Sir Bob: 'it Was Chain-Smoking Mice'

[Coss]

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{ note: Sire Bob is a conservative fellow of some wit and intelligence, hailing from NZ }

 

 

Homosexual, wine-swilling, chain-smoking mice are apparently to blame for a second-hand smoke problem in Sir Robert Jones' Wellington offices.

 

 

A lawyer working on the fifth floor of Sybase House complained in an email to Sir Robert's staff of tobacco smoke "wafting into my office" from elsewhere in the building and asked whether it was coming from Sir Robert's offices on the sixth floor.

 

"Can it be stopped please?" asked the complainant, barrister Jason McHerron, of Waterfront Chambers.

 

In a string of faxes, Sir Robert - a cigarillo smoker - unleashed his famous sense of humour, vowing to leave "no stone unturned" as he investigated the complaint.

 

"Our full-scale detective program is under way, but in the interim I am writing to advise of a happy by-product of this matter which should cheer you up."

 

He referred Mr McHerron to Australian research which found smokers were more disease-resistant than non-smokers.

 

On August 10, Sir Robert told the barrister that cameras he had installed had uncovered the true culprits behind the smoke.

 

"Lo and behold, who could possibly have guessed it - chain-smoking bloody mice! ... The next step is nail the buggers."

 

Sir Robert included images of cigarette-puffing mice around a wine bottle.

 

The next day, Sir Robert said, the cameras revealed further rodent scandal which was of particular concern given his "life-long policy of only employing virgins".

 

"This morning's photos revealed not just chain-smoking mice but bloody homosexual chain-smoking mice. Last night was an absolute orgy."

 

And when Sir Robert returned to the office on August 22 he said he reviewed the tapes to monitor the mice's activities over the weekend and found they had broken into civil war.

 

"It was unbelievable; so much so some of our virgin secretaries retreated home weeping after viewing the proceedings.

 

"The mice had apparently been clearly divided into two factions - but it was unclear whether the homosexual mice had attacked the heterosexuals or whether the chain-smokers were fighting non-smoking mice.

 

"After two days of ferocious battle, one side drove the others into a retreat. In the process they took four captives whom they promptly hanged. I include the photographic evidence of the grim scene."

 

Sir Robert told Mr McHerron that he had also enlisted the professional legal services of lawyer Greg King, "of television law fame", to determine the nature of the mice's fighting factions.

 

Mr King wrote to Sir Robert, saying he had weighed the evidence as to how the mice had become embroiled in a civil war.

 

"Nevertheless, I am of the professional opinion that a court, if asked to make a finding, would be inclined to favour the smoking option on the evidence of the hanged mice all being smokers," the barrister said in an email.

 

On August 24, Sir Robert said it had occurred to him to set mouse-traps, but according to a letter he had received a fortnight ago from the Gay Rodents Rights Society traps could have "serious legal consequences".

 

Society president "Rod Ent-whistle" had complained about Sir Robert's recording of the rodents' activities and claimed a breach of the Crimes Act, saying: "Although you may disapprove of our members' lifestyle choices, they are not illegal."

 

But Rod Ent-whistle acknowledged that cheese was left lying on the carpet on a regular basis, and said his members did not wish to take the matter further.

 

Despite the light-hearted nature of the faxes, Sir Robert declined yesterday to comment, saying it was a private matter between a tenant and a landlord.

 

Mr McHerron also said it was a private matter, and he did not know the correspondence had been leaked online.

 

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Cosscomment: contrast discrimination of one group of people engaging in a legal activity, with another.