TomYumLing Posted September 20, 2005 Report Share Posted September 20, 2005 I'm new to this forum, but am well versed in much of the lore of dating an exTBG...However, I haven't seen much in the ways of this topic addressed. I'll explain by quickly outlining the scenario... I've been living with my thai girlfriend for almost 11 months now...She's an exBG, and is presumeably trustworthy for important issues. Over the past year it has become apparent that she is the dead beat parents money ticket. Youngest of 3, she and her sisters were abandoned at age 3,4+7 and was raised by her grandparents, and when she hit 15 years old, finished M3, and headed to bangkok to start earning money. It was at this point that the mom+dad showed up again. The Mom was in the ether, and the dad was off drunk with a second wife and having more kids. While in bangkok she worked a little, and had some supposedly rich thai boyfriends and all the while sent money back home to her parents + grandmother. She supposedly always sent more than her other sisters. It was when she turned 19 that her mom suggested she go work in phuket at her neices bar...Her mom new what she'd be doing and encouraged it. So allegedly, she's only been in the business for just over a year before I met her and started living with her away from the business. We've been together almost everyday since. Over the year, theres been numerous requests for money from the parents. I've watched the other 2 sisters as well when these requests come in. Usually they're to my GF only. But sometimes they're a generic request. 1 sister gives nothing...ever. The other gives a little...runs off, pawns a gold necklace or ring and sends the money. She's married to a thai with a good job (20-30k/month income), but supposedly a lot of "nee" as well so no money...ever, but they never ask me/us for money. I'd estimate that over the last year, my GF's good sister has coughed up about 10k-15k. I'd estimate I've coughed up in excess of 50k...possible ranging as high as 80k. I stopped keeping track at one point. The requests go like this: They phone, say they borrowed money before to build a floor/stairs/bathroom/etc...in the house...they now need to pay it back in a couple days. Send the money. My girlfriend would give, but say that they can't do this...make nee then ask for money to pay it back. If they needed money, they should ask first...don't go borrow it. The parents always say ok. But then, sure as shit, next month theres a new NEE needing payment. Again the talk...again the bullshit. Next month...repeat. This has gone on and on now. At first the sum was big...25k. But after that it was almost a nickle and diming affect...1000 here, 1500 there, 5000 here, 2000 here, 3000 here, 500 here, 800 here, 2000 here, etc...etc... The most recent has been 6000. The mommy phones the other sister and tells her about the NEE. The sister tells my GF...and they talk about how crappy it is their mom only wants money and won't stop borrowing etc...etc... Then the next day, mommy phones other sister and says to her not to worry, My GF has told her she would pay. So Mai Bpen Rai. My GF is angry at that...but in the end finally agrees to pay (sells my 'gift' of a gold bracelet...) After paying, she finds out that an aunt from the US has already paid that NEE for them...! She tells her father about this, and he gets angry at her...saying she no good and its like he has no daughter because no one take care him. So she's telling me that she wants to ditch her phone and not talk to them again...well, occasionally, but not let them be able to call her. Thinking that might prevent them from asking for more money. So..in summary, I think that the parents are taking the piss out of her and me. They new + encouraged her to work in the 'business' as it afforded them a comfortable lifestyle back in the village. Now that she's out, and wants to lead a normal life with me, she's getting hit up for a lot of money like its nothing to her. So the advice I need + discussion I want to stimulate is: how can I convince her of what her parents are doing. That they never gave a crap about her until she was of money making age. They don't really love her because if they did, they wouldn't have let her work where she did for the money. I realize family is important here. She's said many times 'what can I do...they're still my mom/dad'. I realize to stop helping them is a loss of face...but for the love of god, they're taking the piss out of her and by proxy, me. Any advice? Thoughts? TomYumLing ps. This forum is great... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
whosyourdaddy Posted September 20, 2005 Report Share Posted September 20, 2005 They phone, say they borrowed money before to build a floor/stairs/bathroom/etc...in the house...they now need to pay it back in a couple days. This is a load of shit. A contractor would never fit the bill upfront. Usuallyyou would pay 1/3 at the biginning, 1/3 at the half way mark and 1/3 upon completion. Plus they would have to supply most of the tiles, tub, sink, toilet etc. It has nothing to do with her mother asking for the money, it has more to do that you are paying. The entire family sees you as an ATM if you want my opinion. Either accept the fact that she is constantly asking YOU for money or move on Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
limbo Posted September 21, 2005 Report Share Posted September 21, 2005 Agree with WYD on this, it's up to your girl to pull the plug. She can make the decision and tell them they won't get any money again or not. It's also up to you, do you mind, guess so, otherwise you wouldn't be posting here. So sit down with your girl and explain to her that you don't want to support her family in this way. Maybe you can think of other ways to support them, not necessarily with money. To me they sound like leeches. Did you ever meet them? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CaptainPike Posted September 21, 2005 Report Share Posted September 21, 2005 How can Tom support them with something other than money. Tell them repeatedly what great folks they are? Puhleeeez. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
