Guest Posted October 20, 2001 Report Share Posted October 20, 2001 I have seen here in the US and from people talking on this board that marriage seems to be filled with a lot of frustration for the male. In the west definitely but sometimes with Asian women also. Its just not as bad... I know this board will probably have its share of broken marriages and skewed statistics because of the nature of the board. I still wonder though. What do you think about my "average scenario" You meet a nice woman. Your relationship progresses. You finally feel this is the one. She is beautiful. Pays attention to herself. She does all those neat things and you are in bliss. That secretary who would not go out with you in the past is now insignificant. You don't even look at her anymore. You get married. The sex is great for awhile. After a few months she gets pregnant. Ok now you are in trouble... The sex starts to slow. She starts to get fat. She starts to want you to understand her mood swings. The secretary at your job is flirting with you now that you are married. You glance at her again in the mornings on the way into the office. Your mind starts to wander... Your wife has the baby. Sex has all but stopped. She says she can't go to the gym because she is taking care of the baby. She gets fatter. The secretary gets sexier... The marriage goes on and you wake up every morning miserable and the wife does not care. Wow has she changed... You perservere though. She is not meeting you halfway. Sex, when given, is a chore now for the wife. Commonly known in LOS as "starfish". Wow your wife is now going starfish on you! You may have one more kid. Now she is really Mrs. mom and not Mrs. you! You are a vehicle to pay the bills and go to functions you really want to say "hell no I am not going to that!". The secretary knows you want her and she wants you now. You can't do anything about it. Life presses on and you get older. You sleep together but in the literal sense only. When acually having sex, it is the equivalent of a peace summit after a lenghty cold war... Very stuffy and prefabricated. You start buying girlie magazines and taking a few in the bathroom every once in a while. Who can blame you? Sex has turned into the equivalent of saltine crackers dipped in tap water. You only eat to live... You finally let your guard down, you screw the secretary. Someone at the job finds out and tells your wife. Oh no! She wants a divorce. You are busted, horrible! The women at the job kind of lower thier eyes at you now. The fellas understand but they are married too and powerless to help you. You wonder why you introduced their wives to yours. Now they tell their husbands how much of a jerk you are. The fellas have the "better him than me" syndrome... You are suddenly alone in all this. Now you must move out and you must pay a lawyer. She wins the case hands down. She gets the house, the car, the kids and half of the bank account. You also have child support and alimony and can see your children only on weekends. The secretary has now lost interest in you. The boss is now screwing her. You move into an apartment and start over. You are older and not as desirable. You start frequenting bars. And now have a stack of girlie mags that even Hugh Hefner would envy. Then your friend, who seems happier than most (and is not married by the way), suggests going on a trip with him to LOS "its what you need" he says. You go and have a blast. He must stop you from changing your ticket!!! You know you will be back. "What have I been doing all these years" you ask yourself. You start looking forward to the day when the ol' battleax gets remarried to some poor sucker and the kid turns 18. Free of encumberances you are young again. You now understand that there is life outside the west... You only wonder why you have waited so long... To live... Now that maybe a little harsh but that is how I think a lot of marriages go, minus the storyline. Maybe not to a "t" but some variation thereof. I used the storyline to add a little flavor to your reading. So fellas (and I may start a poll) is marriage really worth the risks??? Mykal Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PhordPhan Posted October 20, 2001 Report Share Posted October 20, 2001 Mykal, Have you ever been married? Is this from personal experience? If so, you've been royally screwed. If not, you don't know much about marriage. In a scenario like the one you present, with two immature, selfish parties, it's my opinion that the guy married the girl for all the wrong reasons. Good sex and beauty are all the wrong reasons for marriage and any marriage based solely upon those two items will surely fail. IMO, people should not get married before age 25-30 and should spend at least two years getting to know one another's personalities before moving in together and tying the knot. That way you can more reasonably assure yourself that your chosen has a compatible personality. This is the most important facet of a successful marriage. The next is maturity and that's where the age comes in. Any wife, after a couple of kids, is not going to look or act like she did when you first got hitched. A mature man understands this, a child does not. I suspect the man in your scenario wasn't the perfect physical specimen after several years of marriage, either. After several years of marriage your sex will not be as often as you, the man, would like it. But it can be every bit as good as in the earlier stages. The sex frequency is replaced by a "bonding" of the two people. Your personalities complement one another and she truly becomes an inseparable part of you. This comes about through maturity, commitment and compatibility, not by getting married just so you can have steady sex or a trophy. Anyway, FWIW, this is not a flame. It just appears that anyone who truly thinks like this has a fundamental misunderstanding of the institution of marriage. PhordPhan Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted October 20, 2001 Report Share Posted October 20, 2001 quote: Originally posted by mykal: The secretary at your job is flirting with you now that you are married.. Don't you hate this? Women, when they know you can't have it they will turn it on! It must be some cruel joke that our makers put into the female design just to make things harder. Good post... and a fair question, one that I can't answer though because I've never been married. