The_Munchmaster

Quite right Teddy, you can't have the punchline before the end of the joke. What the feck is Mekong on about (apart from the obvious mistake in that particular line of the joke)?

I'm sure Teddy posted this one some time ago. Q: What's the difference between a Scotsman and a Rolling Stone? A: A Rolling Stone says "hey you, get off of my cloud!", while a Scotsman says "Hey McLeod, get off of my ewe!"

Jock was returning home from the pub, smelling like a distillery. He flopped on a bus seat next to a priest. His tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of whiskey was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. Then he turned to the priest and asked him, "Father, what causes arthritis?" "Well my son, it's the result of loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much whisky and a contempt for your fellow man." "Well I'll be damned!" Jock muttered, returning to his paper. The priest, feeling a little guilty, said, "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to upset you. How long have you had arthritis?" "I don't, Father. But I was just reading here that the Pope does.

Jock finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial problems. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. "God, please help me. Ah've lost ma wee store and if Ah dinna get some money, Ah'm going to lose my hoose too. Please let me win the lottery!" Lottery night! Someone else wins. Jock prays again. "God, please let me win the lottery! Ah've lost my wee store, ma hoose and Ah'm going to lose ma car as weel!" Lottery night again! Still no luck. Jock prays again. "Dear God, Ah've lost ma business, ma hoose and ma car. Ma bairns are starving. Ah dinna often ask Ye for help and Ah have always been a good servant to Ye. PLEASE just let me win the lottery this one time so Ah can get back on ma feet!" Suddenly there is a blinding flash as the heavens open and the voice of God Himself thunders down: "Jock at least meet Me half way ..... and buy a ticket!"

Aaaah, so you consider yourselves to be, "poor Aussies".

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting they began to wonder if they could possibly get married in Heaven? So when St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in heaven. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left. The couple sat and waited for an answer.....for a couple of months and while they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. "What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together FOREVER?" Another month passed and St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You CAN get married in Heaven." "Great!" they said, "But we were also wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "OH, COME ON!!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?"

A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers." He calls the number. The bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull dog. "What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks. "I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, and then Iâ??m going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this Baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to clamp his jaws on to the bears groin area and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for Me to put it in the cage in the back of the van." He hands the shotgun to the homeowner. What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner. "If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

The scene is set, the night is cold, the campfire is burning and the stars twinkle in the dark night sky... Three hang-glider pilots, one from Australia, one from South Africa and the other from New Zealand, are sitting round a campfire near Ayers Rock, each embroiled with the bravado for which they are famous. A night of tall tales begins.... Kiven, the kiwi says, "I must be the meanest, toughest heng glider dude there us. Why, just the other day, I linded in a field and scared a crocodile thet got loose from the swamp. Et ate sux men before I wrestled ut to the ground weth my bare hends end beat ut's bliddy 'ed un. Jerry from South Africa typically can't stand to be bettered. "Well you guys, I lended orfter a 200 mile flight on a tiny treck, ind a fifteen foot Namibian desert snike slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grebbed thet borsted with my bare hinds and tore it's head orf ind sucked the poison down in one gulp. Ind I'm still here today". Barry the Aussie remained silent, slowly poking the fire with his penis.

Why wasn't Jesus born in Sydney? They couldnt find three wise men and a virgin.

An Italian, a Frenchman and an Australian are talking about sex. The Italian says, "When i have finished making love to my girl, she levitates six inches from the bed." The Frenchman says, "That's nothing! After 6 hours of continuous love making to my girl, she levitates 3 feet off the bed!" The Australian says: "Streuth mate, when I've finished 'rooting' me Sheila, I get off the bed, wipe me cock on the curtains...and she goes through the fucking roof!!"

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for Six days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made." Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?" "It's a planet, replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance". "Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot." "Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people" God continued, pointing to different countries. "And over there, I call this place America. North America will be rich and powerful and cold, while South America will be poor, and hot and friendly. And the little spot in the middle is Central America which is a Hot spot. Can you see the balance?" "Yes" said the Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then he pointed to a smallish land mass and asked, "What's that one?" "Ah" said God. "That's New Zealand, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, rainforests, rivers, streams and an exquisite coast line. The people are good looking, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them citizens who are super-human, undefeatable and strong in character who will be admired and feared by all who come across them". Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then exclaimed, "You said there will be BALANCE!" God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the buggers I'm putting next to them".

An Englishman wanted to become an Irishman, so he visited a doctor to find out how to go about this. "Well", said the doctor, "this is a very delicate operation and there is a lot that can go wrong. I will have to remove half your brain". "That's OK", said the Englishman. "I've always wanted to be Irish and I'm prepared to take the risk". The operation went ahead but the Englishman woke to find a look of horror on the face of the doctor. "I'm so terribly sorry!!", the doctor said. "Instead of removing half your brain, I've taken your whole brain out". The patient replied, "No worries, mate!!"

