I Barfined my Barber and Other Oddities ? Part 1

[UAL875]

Why couldn?t Roppongi-san accumulate his frequent flier points with a Star Alliance carrier? Fucking Northwest is the last plane to land at Don Muang from Tokyo. But I am the trooper and wait out his arrival even though it is almost midnight. The Royal President had a car waiting for us so we are in our suites by 12:30. Unpack my socks and favorite cheeses, hit the crapper, drop an impeccable lawn cigar, shower and head out. Walk the rather unusually quiet Sukhumvit, enter Nana, and go straight to Rainbow 2. There?s enough Japanese experience between the two of us so we are brimming with confidence. What we find is a fairly empty bar, a bevy of underaged-looking gals ? hardly any I would rate above a ?6? ? and some very fucking loud music. Very loud. Bam!! ? UAL gets a headache. Gotta get out of there. Go to Angelwitch ? haha 1:30AM ? if there were any stunners working, they had been lapped up ions ago. The remaining lot was bopping and chattering like monkeys falling from the trees, so to speak. No one worth barfining here and 2AM hits ? lights on, tables cleared, and tabs paid. In an eye blink. Next stop, a walk on the Suk but first we must check out the exodus from NEP. We should have pulled from the masses but were still a bit punch drunk from the flights and decided to look elsewhere for adventure.

 

The hunger pangs set in so we entertain ourselves by chowing down. A mama-san from a Suk satay stand sets us a table after we are pitched with this dandy: ?We have food, we have beer, we have lady?. What more could you ask for from a street vendor? Never heard that on Aoyama Dori in Tokyo. Start flirting with the table of four girls across the way and summon two over. Realize that neither was to our liking so Roppongi chases them away. (?Tonight too tired to boom-boom? ? his hint which worked quite well). They linger away and their table is now occupied by three cuter gals. In fact, one could be categorized a stunner. C?mon down ladies. They join us and Roppongi starts chatting up the hottie. However, the other cute one that I was eyeing negotiates on hottie?s behalf. ?2,000 baht.? ?1,000 baht.? ?Ok.? Nice negotiation ? offer, counteroffer, acceptance. ?You stay until tomorrow afternoon.? ?No I have school tomorrow.? ?School? For what?? ?Hair cut.? Roppongi offers up his dreadlocks for educational purposes but is refused. Still, we are looking good as we are making progress albeit not all on our terms. So the cute one then starts pawning off her other friend (not as hot) to me. ?I don?t like her ? I like you?. ?I can not go ? you go with my friend?? ?No I like you. Why don?t you go with me?? ? after all being a good-looking guy should count for something, right? Yeah, right, it counts. Maybe in Tokyo but not here, not tonight. Her reply ? ?I have baby stomach.? What the fuck??? Pregnant and pimping!!! Four mosquitoes enter my gaping maw which remained opened for about 40 seconds. Camaraderie kicks in and the girls are told to ?fuck off? by my wingman.

 

We spend the remaining hour eating delicious satays and focusing on the filthy canines, the ?soi-sniffers?, skulking about. Christ almighty, some of these fuckers are mangy. Except for one -- Most Hansum Dog. Obviously new to the scene. Terrific gait, head and tail held high, no fur missing, and big balls swaying in the night. Cocky motherfucker. Anyway, sixty minutes of beer and satay later and ? Yelp! He is hansum no more. Hit by something ? tuk-tuk, bike, who knows? That newbie canine is new no more. Shame really. Well not really ? fuck him. We weren?t getting laid so some dog dropping down a notch or two on the food chain was not our problem.

 

Walk back to the hotel and are approached by some scary freelancers and encounter some even scarier rats. The size of small alligators. Jeez, SARS and terrorism hasn?t slowed the vermin down a notch. Decide to catch some shuteye knowing that tomorrow has got to be better.

 

Oh shit, I forgot about the flight over. How could I leave this out? So I am on my namesake 777 and it is loaded with high school kids. I am getting old because none of these kids looks the least bit cool to me. Dorks galore. But the guy sitting next to me ? ouch. 17 year (US) Navy vet who works on ?Turrr-byne in-jins? who is ?going to pah-rah-dice? (Pattaya). And how could pah-rah-dice be even better? He has his six-pack and Thai honey waiting for him at the airport. Cooooooool. Guy drank like 7 beers and 6 wines on the six-hour flight ? not one intelligent word out of him. You know what I?m saying? (His suffix line to anything he said) Not one. One. O-N-E. And upon landing (which he prayed through by the way) he turns to all the kids getting ready to deplane and (I am not making this up) says: ?Where the fuck all you guys from?? ?Seattle? ?Is this like a fucking field trip or something?? Kids are really good at smelling out a loser ?Yeah we are on, like a field trip or something, you know see the world, learn about different cultures? (and I am thinking they are looking at this guy and trying to figure out when he started walking upright). ?That?s cool, I did not start seeing the world until I joined the Navy. 17 years ago?. ?Wow that?s great? (heavy sarcasm, kids are dynamite sometimes). ?What do you do?? ? I fix turrr-byne in-jins? followed by some technical bullshit. ?You kids should fucking go to Pattaya ? that is pah-rah-dice?. Unreal. Mothers Against Drunk Fliers unite. Fortunately, I was able to vaporize myself and exit the plane through the ventilation system, disconnecting myself from this asshole. Turrr-byne in-jins. Sheesh.

 

[jp1]

Hi UAL,

 

 

thanks for the trip report. So far not sooo eventful for you and Roppongi?? I hope you didn't suffer too much from the Turrr-byne in-jins syndrome. :: I'll be in BKK on the 29th again. Could meet you guys on July 1st (evening). Enjoy your vacation. ::

 

 

[Guest]

Now I do not take the beer.

 

Vitamin Sandwich time. :neener: