A Thai relationship not so easy.

[trotsky2]

Whooa Nellie,

 

It is a little difficult to write about something when you are just not sure what it is exactly going on.

 

--I have been involved in a long distance relationship with a Thai for over a year. Total time together has been about 3 months.

 

Dilemna: I need to make a decision here about what to do next in this relationship. Do we go ahead and marry when neither of us are sure or just end it and risk the consequences of being without a person you love and enjoy being with so much? We both understand the situation well and are at a loss about what to do. We would like to keep the relationship going, and when we feel it is right, go ahead with the marriage. This is not possible however due to time, money, and bureaucratic restrictions.

 

I could continue the relationship and avoid the restrictions by living in Thailand. But, I refuse to live in Thailand without proper employment. I would love to live there ( note: lived and worked as a foreign slave for 6 months previous) but not without some sedang (baht). I am working now to acheive this objective in the future. That is, I am trying to further my education in order to open up this opportunity. I plan to study in Thailand for a year and then go back to the US for a master's degree. The studies will all be centered on Thailand and the region. Even if I can't go back and reside in LOS, I will be much better of than I am now as an English teacher.

 

Now, given my game plan and the time required for a visa (8 months), I need to either marry her when I come to study or call the whole thing quits. Further long distance relationship is out of the question.

 

Even though we have questions about it, we may still go through on it. We will just give it a go and if it fails then so be it. It will technically be a marriage but not wholly. Why? Well, none of the usual marriage formalities are going to happen. I simply can't afford it and she is well aware of this. My savings are a meager 10k US and I have been saving this teaching English in Taiwan. The money will be used for my studies. I have told her that the only way for me to be well off in the future is for me to spend my savings on education and nothing else. There will be no dowry. Her parents have passed and the siblings will not be notified of the situation. There will be no huge upcountry party. Certainly no big diamond ring. Surprisingly she is still game. I have told her that I would have no problem parting with my money in order to satisfy cultural formalities but not at this time. Later on if we are still happy together we can do the ring and party thing. It is simply stupid to piss away all the money for marriage and be back at square one.

 

My reservation about the marriage is twofold. One, there is a serious class difference that often interferes with our social life. Together we are great. Being with her is like being with your best mate back home. She likes doing what guys like to do. She has no qualms about unhooking a fish or cleaning the ink from a squid. Furthermore, she does not spend her time consumed in fashion mags and chasing the material world.

 

However, when it comes to friends there is quite a difference. She is not a prostitute (to my knowledge, I seriously doubt it)but her job is in the entertainment area. Thus, her friends tend to either be bargirls or people associated with that sector of the economy. They don't bother me but I don't really like hanging out with them. I can tolerate it though because this downside is definitely outweighed by the other positives in the relationship.

 

When it comes to my friends, she doesn't verbally express it, but I feel she doesn't enjoy hanging out with them. My friends are primarily middle class and have grown up in Bangkok. About half or more are still college students. It seems the class, occupational, and regional background differences make it extremely difficult for her to assimilate into this scene. Likewise, the same factors make it difficult for me to really enjoy the company of her friends. I am really concerned about how this will effect the future of our relationship. If living in the LOS, having a party with my friends and her friends would be a total disaster. Imagine a group of educated middle class Thais in a room with a group of Issan migrates that work on Sukumwit. In the US, I don't know what would happen.

 

A second concern which intertwines with the first is my wondering eye. When we are together, I don't really consider running astray as everything is fine, but when I am with my friends I am tempted. We often go out to this area called Au Dau Gau. This place is flooded with some of the most lovely creatues I have ever seen. It makes me think, hey if I had one of these gals, the socialization problem would be solved in one fail swoop. I could pick up a fair skinned maiden, probably educated, perhaps rich, and able to hang with the same crowd.

 

Is this reason to throw away an already for good piece of cake? Am I being too greedy? Could I compromise by having my great cake and picking up a mia noi to deal with the social problem? Am I deluding myself in to believing I would be compatible with these girls? Most seem caught up in fashion, money, and obtaining greater status. Would they know how to bait a hook or even be interested? Then again what am I thinking, I will only be in LOS a year which isn't really enough I don't think to find another woman for marriage. Would any of them marry me given that I will probably be financially insolvent for several more years? The one I have is willing to throw her lot in already knowing this. Should I call it quits and look for a Thai in the US? It is all so difficult to resolve. Inevitably I will have to figure it out myself. I don't mean to consume board space but I needed to air this in hopes of answering my own questions myself through writing, give others a picture of what a cross cultural relationship can be like, and also get the opines of fellow board members. Thanks

 

 

 

 

[JJsushi]

Youy don't need advice on what you should do. IMO you already have a fair idea of what you want to do. You basically need time to let certain situations to develop so that you can make your decisions accordingly.

[Guest]

I don't quite understand the timing issue. If you study one year in Thailand, why do you need to marry when you arrive, especially if she is accepting that she will not be getting the whole nine yards due to your financial constraints? It will not be a remote relationship, even if you are not married.

