Florida anybody?

[Flashermac]

I remember an occasion years ago when some Noo Yawk Sidy guys were making fun of the way Lyndon Johnson talked. The one Brit present shut them up with his comment that LBJ sounded better to his English ears than their Noo Yawk accents did.

[Flashermac]

Issued by the Southern Tourism Bureau to ALL visiting Northerners and Northeastern Urbanites:

 

 

1. Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It's just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass.

 

2. Don't laugh at our Southern names. (Merleen, Bodie, Malcolm, Luther Ray, Tammy Lynn, Darla Beth, Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy etc.) These people have all been known to kick ass.

 

3. Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down here. Down here it's called Coke. Nobody gives a flying damn whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or whatever . . . it's still a Coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.

 

4. We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g., Welty, Williams, Faulkner, Capote). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies, or we'll kick your ass.

 

5. We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Turner Broadcasting, MCI WorldCom, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do, sometimes, have small lapses in judgment (e.g., Carter, Edwards, Duke, Barnes). We don't care if you think we are dumb. We can still kick your ass.

 

6. Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up the middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving, we'll kick your ass.

 

7. We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up, spend your money, and get the hell out of here, or we'll kick your ass.

 

8. Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know that you're from Ohio. Eat your biscuits like God intended. Don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your ass.

 

9. Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot, and you will get your ass kicked.

 

10. Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we don't give a damn. Many of us have visited Northern hell holes like Detroit, Chicago, and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta is ready when you are. Take your ass home before it gets kicked.

 

11. Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other Southerners understand what we are saying, and that's all that matters. Now go away, or we'll kick your ass.

 

12. Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of OUR lakes have caught fire like scenic Lake Erie once did. Whine about OUR scenic beauty, and we'll kick your ass all the way back into Boston Harbor.

 

13. Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say "sir" and "ma'am," hold doors open for others, and offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little grey-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some manners into your ass just like they did ours.

 

14. So you think we're quaint or losers because most of us live in the countryside? That's because we have enough sense to not live in smelly, crime-infested cesspools like New York or Baltimore. Make fun of our fresh air, and we'll kick your ass.

 

15. Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here trying to tell us how to cook barbecue. This will get your ass shot off (right after it is kicked). You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Question our sacred BBQ, and you go home in a pine box . . . minus your ass.

[..]

:rotfl: :bow: See, that's what I am talking about!

 

But, ewww, do some people *really* put sugar on grits???? Just butter for me thanks.

 

I once counted. There were 188 Waffle Houses on Interstate 75 from the first one in Ohio just south of Dayton to just north of Miami...

 

Cheers,

SD

[Guest lazyphil]

exactly sd, i'll think of a few faggot jokes and post them soon!.....pakistani earthquake joke.....cant remember it fully, something like, the yanks sent blankets, the germans tents, french food rations, the brits sent replacements ::

[..]

OK. BTW, my gay friends find these funny too, so it is OK to laugh...

 

+++++++++

 

The residents of a small redneck town urge the sheriff to arrest the local homosexual. Seems he's been propositioning all the teenage boys in town.

 

The sheriff dutifully arrests the fag and says to him, "OK homo, you got 15 minutes to blow this town!"

 

The fag says, "Oh dear, I think I shall need at least two hours."

 

+++++++++

 

Three ducks went into court. The judge called the first one to the stand.

 

"What is your name?" he asked.

 

"Quack." the duck answered.

 

"And why were you arrested?" the judge asked.

 

"I was blowing bubbles." he answered.

 

The judge didn't see anything wrong with that, so he dismissed the duck and called up the next one.

 

"What's your name?" he asked.

 

"Quack," the duck answered.

 

"Why were you arrested?" the Judge asked.

 

"I was blowing bubbles." the duck replied.

 

Again, the judge saw nothing offensive, so he called up the next duck.

 

"What's your name?? No wait, let me guess, Quack." he said.

 

"No," said the duck, "My name is Bubbles."

 

+++++++++

 

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the bartender, "Give me six double vodkas."

 

The bartender says, "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day." "Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."

 

The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"

 

On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"

 

"Yeah, my wife..."

 

++++++++

 

This man is sitting in a bar and notices two lovely women across the way. He calls the bartender over and says, "I'd like to buy those two ladies a drink."

 

The bartender replies, "It won't do you any good."

 

The man, with a confused look on his face says, "It doesn''t matter, I want to buy those women a drink."

 

The bartender delivers the drinks to the ladies and the ladies acknowledge the drink with a nod of their heads. About a half-hour later, the man approaches the women and says, "I'd like to buy you two another drink."

 

The women both reply, "It won't do you any good."

 

The man says, "I don't understand. What do you mean it won't do me any good?"

 

The first lady says, "We're lesbians."

 

The man replies, "Lesbians? What are lesbians?"

 

The second woman replies, "Lesbians... We like to lick pussies."

 

The man says, "Bartender, three beers for us lesbians."

 

+++++

 

Howzat?

 

Cheers,

SD

[BelgianBoy]

suadum said:Howzat?

Remind me to buy you a drink next time, you lesbian !

 

BB

[dean]

This isn't fair. Being in the u.S., I miss all the fun members living in LOS have while the rest of us are asleep. Going back to the original topic, I lucked out by going to Key West at the end of September. I wouldn't be happy a camper if I was planning on going to Fantasy Fest Week which should have been going on now. Suadom, by your comment, does that mean that you are Irish?

[Guest lazyphil]

No SD is a yank but as most yanks cant get over this I'm part Irish part greek part Navajo, part kalimantan etc etc!!...I'm English but I could go into my Viking, Norman etc background English will suffice!

[packy]

FLORIDA, REDNECK!! How dare you Yankees think we are not REDNECKS! I sit here on the area called the REDNECK RIVERIA. White sugar sand Beaches clad with Thongs little more than dental floss and Emeralde waters lined with GULLIBLE YANKEES wanting their piece of PARADISE. Strip clubs displaying the local Ladies have been forced to be dressed in Bikinis while it is also well known that you can see much more at the beach.

 

We don't call the Conservative Christians that down here. WE call them BIBLE THUMPERS. I have a friend that owns an "ESCORT SERVICE". If it wasn't for the Bible Thumpers, she would have to go out of business. They are her best CUSTOMERS. Can I spell Hipprocrite?

 

Every Labor Day, The Gay Lesbian Groups hold their annual get together just about ten miles from here. It is also the same time that "Bubba" and his cousins, brothers have their annual picnic close by. Then the fun begins!

 

All of you Yankees, Come on down. Bring that hard earned money. Buy some SWAMP land! Put a Mobile home on it, join in on the fun, Every LABOR DAY!

 

We do not own snow shovels in Florida although they can be used as canoe paddles!!

[packy]

Redneck If you think that a redneck is in anyway connected with those bigots that hide under sheets and burn crosses, let me tell you that being a Redneck does not mean you burn crosses and wear sheets. An Afro-American can be a REDNECK.

 

A redneck will do whatever it takes to earn a living for his family.

 

Me? I'm a Redneck. UNEDCATED? Perhaps by some standards, but on my last job I had one Master Degree in Electrical Engineering and Four that had Bachelor Degree working under me. So while I may not have the piece of paper to hang on the wall, I've got the education or "LARNIN" .