Zaad Posted May 5, 2004 Report Share Posted May 5, 2004 Hi, I have always thought that communication is of the essence, be it in a relationship or work environment in order to deal with complaints, annoyances, misunderstandings or other problems of any kind. Let me get to the point quickly. Whenever I have a complaint or remark about a friend or colleague/boss, either in Thailand or Holland, I simply step up to that person and discuss it in private like adults. That's the way I've always solved problems and I believe that's the way it should be. I've never had any problems with this method here so far, unless it's because I'm a farang? Would this be unacceptable behavior from a Thai? Anyway, my Thai girl can't and my guess is she's not the only one. Whenever there's an issue with her friend or colleague/boss regarding his/her attitude or work(method), she (naturally) needs to get it of her shoulders and tells me what is buggering her. My (only) advice is to communicate with the person in question in order to get rid of the problem instead of avoiding it for X days/weeks/... But that seems to be out of the question as there's too much 'face' and 'kraeng jai' (=minding others' feelings) involved. Ahh fuck! This is not a personal matter. This should be dealt with like adults / professionals who seek for improvements and results for their own sake AND most importantly their customers' / patients' sake and benefit. They should not avoid the problem by giving the 'face issue' or 'kraeng jai' as an excuse. That's IMHO silly, childish and very unprofessional in this case no matter how deep it's printed in their culture and roots. "ahh but you're a farang, you don't understand", she replies. Well, I'm frigging trying to but I'm lost! Can somebody shed some light, please? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shygye Posted May 5, 2004 Report Share Posted May 5, 2004 In general, the Thais are taught not to ask questions in the classroom. Asking questions is considered disrespectful. As for your wifes situation, her boss can make things 10 times worse if he perceives disrespect or loss of face. It is better just to listen to your wifes complaints AND not offer solutions. Its a girl thing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted May 5, 2004 Report Share Posted May 5, 2004 It is also a culture thing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Coss Posted May 5, 2004 Report Share Posted May 5, 2004 What you have described is real and valid and does not go away easily. Kreng Jai is imbedded in Thai culture. My Wi Mee can still not take criticism even after 12 or so years. But I have a solution and that is to address issues on a tangent, to illustrate with another story about someone/thing else. I remember someone describing the concept of Kreng Jai and in that description, if someone was having a problem with the neighbour's dog or kids, he'd take his own dog or kids and give them a good thrashing within earshot of the neighbour, letting the dog or kids know quite loudly what they'd supposedly done wrong, so that the neighbour could hear all about the problem without being directly accused/implicated. This apparently works. Cheers Coss Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted May 5, 2004 Report Share Posted May 5, 2004 Whenever I have a complaint or remark about a friend or colleague/boss, either in Thailand or Holland, I simply step up to that person and discuss it in private like adults. Hello Zaad, what do I do if I have a complaint? It depends: 1) is it important for me? 2) can a discussion of the matter change anything? 3) will it change even if I don't say anything? 4) is it important for the other person? 5) ... Then I either dicuss it with the other person or I just ignore/tolerate it. But even if I tolerate it sometimes I like to tell the matter to friends/family. Firstly it is some sort of releave to share the problem and secondly my friends might have some ideas about it. I don't think that your GF expects a solution from you. It could even be a big mistake to propose a solution!!! Why? Your girl might have a serious problem with someone and she might not be able to solve it in an easy way. Of course she knows what you would do in her situation but she has another character. So if you just tell her that there is an easy solution she might think that you don't take her problems seriously.. That's the way I've always solved problems and I believe that's the way it should be. Have you never met someone who is unable to discuss something? I mean someone who might listen to your complaints but just won't change anything. But instead begins to defend himself. Of course I don't know the exact situation so I can't say if it would be worthy for your girl to try your way. But IMO there are situations in life where the "face" way could be better than a confrontation. Maybe thai people take too much care of their "faces" but IMO in the west people doesn't take care enough about other people feelings. Best regards P.S.: I appreciate very much that my GLG takes care of my feelings..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted May 5, 2004 Report Share Posted May 5, 2004 My Wi Mee can still not take criticism even after 12 or so years. Hmm, my girl can critisize me very openly (but privately). :: Best regards Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Coss Posted May 5, 2004 Report Share Posted May 5, 2004 Oh yes, this is a one way rule, I'm assuming that you are not a Thai husband, as a farang I am obviously open to critcism as it's part of my culture Cheers Coss Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pescator Posted May 5, 2004 Report Share Posted May 5, 2004 Hi Zaad, The main thing here is her thai upbringing for sure, add to that she is a woman. Women are generally not know for addressing these problems as directly as men. I would suggest your read Suadam`s 2 excellent reports on the Career/Finances board - that is if you haven`t already, that would probably shed some further light on the situation. Wouldn`t it be possible for her to have a co-worker adressing the problem on her behalf in a discreet manner? Anyway, I am afraid this is an uphill battle. This Greng Jai concept is deeply rooted in most thai people that I know of. The only way I know to get rid of the feeling of Greng Jai is to take the missus overseas, let her stay abroad for a decade or so. Rest assured that she will now have lost any sign of Greng Jai especially towards the farang population and that definitely includes the husband :: Cheers Hua Nguu Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jasmine Posted May 5, 2004 Report Share Posted May 5, 2004 Hi Zaad, I feel that the way to resolve issues in the USA and Thailand is not much different. Allow me to explain before someone gets excited about this. :: In Thailand it takes time before the direct appraoch is employed, however, in the USA (at least from 28 years of working experience) things are not exatcly directly appraoched either unless the issue is the matter that can cause disaster. Tact is always used, however, the Thai culture requires more tact becuase of "face". I have seen issues are solved in Thailand by recruiting a mediator who is respected by the people involved. A friend of mine who is teaching in Chula said that a "direct way" of approach can be done if ones find a way to save "face", and that is the "only" way to do it, according to her. I find it hard to resolve many issues in Thailand, even find it very hard to get simple things done at times, perhaps I am more impatient than the ones who live in Thailand all the time. I got many things done this time in Thailand involving a few government agencies by being patient and talked nicely. "Honey catches flies more than vinegar", as the saying goes and it works in both cultures, just take more patience in Thailand, IMO. Jasmine Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pattaya127 Posted May 6, 2004 Report Share Posted May 6, 2004 Hua N: Rest assured that she will now have lost any sign of Greng Jai especially towards the farang population and that definitely includes the husband ----------------------------------------- Towards the thais too. I just had my friend's wife throw out all her thai GFs out of her home (invited for the usual snack/gossip), as these Gfs kept telling her how she should lead her life and blahblah.... She stood up and told them she is tbe only one working in the whole bunch and she's had enough of all this "do this, do that" crap. She was feeling pretty good afterwards. I agree with jasmine. i think "face" (how things are done, problems approached) is important in the work place or even social relations in USA. Direct, straightforward approach may happen quite logically, but not really the way to address problems in general. I know, i come from France where we really act up. in USA or Thailand, people would think we're fighting to death and if inquiring/worrying will get blank stares: "fighting???? we are just talking.....". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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