Man at Work Posted February 15, 2005 Report Share Posted February 15, 2005 After reading through the "WHO IS A CUNT"-Thread, here is some wisdom to cool everybody off: 1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set. 2. A day without sunshine is like, night. 3. On the other hand, you have different fingers. 4. I just got lost in thought. It wasn't familiar territory. 5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. 6. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 7. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe 8. Honk if you love peace and quiet. 9. Remember, half the people you know are below average. 10. He who laughs last, didn't get the joke. 11. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. 12. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap. 13. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. 14. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have. 15. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week. 16. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 17. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines. 18. Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade! 19. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow. 20. Always try to be modest, and be proud of it! 21 If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments. 22. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand... 23. OK, so what's the speed of dark? 24. How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink? 25. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. 26. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. 27. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. 28. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film. 29. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? 30. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges? 31. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. 32. What happens if you get scared half to death twice? 33. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out. 34. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. 35. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? 36. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened. 37. Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. MaW Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
.. Posted February 15, 2005 Report Share Posted February 15, 2005 Speaking of Zen, Mao Mark often told me this joke: So, the master of Zen approaches the cart of the hot dog, says: "Do in me one of everything." The seller of the hot dog gets the $20 bill from the master of Zen which is paid for hot dog and the hand locks. The seller of the hot dog puts in place the cash and closes the drawer. "Is the place my modification which?" The master of Zen asked. The seller of the hot dog answers: "You must come from while modifying." Cheers, SD Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nervous_Dog Posted February 16, 2005 Report Share Posted February 16, 2005 Mutate now and avoid the rush DOG Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nervous_Dog Posted February 16, 2005 Report Share Posted February 16, 2005 I always remember this one Peice of sequence we walked in bar, we requested beer, barman says, "grieved, not to serve to sequence" sequence we walked here towards outside, one ties and it abrades the end of its hair, walks behind inside and it says, "I can eat a beer", the barman says, "you are not you that piece of sequence" Oyster! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nervous_Dog Posted February 16, 2005 Report Share Posted February 16, 2005 Or this was this one, which ALWAYS cracked me up Three pieces of the fungus is seating round, being depressed, nevertheless, one of them beginning to count a joke. "hey, its assumption to be pressed", "porqué" she responds, "I am an individual of the diversion" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chuckwoww Posted February 16, 2005 Report Share Posted February 16, 2005 Here are some words of wisdom from Maharishi Fattibastard.... Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either, just f--- off and leave me alone. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tyre. The darkest hours come just before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's milk and newspaper, that's the time to do it. Sex is like air. It only becomes really important when you aren't getting any. Don't aspire to become irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. Remember, no one is listening until you fart. Never forget that you are unique, like everyone else. Never test the depth of the water with both feet. If you think nobody cares whether you're dead or alive, try missing a couple of mortgage payments Before you judge someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you judge them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. If at first you don't succeed, avoid skydiving. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. Have you ever lent someone $20 and never seen that person again? It was probably worth it. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. Some days we are the flies; some days we are the windscreen. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time. Good judgment comes from experience, experience comes from bad judgment. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket. A closed mouth gathers no feet. There are two theories about how to win an argument with a woman. Neither one works. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much if your lips are moving. Never miss a good chance to shut up. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. When we are born we are naked, wet, hungry, and we get smacked on our arse. From there on in, life gets worse The most wasted day of all is one in which we have not laughed. Remember not to forget that which you do not need to know. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sukhumvit Posted February 17, 2005 Report Share Posted February 17, 2005 Buddha walks into a Pizza Parlour and says "Make me one with everything..." :: Well, at least it was a gesture. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted February 20, 2005 Report Share Posted February 20, 2005 ND, Suadum Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nervous_Dog Posted February 20, 2005 Report Share Posted February 20, 2005 What I do? Hey Guru Fatbastard, very nice collection. DOG Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted February 21, 2005 Report Share Posted February 21, 2005 Please enlighten me a little, I'm (about) totally at loss trying to understand Suadum's and your posts ? Had a good laugh reading MAW's though. Cheers! random Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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