Thai mother-daughter relationships

[dean]

I don't know how this is going to turn out but it certainly is interesting in the differences in trust of your children in Thailand versus the west. I've grown up basicaly believing that you trust your children but verify their actions when necessary. Case in point was a vacation to Pattaya for the family in late March. The eldest daughter (18 years old) couldn't go because of a school activity that she had to attend. I am on good terms with the neighbors and they were going to let me know if anything unusual occured during the week that the child stayed there by herself. I didn't tell the wife this because she trusts her children "100% " and would be angry if she knew I had someone lookg after the child and property. It turns out that she had several friends there most of the time and did not leave the house for any school activities. I said nothing to my wife about this. Last week, she found out on her own about the "boyfriend" and was furious, yelling at her all nite and slapping her (before I stopped that). I had hoped to talk it out the following evening, when tempers had cooled but that nite, the daughter left the house. She was gone for 4 nites before coming back. In the meantime, the "100% trust" became zero percent and she says she no longer has a place in her heart for the daughter. On a more paractical level, I can't get a straight answer if the daughter is going to the U.S., which is what I still want but I realize that I can't force an 18 year old to go. I also don't want to spend the money ( around $1,200 more) to finish her visa process and buy a one way ticket to U.S. I don't see how a daugher or son can go from "doing no wrong" one minute to "not her daugher anymore" over one incident, which was big to her (she got married at 15 and has no desire to see her daughter make the same mistake) but hardly something I would cut a daughter or son off for. If anyone with experience handling step sons or daughters in Thailand could give me some advise on whether this is normal and whether, over time, the mother will forgive daughter and go on with the relationship as it was before.

[Dumsoda]

Mate...

 

T I T

 

[Dumsoda]

pseverthoughtaboutputtingabreakbetweenparagraphsitwouldmakereadingyourpostsaloteasier

 

Cheers DS

[Julian2]

I'd say she'll forgive, your problem is the one way ticket to the US.

Sit down alone with the girl and talk to her.

[CTO]

I see this Mother Daughter thing a lot. We have a rather extended family - the favorite one year suddenly does something minor (in fact no where as bad as her other siblings) and suddenly she's BAD TO THE BONE.

 

My role then is to remind her the "BAD GIRL" is in fact still far more diligent than any other of the kids - at which point I am BAD TO THE BONE!

 

It's common from what I see. Regardless what many people post about parents selling daughters etc - most Thai families are very traditional and strict in up bringing.

[dean]

I tend to post on the whim and, and not being computer savy (I still can't post pictures, not that I really want to), I post like I would write a letter, in box form. I'll work on it (either that or the older readers of my post get reading glasses). I'll try to ride this out but I can't imagine that it will be easy. There are three step children, 18, 14 and 12 years old. Basically, the oldest one helped raise the other two while the mother worked for the last 5 years before meeting me. The oldest borrowed 20 baht from me last nite and the middle son couldn't wait to snitch on her to the mother. I had to promise not to lend the daughter any more money. Now, it seems, that it is the mother and two siblings aginst the eldest, with me in the middle. My plan is to get the visa for the eldest. If she doesn't get it by the time she is 21, she won't get one and I think that she will regret it. Hopefully, time will heal the hurt feelings and she will go. But I won't buy the airline ticket until I am sure of her intentions.

[dean]

Believe it or not, but I did put the above thoughts into four paragraphs. It still came out in a single block form. I guess I better attend computer 101!

[Julian2]

My wife is childless but has plenty of input on all the nephews and nieces and now the new grandy.

My opinions are seldom welcome but I agree with her on most things anyway.

 

She has strongly opposed two teenage marriages in the last five years but never seemed to hold a grudge for long.

 

I don't doubt Dean's step-daughter will regret not going to the US and he should use everything in his power to make her do so, but.... if she's got the hots for a boyfriend it's not gonna be easy.

 

[CTO]

Teen marriages so common - one reason they "experiment" as we all did and WAM family wants them married!

[Central Scrutinizer]

It's all about the girl bringing a loss of face and disgrace. Of course all the neighbors knew what was going on. So, she now looks like a slut (to the neighbors) if she had guys staying there overnight, and even just having guys in the house with her at all, unchaperoned. The mother is ashamed of what her daughter did. She trusted her, that trust was broken and broken badly due to the complete loss of face for the family. I do wonder why another aunt, grandmother, or older woman in the family wasn't brought in to stay with her to help 'watch the house'. It's the usual thing to do here when a young woman will be alone without parents and family around.

 

And yes, sit down and talk to her. She may not even want to go to the west at all, and as said, she is 18. Her choice.

 

Cent