limbo Posted September 21, 2005 Report Share Posted September 21, 2005 No, this is not what I meant. Maybe make a small investment in a small bussiness for them (fish breeding, rice planting, you name it) and they need to make something of it themselves, they f*** it up, tough shit. But y do you bother brother Pike, she'll go back to the bar anyway. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThaiHome Posted September 21, 2005 Report Share Posted September 21, 2005 TomYumLing said:I realize family is important here. She's said many times 'what can I do...they're still my mom/dad'. I realize to stop helping them is a loss of face...but for the love of god, they're taking the piss out of her and by proxy, me. Any advice? Thoughts? There is no doubt that her parents are just out to get what they can out their daughter. But that is not the issue nor in you're or your GF's control. You have to decide if it worth to either end the relationship or cause your GF to lose her family, all over about $2,000 a year. What would you do if the roles were reversed? TH Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jasmine Posted September 21, 2005 Report Share Posted September 21, 2005 Hi, All the Thais I have met, noone can be nore grateful :: than the women from Isaan. This is the quality I admire but some have awful parents like this one you posted. I would work with her until she sees that these parents never care about her. If she feels that she must give for her peace of mind, just let her buy food or neccessities. I had many friends who had baby sitters, cooks or house maids from Isaan and many stories are told. One that I could remember was about a father who showed up every few months to take in advance his daughter's salaries. One day after a few years of the BS, the daughter refused, my friend said that he just stood outside the fence cussing her all night. Next day a police was called and he was escorted to jail. The woman was really upset and she told her boss (my friend) that she prayed that her next life she would not be born his daughter. What my friend did was helped this woman built a little house for the father, no other support, just a stipend for food for years until he died. Without that the woman would have felt guilty all her life. I have a good family but I do buy big items without being asked, yes I can afford a car and many other things and I give, no one ever asked me, my mother and brother complain that I spent too much money, they worry about what Hubby thinks even though this is my own career's earnings. I have 2 Thai GF in Germany, they are sisters, a physician and a translator whose parents were filthy rich and they wanted to do things for parents for it is our belief that we should. A few years ago, they could repaire the house and put in a new fence for the parents' house, they were so delighted that I thought they won a lottery. Their parents are all dead now, and the women start looking for other parents to give money to. So now they donate a bit to the Old Folk Home in BKK. I hope this post helps you understand a little what parents are to Thais. Jasmine Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pattaya127 Posted September 21, 2005 Report Share Posted September 21, 2005 It has nothing to do with her mother asking for the money, it has more to do that you are paying --------------------------------------- That's as much hitting it on the nail as can be. It takes 3, parents/family, girl and farang. Some details were not worked out at the onset of the RS, and he gave them enough rope to hang him. Whatever his decision now, his girl will be in the middle, fending off 2 sides with largely different interests. If she has some character, and given she lives with him, not them, quite far now, Mom and Dad may learn to live on a bit less bahts than usual. I am sure they can manage.... :: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lembeh Posted September 21, 2005 Report Share Posted September 21, 2005 Sadly you do have a problem. The family (mother) will NOT go away, and you will only stress things out a lot if you push your g/f to sever ties. She may *say* that, but Thai daughters can be incredibly filial, despite *everything* that we would think would sever ties (such as knowing/encouraging her to go off for a life on the game). The parents know what the daughters are doing, the daughters *know* the parents know and so on, but everybody pretends its not happening. The fact that the mother dissapeared until she was of "money earning age" really will have nothing do do with it: Its her *mother*. If the girlfriend cuts things off, OK thats kinda up to her (but in my opinion unlikley). To the mother, I suppose the daughter is still "working" (one farang, many farang same same), so I do not think she will stop hitting you up for cash. I would suggest (and probably be derided for it, but WGAF as they say!), to come to an "arrangement". Offer a deal of, say 1,500 baht per month to help out : and thats IT. Anything else is NO. Debts comming due? save the cash from each month. Of course, they will f*ck it up, and still want extra, but at this point you can be firm. You have done your bit, and the next installement will be along in another 30 days. It works out to about 18K a year, less than the 80K you have dumped so far, and it *might* be worth the investement to stave off years of wrangling (which will eventually blow back to you and your g/f). OK. Now 25 posters will tell you why I am completely wrong... -j- Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TomYumLing Posted September 21, 2005 Author Report Share Posted September 21, 2005 You've all made some interesting points. Regarding them borrowing up front and then building some new add-on to their house...to date they've done it in several ways. They've given their house deed to various neighbors who then later call in the debt...so gotta pay back or lose the house. They've just borrowed money on the family 'name' with neighbors (after the children took the house deed from the parents to prevent this type of borrowing). Now, this latests 6k comes from another source maybe others can shed some light on...supposedly the thaksin gov. has some sort of interest free loan program. So 2 years ago...mommy borrowed 3k from this loan program. A year later, she made the OTHER daughter cough up 3k to pay it back...she paid it back, took 6k right away from the same fund...paid her daughter back...ad then did who knows what with the other 3k. Anyway...this debt was supposedly due sept 20...or there abouts...anyone know about any such interest free loan fund for poor issan farmers? The help via a business or some other money making venture is interesting...I'd be hesistant to do it out of fear of them lazing about and doing nothing about it...The idea that if they mess it up, tough on them doesn't really stand..just puts us back to them asking for money and me/her needing to give or not. The 1500baht/month suggestion is possible...If she had a real job she couldn't manage more than that...but my guess is there would still be other payment requests...but I might be overly negative. **update** - she phoned her family after coughing up the money...and turns out, her aunt from the states has been sending 3-4k/month to her family (which they didn't tell her about) and she also sent 6k to cover this other debt. her aunt back in the village told my GF to just stop sending money and not give them a chance to call her. Thats what she's saying she's going to do now. We'll have to see... Ironically, she's being treated similar to the way some bar girls treat their overseas sponsors/bf's. Not telling her about their other 'sponors',lieing about debts, pretending to love her, etc... Interesting analogy? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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