spirit_of_town_hall Posted February 18, 2004 Report Share Posted February 18, 2004 What did the Scottish Paedophile say when the child gets in the car.... Hey go easy on the sweets... STH Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BelgianBoy Posted February 18, 2004 Author Report Share Posted February 18, 2004 lazyphil said:<<Being an Irishman, I like Irish jokes, so without further adieu:>> I thought you were an American? Lazy, Are not all Americans from somewhere else ????? :: :: :: :: :: Cheers ! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sayjann Posted February 18, 2004 Report Share Posted February 18, 2004 A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during one particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years ago. Because both had jobs,they found it difficult co-ordinating their travel schedules. It was decided that the husband would fly to Florida on Thursday,and his wife would follow him the next day. Upon arriving as planned, the husband checked into the hotel. In his room there was a computer, so he decided to send his wife an e-mail back in Minneapolis. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her address,and sent the e-mail without realizing his error. In Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. The dearly departed was a minister of many years who had been called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow checked her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. Upon reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read: To: My Loving Wife Subject: I've Arrived. I know you are surprised to hear from me,They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mail to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine. P.S. Sure is hot down here! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sayjann Posted February 18, 2004 Report Share Posted February 18, 2004 Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended. The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor,you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return. A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some husbands... First floor The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went. Second floor The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking. " "Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's further up?" Third floor This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework." "Wow," said the women, "Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they went. Fourth floor This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids,are extremely good looking,help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak. "Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on! So up to the fifth floor they went. Fifth floor The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are fucking impossible to please. The exit is to your left, we hope you fall down the fucking stairs." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chuckwoww Posted February 20, 2004 Report Share Posted February 20, 2004 Found on a message board....origin unknown NEIGHBOURHOOD IDIOTS IDIOTS IN SERVICE This week, My phone went dead and I had to contact the telephone repair people. They promised to be out between 8:00 a.m. and 7:00 p.m. When I asked if they could give me a smaller time window, the pleasant gentleman asked, "Would you like us to call you before we come?" I replied that I didn't see how he would be able to do that, since our phones weren't working. He also requested that we report future outages by email. I asked him, "Does YOUR email work without a telephone line?" IDIOTS AT WORK: I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared the signature to the one I had just signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched. IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "too many deer were being hit by cars" and he didn't want them to cross there anymore. IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE: My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg. IDIOT SIGHTING I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know? " He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask." IDIOT SIGHTING The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?" IDIOT SIGHTING I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her couldn't understand why her system would not turn on. IDIOT SIGHTING When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!" To which he replied, "I know - I already got that side." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
khunsanuk Posted February 20, 2004 Report Share Posted February 20, 2004 Hi, "IDIOTS AT WORK: I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared the signature to the one I had just signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched." This exact thing happened to a friend of mine several years ago in Patpong. Sanuk! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted February 21, 2004 Report Share Posted February 21, 2004 Grampa and Billy were working out in the garden. Grampa spies Billy trying to put a worm back into the ground. "You'll never get that worm back in his hole," said the old man. Suddenly, Billy had an idea. He ran into the laundry room and came back with a can of spray starch. After a few sprays, the worm was as stiff as a board and Billy was able to slide him back into the earth. "Billy! You're a genius," exclaimed grampa. He hugged Billy, gave him a dollar out of his pocket, grabbed the starch, and ran inside. Thirty minutes later, grampa comes back out smiling. He gives Billy another dollar. "Grampa," said the boy, "You already gave me a dollar." "No," replied grampa, "That dollar's from grandma!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BelgianBoy Posted February 24, 2004 Author Report Share Posted February 24, 2004 A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard, which is full and bushy. "Are you the Manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no" he replies. "Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him." she coos, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't," breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to lick them gently. "Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- It was Valentines Day and a little old couple in their eighties were sitting on the couch watching TV. For a lark, the old man switched over to the Playboy Channel. They watched for a few minutes, then he looked at her and asked, "Do you think we can still do that?" "Well, we can sure try!" she answered. So they shuffled off to the bedroom. He went into the bathroom to get ready and she took off all her clothes in the bedroom. When he came out of the bathroom, he saw her standing on her head in the middle of the bedroom floor. "What are you doing, sweetheart?" he asked. "Well," she replied, "I thought if you couldn't get it up, maybe you could just drop it in! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BelgianBoy Posted February 24, 2004 Author Report Share Posted February 24, 2004 There were two homeless men named Tim and Jeff. One sunny day, Tim and Jeff decided that they should go get drunk. So Tim reached into his pocket and pulled out 68 cents. Realizing this would not be enough money to get drunk on, Tim came up with an idea. He grabbed Jeff by the arm and dragged him to the local Hot Dog stand. There they bought a Hot Dog and proceeded to the nearest bar. On the way he explained the plan to Jeff. "Now listen up Jeff," said Tim, "We have to do this perfect in order to get free drinks. We'll walk into a bar and order a drink each, then after we finish the drinks, I'll put the hot dog in my pants and pull it out of my zipper. Then you'll get on your knees suck on the hot dog. When the bartender sees you sucking on the hot dog, he'll think you're sucking on my penis and will throw us out of the bar. Therefore we will end up with free drinks!" "That's a great idea" Jeff said, so they proceeded to the local bars to begin their plan. They went on throughout the day and their plan was working to perfection. They were thrown out of every bar they went into and by the end of the night they were piss drunk. After getting thrown out of their last bar Jeff asked' "Hey Tim, pass me that Hot Dog, I'm kind of hungry now" "Oh sorry, I forgot to tell you," said Tim, "I got hungry after the 2nd bar and I ate it." Cheers ! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lusty Posted February 25, 2004 Report Share Posted February 25, 2004 Q:How do you make a jewish omlette? A:First of all borrow an egg.......... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.