 

You also should have plenty of time to arrange a fiancee visa to the USA. Once she has that she can try and see if she can live within the constraints of you being a master's student - all without getting married.

 

That should give the relationship plenty of time to break apart... Things might even be easier in the USA, since you would not have to deal with mixing her and yours circle of friends. If she cannot fit with the people you socialize with as a student, it will just get worse once you graduate.

 

Wagner

 

[jasmine]

Hi,

 

Many concepts you should be thinking and one (class) issue will be an issue, especially when you receive a MS.

 

I am sure that you are very aware that social class do exist in the States. If she cannot get along with the middle class Thais now, she will not get along with other people, (educated is presumed) in USA.

 

I posted a while ago about a Thai woman who really tried hard to get education and made other changes to get to the level of her husband's social group (he was just an enginer). The effort failed.

 

I have never met any thai females who can adjust that well. Mind you, I am from a lower middle class Thai family but education was very important to us and with quite high education, we socialize with people in very similar background. However, I don't mind socialize with anyone as long as the speech and manners are not downright rude.

 

[color:"red"] She has no qualms about unhooking a fish or cleaning the ink from a squid. [/color]

 

Every Thai female I have met (including me) can do what you mentioned, what is the big deal?

 

A freind of mine (class mate in Thammasart) married a Peace Corp volunteer and moved to Hawaii with him (she taught at a college when she met him). The first 2 years she worked in a grocery store to earn some money while he studied for his masters. The marriage fell apart soon after he graduated but she never regretted it, what she regretted was that her career in Thailand was ruined, could not go back to teach again (don't know why). She did mention that one thing that failed the marriage was the social life (different friends).

 

I have different friends from our freinds also, but no issue of social class or education.

 

Being different in education level is bad enough for a lot of people (IT DOES NOT BOTHER MANY PEOPLE THOUGH), another social class issue will not be very comfortable.

 

Good Luck!

 

Jasmine

[check_bin_krap]

Trotsky2, I doubt if you are ready for marriage if you are asking all these questions and doubt? I don't think marrying will solve things. I would wait if I were you, time will show if its right for both of you or not.

 

Its not like its worth having if it breaks down because of a waiting period, is it?

 

There is no definiate reply to your questions about moving in and belonging in different social circles. For some people thats not a big deal. They either adapt to eachother or get used to and enjoy having seperate social lives. For me it became a big problem, but first after many years. Today I would avoid that situation.

 

I guess it also depends on your plans for the future? Do you want kids? If that is the case your kids might occupy enough of your spare time to not make that an issue.

 

Cheers and good luck with your choice.

[check_bin_krap]

"I posted a while ago about a Thai woman who really tried hard to get education and made other changes to get to the level of her husband's social group (he was just an enginer). The effort failed.

 

I have never met any thai females who can adjust that well. "

 

From what I have seen of Thai/farang couples in my country its mostly the husband who adjusts (if either of them do). I know many who are dragged along by their wives to meet other Thai all the time. The Thai girls gather in one group, sit on the floor and go bla bla, enjoying their food and gossip. And my God, they can talk and talk. The husbands who don't have much in common sit for themselves and suffer (at least I did).

 

I hated that.

 

Cheers!

[jasmine]

Hi,

 

[color:"red"] I know many who are dragged along by their wives to meet other Thai all the time. The Thai girls gather in one group, sit on the floor and go bla bla, enjoying their food and gossip. And my God, they can talk and talk. The husbands who don't have much in common sit for themselves and suffer (at least I did).

 

[/color]

 

Seen that and I avoid that type of functions. I don't hardly see any Thais except in temples. I find it rude for people to speak in a language that someone (even just one) person in a group cannot understand.

 

The truth is I don't find many common interests with many Thai women I have met here. I had kept a friendship with one woman for over 15 years, just because she was from the town I grew up in. We did not have much discussion, but she and her husband were very good to my daughter and we liked him a lot. Once her husband died, she became a different person with her past behaviour took over (was working in a brothel once) and it was more than I could take. Many times, I had to bail her out from gambling and other behaviour that I could not say here. My feelings were hurt but, in life, we have choices and I chose not to be around her. She felt that I had forsaken her and I feel bad.

 

By the way, I can sit on the floor but man, my legs go numb!!!

 

Cheers!

[shygye]

[color:"green"] The Thai girls gather in one group, sit on the floor and go bla bla, enjoying their food and gossip. And my God, they can talk and talk. The husbands who don't have much in common sit for themselves and suffer (at least I did).

[/color]

 

That is what ESPN is for. ::

[Guest]

I am from a low class family and in two years I will have a PhD degree.

So am I now a member of the higher middle class?!?

I hate any class system. I have met a lot of people of higher classes looking down on lower classes and it amuses me to show them that I know much more and that I am much more intelligent so that I can look down on them.

 

Best regards

 

 

[Guest]

"(and he was just and engineer)".. :: just and engineer?, just an engineer?, whats wrong with being an engineer????? Are we the lowest of classes???

 

 

 

 

 

 

(only kidding, I don't think you meant harm by that statement.....)