colonoscopy

[Man at Work]

... I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis . Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BUTT!'

 

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.

 

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

 

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

 

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the comode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep -- at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

 

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to the Doc for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

 

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

 

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

 

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere.

 

 

 

I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' has to be the least appropriate.

 

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said.

 

 

 

And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

 

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, Feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

MaW

 

 

 

[Old Hippie]

Glad to hear you are o.k.

[Faustian]

Very funny and well written....and of course good to hear you are ok.

[samak]

...written by MaW???

[Julian2]

Well written but all lies.

A real man's arse is sacred.

 

He's really totally shattered from the violation and cries himself to sleep every night.

 

DID HE BITE THE PILLOW WHEN HE WAS GETTING IT? DID HE????

 

I note that Old Hippie has been so totally cowed by rogueyam to the point where he can't even make a gayness assessment anymore.

 

Seriously MaW, glad to here that there's no problem and if my turn comes.... I hope I get the same result, and conduct myself in a suitably manly manner. :thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup:

[Man at Work]

...written by MaW???

 

Nope, written by Dave Barry who is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.

 

And sure as heck no one came close to my anus (exept a few gals in a club in Soi 7/1, which we are not allowed to metion.)!

 

MaW

 

 

 

 

[USVirgin]

I had one of those about a year ago, recommended by my doctor just because I'm nearing 50. I remember my dad telling me at the time that the recommended screening was a bunch of shite, but I did it anyway, no probs.

 

Since then my cousin who's my age has serious problems with colon cancer and my dad himself just had an operation that nearly killed him (they got all the cancer, but they removed his gall bladder and appendix while they were at it - his generally weak health was the reason he almost didn't make it).

 

Now that he's in recovery, I'm going to ask him again if he still thinks colonoscopies are a bunch of shite.

[Encore]

I had a Colonoscopy while in BKK, which made it a bit easier, because of all the smiling cuties in the room, joking and generally being cute. I did feel a bit selfconscious about lying in the sluice room dressed only in that silly gown, but then reasoned I'd been in a room with few Thai cuties before with even fewer clothes (like MAW says, in that club in 7/1 for instance, where they also wanted to insert something in that same orifice), so there was nothing to worry about.

 

Mind you, then I did worry a bit, thinking what if I now get an erection, as result of all these beautiful thai women around me. But they must have put something in the pre-med, because I didn't.

 

Seeing those dark brown eyes and that smile as first thing when you wake up also helps.

 

[Bangkoktraveler]

I want to know more about the" like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser". When in the hell did you ever try those two things? Shit man, isn't anything sacred? I thought those of us that are down are the only ones who have ever tried the urinal cleansers. By the way, have you ever eaten any of the urinal cakes? My favorite is the orange ones.

[BJ_Blackowitz]

they seduced You for it? not when I had mine...

was not soo bad thought, not a nice experience in any way but unpleasant

 

WAY worse is to have your blatter examined ... there is only ONE way in without cutting and that is though ... yep

 

and THAT is unpleasant and painfull, peeing will hurt A LOT 24 hrs and you have the urge to pee for at least 24 hrs ....

 

ive now had tubes in all my body entries and that was by FAR the most anoying experience...

 

prefer to have a coloscopy 100 times over 1 time in the pecker..