BelgianBoy Posted February 25, 2004 Author Report Share Posted February 25, 2004 Rusty, Thats a very old one, but with a variant : Q how do Dutch cooking books start ? A borrow an egg..... Cheers ! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BelgianBoy Posted February 26, 2004 Author Report Share Posted February 26, 2004 A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, covered in fresh blood. He parked himself on the ceiling of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and started hassling him about where he'd got it. He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep. However, they persisted until he finally gave in. "Okay, follow me," he said as he flapped out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees. Finally he slowed and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. "Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked. "YES, YES, YES!" all the other bats screamed in a frenzy. "GOOD," shouted the bat, "BECAUSE I FUCKING DIDN'T. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted February 26, 2004 Report Share Posted February 26, 2004 An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man who has never been with a woman sexually. After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad. She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback, and after a long-distance courtship, they decide to get married. On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner. "What happened?" she asks. "I've never been with a woman," he says. "But if it's anything like screwing a kangaroo I'm gonna need all the room I can get!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BelgianBoy Posted February 28, 2004 Author Report Share Posted February 28, 2004 A Canadian lumber camp advertises for a lumberjack. A skinny little guy shows up at the camp the next day carrying an axe. The head lumberjack takes one look at the puny little guy and tells him to get lost. "Give me a chance to show you what I can do," says the skinny guy. "Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" says the head lumberjack. "Take your axe and cut it down." The guy heads for the tree, and in five minutes he's knocking on the lumberjack's door. "I cut the tree down," says the guy. The lumberjack can't believe his eyes and says, "Where did you learn to chop down trees like that?" "In the Sahara Forest," says the puny man. "You mean the Sahara Desert," says the lumberjack. "Sure......That's what they call it now!" Cheers ! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BelgianBoy Posted March 2, 2004 Author Report Share Posted March 2, 2004 Paddy and Bridget had just got married. It was their wedding night in the bridal suite. Bridget was lying on her back on the bed in an incredible shimmering silky negligee whimpering, "Take me Paddy. Take me now!" Paddy (having been a good catholic boy) was a virgin and didn't have the faintest idea what to do next. Suddenly he had a brilliant idea. He dashed out of the room and went to reception to ring his mum for advice. Her advice was to put the hardest part of his body into where Bridget pees. Paddy was a bit dubious about this but his mother assured him that Bridget would love it. Paddy came back in to the bedroom triumphantly, asked Bridget if she was ready. Bridget shouted, "Yes, Yes, I'm ready!" Then she watched in amazement as Paddy ran into the bathroom and put his head down the toilet. Cheers ! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BelgianBoy Posted March 2, 2004 Author Report Share Posted March 2, 2004 A couple with their young son decided to spend a day at a nude beach. After an hour in the sun, the father went for a walk while the son played in the water. After a while the boy came up to his mother and said, "Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!" The mother said, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are." So the boy went back to play. Minutes later the boy returned and said, "Mommy, I saw men with willies a lot bigger than daddy's." The mother said the same thing, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are." So the boy went back to play. Several minutes later the boy ran back to his mother and said, "Mommy, I just saw daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw, and the more he talked, the dumber he got!" Cheers ! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BelgianBoy Posted March 4, 2004 Author Report Share Posted March 4, 2004 One day, an American was touring Spain. After his day's sightseeing, he stopped at a local restaurant. While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?" The waiter replied, " Ah senior, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's balls from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!" The American, though momentarily daunted, when he learned the origin of the dish said, "What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!" The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senior. There is only one serving a day since there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to serve you this delicacy!" The next morning, the American returned, placed his order and was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, He called to the waiter and said, "These are very tasty but I notice that they're much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!" The waiter promptly replied, "Si senior! Sometimes the bull wins!" Cheers ! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted March 7, 2004 Report Share Posted March 7, 2004 You know you're a redneck when... 1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree. 2. You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter. 3. Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center. 4. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years. 5. You burn your yard rather than mow it. 6. You think the Nutcracker is something you do off the high dive. 7. The Salvation Army declines your mattress. 8. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph. 9. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it. 10. You come back from the dump with more than you took. 11. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table. 12. Your grandmother has "Ammo" on her Christmas list. 13. You think a subdivision is part of a math problem. 14. You've bathed with flea and tick soap. 15. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold. 16. You have used a rag for a gas cap. 17. Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does. 18. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean. 19. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it. 20. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand. 21. You have a complete set of salad bowls, and they all say Cool Whip on the side. 22. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table. 23. You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart. 24. Your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home. 25. You've used a toilet brush as a back scratcher. 26. You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted March 7, 2004 Report Share Posted March 7, 2004 A small zoo in Alabama had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very agitated and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available. While reflecting on their problem, the park administrators noticed Mike, a part time trainee zoo-keeper, responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Mike, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy ANY species. So, the park administrators thought they might have a solution. Mike was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500? Mike showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, Mike announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions. "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her." "Secondly, you must never tell anyone about this." The park administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition? "Well," said Mike, "You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted March 7, 2004 Report Share Posted March 7, 2004 surenow There was a part 4. ( as mike was a good irishman) #4 any offspring have to be raised as catholic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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