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted October 20, 2001 Report Share Posted October 20, 2001 PhorPhan, just a story I put together encompassing everything I have heard in marriages that are failing or failed. Those marriages where the man expressed to me what was happening. A compilation of the bad experiences I have heard. I am not inclined to believe all marriages are like that. Quite the contrary, I believe that most are less volatile. However, there are many people and posters on this board who cheat, want their wife to disappear, have AGREEMENTS with their wife involving retirement in Pattaya??? Why get married then? Dan: I hate that too although I experienced it with a girlfriend not a wife. They do it because of the I can't have it so I want it... Ill never figure that one out. The question is do you take advantage??? Mykal Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted October 20, 2001 Report Share Posted October 20, 2001 Great post Mykal. What didn't make your compilation is that divorces don't just happen in a jiffy. Usually, they are preceded by a few years of living hell. Also not illustrated in the story is the damage to the kids and their resentment of it. You know, the ex-wife starts dating idiot assholes who resent the kids' existence, the kids start flunking out of school, doing drugs....the ex moves and takes the kid 1,000 miles away, etc. I don't know where PhordPhan's perspective is coming from? Does he write scripts for Christian radio drama skits? "After several years of marriage your sex will not be as often as you, the man, would like it. But it can be every bit as good as in the earlier stages." NO WAY! Society has a tremendous vested interest in brainwashing men into believing this, and I do wish it was true. But, it just ain't so. It's like having a nice steak every night of the week. Yeah, for a while it tastes great, but then it starts to get pretty damn tiring and unexciting. Bonding, shmonding. Before marriage, a man should complete a lifetime's worth of sanuking, because even long GF relationships ripen into sodden sanukless deprivation. Yawn. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted October 20, 2001 Report Share Posted October 20, 2001 “However, there are many people and posters on this board who cheat, want their wife to disappear, have AGREEMENTS with their wife involving retirement in Pattaya??? Why get married then?” Mykal Well said. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PhordPhan Posted October 20, 2001 Report Share Posted October 20, 2001 quote: Originally posted by vtombrown: I don't know where PhordPhan's perspective is coming from? Does he write scripts for Christian radio drama skits? "After several years of marriage your sex will not be as often as you, the man, would like it. But it can be every bit as good as in the earlier stages." NO WAY! Speak for yourself, Tom. PhordPhan Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PhordPhan Posted October 20, 2001 Report Share Posted October 20, 2001 quote: Originally posted by mykal: PhorPhan, just a story I put together encompassing everything I have heard in marriages that are failing or failed. Those marriages where the man expressed to me what was happening. A compilation of the bad experiences I have heard. I am not inclined to believe all marriages are like that. Quite the contrary, I believe that most are less volatile. However, there are many people and posters on this board who cheat, want their wife to disappear, have AGREEMENTS with their wife involving retirement in Pattaya??? Why get married then? Mykal, Yes, it did sound like a litany of all marriage problems. So many of them are caused by selfishness/immaturity of one or both parties. Hence my point about finding compatibility and not rushing into things. Vtom's cynicism notwithstanding, Mrs. Phord and I get on quite nicely both in and out of the bedroom. She puts up with my Thailand obsession, I put up with her faults. Nobody/nothing's perfect. She knows I'm committed to her and the BGs are strictly "business." Perhaps I'm luckier than most in that regard, but I believe the main principles of my argument still stand. You don't have to be miserable if you're married. PhordPhan Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted October 20, 2001 Report Share Posted October 20, 2001 "She knows I'm committed to her and the BGs are strictly "business." PhordPhan Without flaming but my interpretation of commitment is different. Commitment to each other in a marriage means NO ROOM for “strictly business” as you indicated. Your statement does remind me on what Bill C. did tell during his impeachment trial as he said: “I did not lie, but I did not volunteer information”. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PhordPhan Posted October 20, 2001 Report Share Posted October 20, 2001 quote: Originally posted by Dundee: "She knows I'm committed to her and the BGs are strictly "business." PhordPhan Without flaming but my interpretation of commitment is different. Commitment to each other in a marriage means NO ROOM for “strictly business” as you indicated. Your statement does remind me on what Bill C. did tell during his impeachment trial as he said: “I did not lie, but I did not volunteer information”. Dundee, Thanks for the comments. Your point is well taken. However, I'm not here to define commitment, simply comment on why so many marriages are miserable, which was the point of the original post. Your commitment to your wife may be different than mine, but that's none of my beeswax. My commitment also involves a piece of paper, a ring and 50% of my assets, so my money is where my mouth is... That my wife accepts my obsession with TBGs shows her to be far more compatible and level-headed than the average American woman. It may not be everybody's cup of Rosie but it works for us, and that's what matters. But, again, that's beside the point. I see absolutely no parallel with Bill Clinton. I have never lied about this to anybody, I have never asked others to lie about this. My affection for Thailand is well-known by all my friends and most of my business associates. And I never sent bombers to wipe out aspirin factories in order to divert attention from myself. PhordPhan Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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