for da hour, sister?" he asks. "£100," she replies. In broken English, he says, "Do you do immigrant style?" "No" she says. "I pay you £200 to do immigrant style." "No," she says, not knowing what immigrant style is. "I pay you £300." "No," she says. "I pay you £400." "No," she says. So finally he says, "OK, I pay £1,000 to do immigrant style." She thinks, "Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now. I've had every kind of request from weirdoes from every part of the world. How bad could immigrant style be?" So she agrees and has sex with him. Finally, after several hours, they finish. Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, "Hey, I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. But that was good. So, what exactly is immigrant style?" The illegal immigrant replies, "You send bill to the Government." AND THAT, MY FRIENDLY FELLOW TAXPAYERS, IS EXACTLY HOW THE ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS ARE SCREWING US!

Tax A man who had been called to testify at the Income Tax Department asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper," the accountant replied. Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Don't let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie." Confused, the man went to his priest, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution on the dilemma. "Let me tell you a story," replied the priest. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. 'Wear your most revealing negligee, a nice V-neck.' " Confused, the man asked, "What does all this have to do with my problem with the Income Tax Department?" "Simple," replied the Priest. "It doesn't matter what you wear, you're gonna get screwed anyway."

Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married.... If this does not make you laugh out loud, you have lost your sense of Humour. The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.' I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!' Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a..m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up And cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted Solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed.... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos MIDNIGHT!) The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT'... He didn't seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo Clock.' When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed Three times, then said 'oh shit.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its Throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then Tripped over the coffee table and farted.

TEST YOUR MOUSE: When the test opens, just point your Mouse at any of the three pictures to determine if it's working properly. This is a free public service! http://www.randyhanshaw.com/Humor/HTML/Flashers.htm

One day a teacher was talking about marriage in class... Teacher : What kind of wife would you like Johnny? Johnny : I would want a wife like the moon... Teacher : Wow !! what a choice...do you want her to be beautiful and calm like the moon? Johnny : No, I want her to arrive at night and disappear in the morning..

Would you want to be reminded ?? With winning I think he's f....d her for the last time.

A chicken farmer went to a local bar.... Sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.. The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne,too!' 'What a coincidence' the farmer says. 'This is a special day for me.... I am celebrating' 'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!' says the woman. 'What a coincidence!' says the farmer! As they clinked glasses the man asked, 'What are you celebrating?' 'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!' 'What a coincidence,' says the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.' 'That's great!' says the woman. 'How did your chickens become fertile?' 'I used a different cock,' he replied. The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence.'

SHORT, PITHY & NON-PC The teacher says, "OK class, I'd like you all to tell me what you need at home" Susie says, "We need a computer" Wendy says, "We need a car" Johnny says, "We don't need anything Miss" Teacher says, "Come on Johnny, everyone needs something?" "No Miss, my sister came home with her new Paki boyfriend and my Dad said 'That's all we f---ing need!'" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ My missus asked me to help her stop sucking her thumb, so I drew a penis on it ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I fitted strobe lights in the bedroom. They're brilliant. It makes the wife look like she's actually moving during sex... ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- My wife said that she was leaving me because I always exaggerate. I was so shocked I almost tripped over my penis. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames Barrier in London . Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I went to the doctor's surgery the other day and found out that my new doctor is young female and drop dead gorgeous. I was embarrassed, but she said, "Don't worry, I am a professional - I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll check it out. I said, "My wife thinks that my dick tastes funny" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I was pretty excited when my new girlfriend sent me a text message claiming that she loves anal. Dyslexic bitch , it turns out that she love Alan, my best mate...... ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A bloke is watching a film with creepy organ music on the TV and suddenly yells, "Don't enter that church, you daft t**t !!!" His wife asks him, "What are you watching?" Husband replies, "Our bloody wedding video" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Love is like a fart. If you have to force it, it's probably shit. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Essex girl in bed with her boyfriend says, "How dare you call me a slapper. Get out of my bed right now and take your mates with you!" --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Life is like a penis. Soft and hanging freely. It's women that make it hard ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I was getting chatted up by a bird last night. She said, "Have you got a nickname?" "Yes" I said, "They call me Sledge" "OH... Is that because you a sleek and fast?" she giggled "No...... It's because I get pulled by dogs!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Just seen a Dyslexic Yorkshireman wearing a cat flap!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I said to the wife, "Get me a newspaper" "Don't be silly," she said "You can borrow my iPad" That spider never knew what f******g hit it. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- The 200 Polish fans arrested after yesterday's game have been found guilty of violent disorder and been deported back to England ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- The wife and I were lying in bed this morning when she said, "I think the romance in this relationship is dead" I wish she wouldn't talk to me while I'm having a wank. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A big row has broken out in the Irish Olympic Synchronised Diving Team after Paddy accused Mick of copying him. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I bought a new perfume for my wife called Chloroform but she says she doesn't like it. She says that it makes her sleepy and her bum sore.