Q: What do you call an Australian with a sheep under one arm and a kiwi under the other? A: Bisexual

Q: What do you call an Australian with a sheep under one arm and a goat under the other? A: Bisexual

A mortitian arrived at work one morning and was approached by his assistant. "Anything interesting happen over-night", he asked. "Yes", replied the assistant, "The most gorgeous 18 year-old blond came in last night. Dead of course." "What was the cause of death", enquired the mortition. "I'm not sure", replied the assistant. "But she's got a Prawn stuck up her cunt!" "Are you sure?", said the mortitian. "Yes, come and have a look for yourself", said the assistant, opening the body bag. The mortitian closely examined the beautifuly trimmed snatch. "That's not a prawn you stupid wanker", he responded, "That's her clitoris." "Are you sure?", said the assisitant, "'Cuz it certainly tasted like a prawn".

Wabbit A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks "Excuthe me. Do you have any widdle wabbits?" As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and he asks "Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft and futhy bwack wabbit or, maybe, one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?" She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and whispers .................... "I don't fink my pet pyfon weally gives a phuk!"

A young feller is brought home to meet the folks. His girl greets him at the door and says, "I'm sorry, I'm running late. Please come in and I'll introduce you to my folks. And I, uhh, forgot to tell you, they're both deaf mutes." With this she ushers him into the living room, introduces him to her parents and promptly disappears. As you can imagine this is a little uncomfortable as both of the parents are completely silent. Dad is sitting in his arm chair watching golf on TV, and Mom is busy knitting. After about ten minutes of complete silence, Mom jumps from her chair, pulls up her skirt, pulls down her panties, and pours a glass of water over her ass. Just as suddenly, Dad launches himself across the room, bends her over the couch, and takes her from behind. He then sits back down in his chair and balances a match stick in front of his eye. The room is plunged back into eerie silence and the young man is shocked into disbelief. After a further ten minutes, the daughter returns fully dressed and ready for the evening. The date is a complete disaster with the young man completely distracted by the on goings earlier in the living room. At the end of the night, the girl asks, "What's the matter? Have I done something wrong?" "No, it's not you," he replied, "It's just that the strangest thing happened while I was waiting for you and I am still a bit shocked. Well, first your Mother jumps from her chair, lifts up her skirt, pulls down her p*anties, and throws a glass of water over her behind. "Then, as if that weren't enough, your Father races from his chair, leans her over the couch and does her from behind. He then sits back down and places a match stick by his eye." "Oh, is that all?" replies the girl. The man can't believe her casual response. The girl explains. "Mom was simply saying, 'Are you going to get this asshole a drink?' and Dad was replying, 'No, fuck him - I'm watching the match.

No chance.

TB, all Scotlands old trophies are made of silver but the more recent ones are made of gold which of course wouldn't interest a silver expert.

A tourist arrived in Australia, hired a car and set off for the outback. On his way he saw a bloke having sex with a sheep. Deeply horrified, he pulled up at the nearest pub and ordered a straight Scotch. Just as he was about to throw it back, he saw a bloke with one leg masturbating furiously at the bar. "What the hell!" the tourist cried, "what the hell's going on here? I've been here one hour and I've seen a bloke shagging a sheep, and now some bloke's wanking himself off in the bar!" "Fair dinkum, mate," the bartender told him, "you can't expect a man with only one leg to catch a sheep"

DUCT TAPE Contrary to popular opinion it IS NOT good for fixing everything. Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong. "Well," replies Paul, "You know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?" "Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh. "Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed." "That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?" "I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show. "Sensible" says Jeff. "So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw." "And what happened then?" (Paul slumps back over the bar again.) "I kicked her in the face."

You probably have to be an Aussie to get this one. Two Aussie cattle drovers standing in an Outback bar. One asked, "What are you up to, Mate?" The other one replied, "Ahh, I'm takin' a mob of 6000 from Goondiwindi to Gympie." "Oh yeah ... and what route are you takin'?" "Ah, probably the Missus; after all, she stuck by me durin' the drought."

I'm quite sure if you had tested positive you would have been totally devastated.

A battle weary American soldier boarded a crowded train in in London during the early days of post-WWII, only to discover he was unable to find a place to sit. As he walked the length of the train, he noticed a small white dog curled up on one of the seats. A large, well dressed woman sat in the seat next to the dog. The man hovered near the seat, hoping the woman would take the hint, but she pointedly ignored him. "Excuse me, Ma'am," the soldier finally spoke, "Is this your dog? Would you mind holding it on your lap so that I may sit down?" The woman raised her icy gaze to the young man and said in a haughty British accent, "oh! You Americans. You are so rude. Fluffy is in that seat, and i see no reason why she should give up her comfort for you." The exhausted soldier nodded, picked up the small dog ... leaned over ... opened the window of the moving train and tossed the dog out. The woman gaped and spluttered in horrified indignation, and the man sitting across from her lowered his newspaper. "You Americans", he said, "You drive on the wrong side of the road ... you eat with the wrong fork ... and you just threw the wrong bitch out the window."

A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The bus seats are uncomfortable. The food is terrible. It's too hot. It's too cold. The accommodations are awful. The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. "Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone,"the guide said. "Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow." "We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss the stupid stone." "Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune." "And I suppose you've kissed the stone?" the woman scoffed. "No, ma'am," the frustrated guide said, "but I've sat on it."