times for some jokes

[BelgianBoy]

Guys,

 

Feel free to add some jokes........

 

This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen. Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks, "How on Earth do you get into those pants?"

 

The young woman looks him over and replies, "Well, you could start by buying me a drink."

 

=========

 

"Question"

 

You are sitting behind the wheel in a car keeping a constant speed, on you left side there is an abyss.

On your right side you have a fire engine and it keeps the same speed as you.

In front of you runs a pig, larger than you car.

A helicopter is following you, at ground level.

Both the helicopter and the pig are keeping the same speed as you.

 

What will you need to do to be able to stop?

 

Answer:

 

Get out of the car, step down from the merry-go-round and leave you seat to someone younger.

The children's merry-go-round in the amusement park is primarily for the younger children.

 

Cheers !

[elef]

Sadly, Dave was born without ears, and though he proved to be successful in business, his problem annoyed him greatly.

 

One day he needed to hire a new manager for his company, so he set up three interviews.

 

The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to know and was very interesting. But at the end of the interview, Dave asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"

 

"Why, yes, I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears," came the reply. Dave did not appreciate his candor and threw him out of the office.

 

The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. But he asked her the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?"

 

"Well," she said stammering, "you have no ears." Dave again got upset and chucked her out in a rage.

 

The third and final interviewee was the best of the bunch; he was a young man who had recently earned his MBA. He was smart. He was handsome, and he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together.

 

Dave was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?"

 

Much to his surprise, the young man answered,"Yes, you wear contact lenses, don't you?"

 

Dave was shocked and realized this was an incredibly observant person whom he should hire.

 

"How in the world did you know that?" he asked.

 

The young man replied, "Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no fucking ears

[Guest]

That is the funniest I have heard in a long time.

 

Bravo ::

[SiLeakHunt]

 

Top notch !!

[carew66]

Very rarely do I actually LOL. Really. But I just did. Good one. LOL!

[Guest]

ROTFLMAO

 

Ok elef you win that round ............

 

Round 2 please gentlemen:

[BelgianBoy]

Ok, round 2 then

 

Truisms

 

A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.

 

Anyone who thinks old age is golden must not have had a very exciting youth.

 

How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teen-ager who wants to stay out all night?

 

Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company

can operate without.

 

Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?

 

Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job.

 

There are no new sins....the old ones just get more publicity.

 

There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4AM. ... It could be a right number.

 

Think about this..... No one ever says "It?s only a game" when their team is winning.

 

How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?

 

Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.

 

Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make them all yourself.

 

The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.

 

If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.

 

Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.

 

You know you're old when you reach down to get the wrinkles out of your panty hose and realize you aren't wearing any.

 

I've reached the age where I don't take YES for an answer.

-------------------

New Medications

 

Prestidigitalis: A cure-all. Works like magic!

 

Sexcedrin: What to give someone who says, "Not tonight, Dear; I have a headache."

 

Ropadopamine: Retards brain damage from blows to the head.

 

Histalavista: Say bye-bye to those allergies.

 

Milk of Amnesia: Infant formula to help forget birth trauma.

 

Non-interferon: Black-market drug often slipped to unsuspecting in-laws.

 

Testsoteroni: A hormonal supplement eaten as pasta.

 

Aestheominophen: You don't feel any better, but you look fabulous.

 

Cheers !

[Guest]

Everynight after dinner, Somchai and his wife Lek retire to the living room with a bottle of Mekong and proceed to fill their glasses and finally fall asleep watching TV.

 

One day walking home from work, Somchai accidentally kicks an empty Beer Chang can. Out came a genie. "Hey, be careful where you're going", the genie admonishes Somchai. "Wow, are you a real genie"?, asks Somchai. "Can you really grant me a wish?" The genie assures Somchai that he is and that he can. "I will give you one wish, so make it a good one". Without hesitation, Somchai tells the genie that he would like to piss Johnny Walker Black Label. "Well, that's unusual, but if that's what you want, you're wish is granted."

 

Somchai hurries home, enters the house, grabs a glass and heads to the hawngnam. Into the glass he relieves himself. He holds up the glass, examines the contents and dips a finger into the liquid. With some intrepidation, he licks his finger. He can't believe it. His piss has turned to Johnny Walker Black. He gulps down the rest and joins his wife for dinner.

 

After dinner, Lek and Somchai are watching TV when Somchai decides it's time to tell his wife about his good fortune. Lek, of course, doesn't believe a word of it. Somchai decides to prove it to her. "Watch", he says. Somchai stands up and pisses into a glass and downs it in one swig. His wife is stunned. "You want to try some", Somchai asks. "Johnny Walker Black? You no go hok?, Lek asks. "The real thing sweetheart, I bullshit you not". "Okay, get me a glass," she says. "He he he...not tonight Lek. Tonight you drink from the bottle".

[..]

Being an Irishman, I like Irish jokes, so without further adieu:

 

Sean O'Reilly was an expat in New York. His brother Eammon was in Oz while his other brother Seamus was taking care of Momma in Cork.

 

Sean finds himself a local in NYC and orders three pints. He drinks them all and walks out, not talking to anyone else, just muttering to himself.

 

Well, the patrons see this each week for a couple of months and ask Sean just what he was doing. After all, he could order one beer at a time and be a bit more sociable.

 

Sean explained that his story and said that he missed his brothers very much. and that they had devised a plan to have a beer at the same time each week to keep all in fresh memory. The barman thought that was wonderful and bought him that round.

 

Well, weeks go by and everybody knows of Sean and his ritual. Then one day, Sean comes in and orders two Guiness, not three, and downs them. A hush falls across the bar. Finally a young lady walks over to Sean and tells him she is very sorry for is loss. Naturally, Sean is confused. The lady explains that he only ordered two beers! What happened to your brother? Is he dead?

 

Sean laughed. "No all is well with me family, Colleen. It is just that I decided to quit drinkin'."

 

Cheers,

SD

[Zaad]

Hi,

 

I'm not sure whether I have ever posted the following joke, but I like it so here it goes:

 

After having spent a whole morning discussing whales and every possible topic on it, the teacher asks one final question before the class is dismissed.

Teacher: "Ok class, let's see if we have been paying attention to today's subject, aahh Johnny, can you tell us now what a whale is exactly?"

Johnny: "Yes teacher, a whale is a very big fish".

Teacher: "not quite, Johhny, a whale is a mammal, but I like the way you're thinking".

Teacher: "Ok class, we'll been seeing eachoth...".

Johhny: "Wait....Can I ask you a question too, teacher?"

Teacher: "Well, uuh, sure, ask me your question, Johhny".

Johhny: "Can you see those 3 women outside sitting on a bench eating ice-cream?"

Teacher: "I see them Johnny, why do you ask?"

Johhny: "Well teach, the one on the left is licking it, isn't she?"

Teacher: "????uhh I suppose she is, Johhny".

Johhny: "The one in the middle is eating it, is she not?"

Teacher: "She is indeed eating it, Johhny, so?"

Johhny: "And the one on the right is clearly sucking her ice-cream, right?"

Teacher: "Correct, Johhny, so what's your point?"

Johhny: "Well, which one of the 3 women do you think is married, teacher?"

Teacher: "How could I possibly know, Johhny?...well on second thought..perhaps the one that is sucking the ice-cream?"

Johhny: "Wrong teach, the married woman is the one that is wearing the wedding ring, but I sure like the way you're thinking too".