Any New Jokes

[Flashermac]

Murphy's 10 Lesser-Known Laws

 

 

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

 

2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

 

3. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

 

4. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

 

5. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

 

6. The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.

 

7. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he'll sit in a boat all day, drinking beer.

 

8. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

 

9. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

 

10. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

[Flashermac]

A blonde was on holiday in northern Queesnland. She desperately wanted to take home a pair of real crocodile shoes, but was reluctant to pay the high prices the vendors asked.

 

Becoming frustrated with the 'no haggle on prices' attitude of the shopkeepers, she finally said, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own croc, so I can get shoes for free!" She headed towards a billabong, determined to catch herself a croc.

 

Later, as the shopkeeper ws driving home, he spotted the blonde standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. He spotted a huge three metre crocodile swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning speed, she took aim, shot the croc and hauled it onto the bank. Lying nearby were five more of the huge critters.

 

The shopkeeper watched in amazement as she struggled to flip the croc onto its back.

 

Rolling her eyes and screaming in frustration, the blonde shouted out: "SHIT, SHIT, SHIT! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!"

 

 

[canadalad]

Tony Blair visits an Edinburgh hospital and enters a ward full of patients who do not seem to have anything wrong with them. He speaks to the first patient , and the patient answers, "fair fa your honest sonsie face,, great chieftain o the puddin race, aboon them a your take youtake thy place, painch, tripe or thairm as langs me arm" Tony is very confused and moves on to the next patient who says, "some hae meat and canna eat, and some wad eat that want it". Tony looks abashed and moves on to another patint who says, "wee sleeki,timourus beasty, thou needna start awa sae hastie" tony doesn't know what to say, and turns to the Doctor and asks, "is this the facility for mental patients?2 Oh no, replies the Doctor," this is the serious Burns unit" :smirk:

[Hamokhamok]

Next time you go to hospital check the top of your chart

 

 

Medical slang

 

 

 

Angel lust: a male corpse with an erection (not uncommon). Is also sometimes used to mean death that occurred during intercourse.

 

BFH: Brat From Hell, usually accompanied by PFH, i.e., Parent(s) from Hell

 

Bobbing for apples: unblocking a badly constipated patient with one's finger

 

Bury the Hatchet: accidently leave a surgical instrument inside a patient.

 

Code brown: Incontinence-related emergency

 

DBI: Dirtbag index, which is calculated by the number of tattoos on the body multiplied by number of recentmissing teeth, to estimate days without a bath

 

Donorcycle: motorbike, the biggest cause of donated organs!

 

FTF: Failure to fly, for attempted suicide victims

 

GPO: Good for Parts Only

 

Journal Of Anecdotal Medicine: The source to quote for less than evidence-based medical facts

 

N=1 trial: Polite term for experimenting on a patient

 

Neuro-fecal Syndrome: S**t for brains

 

Organ recital: A hypochondriac's medical history

 

O-sign: Found on the very sick patient who lies with mouth open. Precedes Q-sign

 

Q-sign: Following the O-sign, it's when the terminal patient's tongue hangs out of their open mouth

 

Rule of five: If more than five orifices are obscured by plastic tubing then the patient's condition is critical

 

TFBUNDY: Totally f*cked but unfortunately not dead yet. Best avoided in the medical notes

 

TUBE: Totally unnecessary breast examination

 

UBI: Unexplained beer injury, for all those hungover people on Sunday mornings with black eyes or swollen knees and no idea how they'd got them

 

Whopper with cheese: Fat woman with yeast infection

 

 

[Hamokhamok]

Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?

A: It's Braille for " suck here. "

 

Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?

A: It's the same as a French kiss, but " down under. "

 

Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?

A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

 

Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN ?

A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet. But when they go,

they take your f**king house and car with them.

 

Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?

A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch...

 

AND:

 

Q: WHAT IS A MAN'S ULTIMATE EMBARASSMENT?

A: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose

 

Edited January 5, 2008 by Guest

[Hamokhamok]

................

 

 

Edited January 5, 2008 by Guest
Failed to copy and past photos.

[Hamokhamok]

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

 

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptise cats.

2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.

3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.

4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.

5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.

8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

9) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

 

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

 

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.

2) Wrinkles don't hurt.

3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts..

4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.

5) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.

 

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

 

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you

once got from a roller coaster.

5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

 

 

SUCCESS:

 

At age 4 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.

At age 12 success is . . having friends.

At age 17 success is . having a drivers licence.

At age 35 success is . .. having money.

At age 50 success is . . . having money.

At age 70 success is . .. . having a drivers licence.

At age 75 success is . . . having friends.

At age 80 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.

 

 

 

[Hamokhamok]

Rodeo Time

 

A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls.

They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,

 

'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'

 

 

The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, 'He mated 50 times last year.'

 

They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,

 

''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'

 

The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, 'That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him.'

 

They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters,

 

'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'

 

The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said,'That's once a day.You could REALLY learn something from this one

 

The husband looked at her and said, 'Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow.'

 

The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and he should eventually make a full recovery.

 

[Hamokhamok]

Just saw on the 5 O'clock News that State Police found an unidentified man's body in a park nearby.

 

 

 

They describe him as having a Beer Belly, Saggy Balls, Wrinkled Ass and a Small Dick.

 

 

 

I was just checking to make sure that all you guys are okay.

 

[Flashermac]

A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted a handsome man standing alone.

 

She approached him and said, "Hi. My name is Carmen."

 

"What a beautiful name," he replied. "Is it an old family name?"

 

"No," she answered, "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most - cars and men. What's your name?"

 

"Bob Titsenbeer," he said.