Jump to content

Any New Jokes


Recommended Posts

As part of their "ranch" holiday, a guy takes his wife hunting. When they reach their deer blinds, the guy says, "If you shoot a deer, be sure you don't let anybody else say he's the one who shot it. Otherwise, he'll take the deer from you. The deer belongs to whoever shoots it."


The guy goes to his own blind. Ten minutes later, he hears his wife shooting from her blind nearby. He rushes over and finds her pointing her rifle at a cowboy who's shouting, "OK, lady, OK! You can have the goddamn deer! Just lemme get my saddle off it!"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Bob's wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.


The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'


His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.


'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling league.


When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.


His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'


'I recognize her; she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'


A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says, 'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?' Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.


Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.


The cabby turns around and says, 'Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.'

Link to comment
Share on other sites

There is this guy who lost an eye in a fight. He looks like a freak without it and goes to a doctor who recommends a glass replacement. The guy cannot afford one so the doctor fits one made one out of wood which is cheaper. However, he becomes really self conscious about it and becomes a bit of a recluse. One day a friend gets him out to a bar. He sees everyone dancing and wants to join in.


He sees a chick with a hunchback standing around and thinks "Well, no one else is asking her to dance and she is worse off than me so I'll ask."


He goes up to her and says, "Want to dance?"


She looks really excited and says, "Would I!"


The guy says "Wood eye! Wood eye! Well fuck you, hunchback!"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter.


The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag.


The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot high and sets him on the counter.


He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well.


He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano.


The little man sits down at the piano, and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart!


"Where on earth did you get that?" says the bartender.


The man responds by reaching into the paper bag.


This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: "Here. Rub it."


So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him. "I will grant you one wish. Just one wish...each person is only allowed one!"


The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, "I want a million bucks!"


A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!


The bartender turns to the man and says, "Y'know, I think your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."


"No shit!!" says the man, "do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

  • Create New...