Entry No.9

[khunsanuk]

Letters from Big Bill

 

Letter no 1

 

Jeff the Landlord

The Wheatsheaf

Romford

 

 

Dear Jeff

 

I?m having a fantastic time in Thailand. I know you said I?d be better waiting until you and the lads came along, but I thought fuck it I?ll go by myself.

At first it was a bit like when I went on that stag do and you warned me not to go because the guys would be a lot smarter than me so I should be careful and they ended up tying me to a lamppost naked instead of the groom.

With the 5 grand redundancy from the slaughterhouse I got a ticket from London and a load of travelers checks. It was a good job I checked in early because they said I was at the wrong airport and I had to go all the way to Gatwick from Heathrow.

I never knew that the beer was free on them planes so the litre of whiskey I?d bought wasn?t really needed but I drunk it anyway.

When I got to Dubai it took me ages to find the bar and I had a drink and nearly missed the plane because when they kept calling for me they used my last name and I ain?t used to being called by it and when I got on the plane they looked at me like I was a idiot or something.

When we got to Thailand I couldn?t believe how small all the birds are fucking half my size and I asked the taxi to take me to that Nana Piazza place you always talk about but the driver couldn?t speak a fucking word of English, cunt. So I said I wanna go in Nana and he dropped me off at some place called the Nana Inn.

I was expecting loads of birds but it was just a fuckin hotel which was handy cos I needed a place to stay. So I asked the bird at the desk for somewhere to stay.

She said you want loom. I said do I look like I?m here to be a weaver I want a fucking bed.

OK you want loom.

They must be fucking thick or something here I tell you. So I starts arguing and then this bloke tries to nick my bag dunnie and I follows him but he smiled at me, pointed at some room he?d put it in and said you can stay here.

Well the bird looked at my passport and made me sign a few travelers checks for her and I went out on the piss.

I kept looking for Nana Piazza and all them birds are too small for my liking so I went in the Nana Plaza instead which must be similar.

I found this bar called Pharoes an sat down but all the birds looked at me like I was daft and I was hot and thirsty and needed a drink so rung the bell to get some attention and everyone started smiling at me.

Then this bird comes up and she says Soda Cup, I said I don?t want a fucking Soda I wanna beer.

Then she tries to get my wallet offa me. Which I wasn?t happy about. I said get the manager and said this birds trying to steal off me. And she spoke this funny language to this bird and said summink about her trying to unzip my coat because it?s hot. Well you know me Jeff I don?t take my bubble coat off for no one. Not even in a curry house.

Then I went to go to the next bar and she said no wait and came back with a bit of paper and you ring bell big bill. I said fuck me how me how do you know my name. They must be telescopic or something. So she showed a bit of paper with some numbers on it and said 5000 Bart.

I said fucking ell Marge I ain?t in the Simpsons you were right with Bill.

But she said money for drinks and I showed her my wallet and she said I had to go and cash a check.

When I did that I went to the next bar I rang the bell again to get the attention of the barmaid and she knew my name was Big Bill again.

I thought you said it was cheap out here but it?s costing me a £100 travel check every pint.

So I went in loads of bars there?s all these dead small Chinky birds after me which I don?t like then I found a bar called Bossonova or summink and the birds there are a bit taller with a bit bigger tits.

Then this bird comes and starts talking to me when I rung the bell and told me she was Cateye I think its cos she had eyes like a cat.

She asked me where I was going and I said I didn?t know so she said you go go samui and she said she?d take me so we left the bar and I was walking out smiling cos I aint add a bird in years.

Then this blokes starts smiling and laughing at me and he knew her name.

So I said what you laughing at.

He said I like seeing blithe Englishmen and I chinned him and said if you?re gonna insult me use words I understand.

Anyway me and Cateye got in a taxi and I told the driver to take us to the bar called Go Go Samui and he was thick cos he didn?t know. Imagine that a taxi driver without the knowledge.

Anyway he took us someplace and I had to change another check cos he thought I was Bart Simpson again and wanted 5000 notes.

Well Cateye took us a few bars where it wasn?t expensive and I didn?t have to ring the bell to get served.

Then she said I want fuck you. So I did.

The next day she said she wanted to go to that Go Go Samui bar we had to buy tickets. Well it must be a good bar if you need to buy tickets. So she took us in a travel shop and spoke that funny language to the woman and I said I want to go to Go Go Samui and she looked at me and Cateye said I was going to Lamai which must be the town it?s in.

And the bird said you get aeroplane or bus.

So I said I?ll go by Jet.

So the bird said you want 7 ticket for go go Samui and I asked her if it was the same price as one ticket.

She said one ticket 7 ticket all same price. Which must be a special offer so I got 7 which was a lot of travel checks.

Then Cateye said you want go Phuket.

I said Phuket, fuck it book it. By Jet again.

Anyway I got my 7 tickets for Lamai and 7 tickets for Phuket and Cateye said wait outside and I could see the bird giving Cateye a load of cash which she must have owed her for summat and she said to wait for her at he airport cos she needed to get her bag.

So I?m off on a Jet to Lamai to go in this Go Go Samui bar so I thought I?d write you a letter to say thanks to putting us onto this Thailand lark.

 

 

Cheers

 

 

Big Bill

 

 

 

 

Letter 2

 

 

Jeff the Landlord

The Wheatsheaf

Romford.

 

 

Jeff,

 

Help. I?m in the shit. I?ll tell you what happened.

Cateye never turned up to get the plane to Lamai which is apparently an Island.

The plane wasn?t a Jet it had a propelor but the food was free.

When I got to Lamai Island there isn?t a bar called Go Go Samui.

I stayed in this apartment which is like the shed at the slaughter house without the dead animals or blokes taking the piss out of me for being so tall, only divided into little flats.

The bloke who owned it wanted to sell me a loom but you have to explain to the people that you want a place to stay. Must be big business making cloth.

Anyway the checks were running low so I thought I had six more plane tickets left and a few for phuket and the meals are free on the plane and I was hungry so got on another plane for the sandwhich and came straight back so had two sandwiches for my tea.

Then went out on the piss.

Some guy asked me if I wanted some Ganja and sold me some and I went to the bar.

All the birds are dead small again like in Bangcock but I found another tall one and she was called Cateye again.

We had a drink and she said she wanted to see my loom. So I thought fuck it I?ll take her to my apartment pretend someones nicked my loom and she might feel sorry for me and shag me.

When we got there she said before fucking you have shower, so she wasn?t that bothered about weaving anyway and I had a shower.

Then she went into the shower and was there for ages

When she came back she had a towel round her and started sucking my Tilbury Dock and I wanted to fuck her so pulled of the towel and she had a Tilbury Dock as well.

I felt sick but Cateye number 2 said I had to give her money. So I told her to fuck off and she started hitting me and scratching me with her nails. So I grabbed her to stop and we started rolling round the room and she pushed me into the wall only it was thin and we went into the next room.

There was a Swedish couple in bed and they got a shock when me and Cateye 2 both naked starts fighting in their bedroom.

After a bit the Police came and you told me they were dodgy so I offered them some off my puff to make them go away.

The main policeman smiled and invited me to the zoo. He asked if I wanted to see the Monkey House which was nice so I put my clothes on and went with them. Only they?d tricked me and put me in a cage and said you monkey now and started laughing.

I need a lot of money to get out and with all the tickets to Phuket and Go Go Bar Samui and all the drinks in that Nana I ain?t no money and they won?t accept the tickets for cash.

If you bail me out I?ll have a word with the lads at the slaughter house and get you a few sides of beef.

 

I know you can help.

 

Big Bill

 

[khunsanuk]

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