limbo Posted July 27, 2007 Report Share Posted July 27, 2007 From a friends blog; Jeremy Clarkson classics Found these comments from the legend that is Jeremy Clarkson. This post will only really be appreciated by the British folks here, or those who know about Jeremy Clarkson and the â??Top Gearâ? motoring show on the BBC. Please forgive any duplicates here: â??Iâ??m sorry, but having a DB9 on the drive and not driving it is a bit like having Keira Knightley in your bed and sleeping on the couch. If youâ??ve got even half a scrotum itâ??s not going to happen.â? â??We start tonight with the highlight of my childhood. Itâ??s the Ladybird Book of Motorcars from 1963, and as you would imagine itâ??s full of rubbish really. Just endless boring grey shapes, until you get to page 40, where you find the Maserati 3500 GT. Now this for me, when I was little, was like kind of Jordan and Cameron Diaz. In a bath together. With a Lightning jet fighter. And lots of jelly.â? â??[about Porsche Cayman S] There are many things Iâ??d rather be doing than driving it, including waiting for Bernard Manning to come off stage in a sweaty nightclub, and then licking his back cleanâ? â?¦â?Âthe last time someone was as wrong as you, was when a politician stepped off an aeroplane in 1939 waving a piece of paper in the air saying there will be no war with Germanyâ? â??America: 250 million w****rs living in a country with no word for **********â? On the Alfa Romeo Breraâ?¦ â??I only have to imagine this in black, with tan leather and Iâ??m nursing a semi!â? Illustrating the lack of power of a Boxster - â??It couldnâ??t pull a greased stick out of a pigâ??s bottomâ?? On the Vauxhall Vectra VXR: â??there is a word to describe this car: it begins with â??sâ? and ends with â??tâ? and its not â??sootâ?Â. Hammond:â?ÂSo its fairly terrible then?â? Clarkson:â?ÂOh noâ?¦losing your leg is fairly terrible: this is another league of badness!â? â??some say, that he used to throw microwave ovens at homeless people - and that he long before anyone else realised that jade goody is a racist pig faced waste of blood and organsâ?¦â?¦â?¦â?¦all we know, is that heâ??s called the Stig!â? â??the Suzuki Wagon R should be avoided like unprotected sex with an Ethiopian transvestiteâ? â??Speed has never killed anyone; suddenly becoming stationaryâ?¦ thatâ??s what gets you.â? â??The air conditioning in Lambos used to be an asthmatic sitting in the dashboard blowing at you through a strawâ?? â??Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more comfortable. More comfortable than whatâ?¦ BEING STABBED?â? â??The only person to ever look good in the back of a 4-seater convertable was Adolf Hitlerâ? (Fed up during the caravaning trip) â??You arenâ??t allowed to have a party, you arenâ??t allowed to have music, you arenâ??t allowed to play ball games, you arenâ??t allowed to have a camp fire, you have to park within two feet of a post, you have to keep quiet, you have to be in bed by eleven. This is not a holiday, itâ??s a concentration camp!â? â??This is the Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers. Not that thatâ??s much to shout about. Thatâ??s like saying â??Ooh good Iâ??ve got syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted diseases.â?Â" (mercedes CLs55) â??Braking in this car is so brutal, it would be less painful to actually hit the tree you were trying to miss.â? â??I donâ??t understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places quicker than I do?â? Clarksons highway code on cyclists: â??trespassers in the motorcars domain, they do not pay road tax and therefore have no right to be on the road, some of them even believe they are going fast enough to not be an obstruction. Run them down to prove them wrongâ?? â??I was reading The Mirror the other day and came across a letter from a reader who wrote, â??I was riding my bike to work when this red Ferrari pulled up next to me. Out of the window, Jeremy Clarkson shouted â??Get a carâ??, and drove off.â?? What I actually said was, â??Get a car you hatchet faced, leaf-eating N**iâ? â??Britianâ??s nuclear submarines have been deemed unsafeâ?¦probably because they donâ??t have wheel-chair accessâ? 1) â??If we are being honest HIV is a pathetic virus, it can only live in the air for 6seconds and it does what ebola does to you in 10days in 10yearsâ? 2) â??Mandela just doesnâ??t deserve his pedestal, Iâ??m mean the blokes a bit dodgyâ? 3) On Mandelaâ??s claim that Cuba is a good advert for democracy!!! â??Well Mr Mandela why donâ??t you go and ask one of the 12 year old cuban prostitutes which way her parents votedâ? â??Now we get quite a lot of complaints that we donâ??t feature enough affordable cars on the showâ?¦â?¦so weâ??ll kick off tonight with the cheapest Ferrari of them all!â? On the Lotus Elise: â??This car is more fun than the entire french air force crashing into a firework factoryâ? â??Now as you can see I lost the battle to have two engines on the back because of three very important reasons. One: weight. This is 600 Lbs and thatâ??s the same as having a whole American sitting on the tailgateâ?¦â? â??I would still buy the DB9 over this, and save myself the £60,000. The problem with this car is its gearbox, its justâ?¦â?¦..â? Hammond:â?ÂTHAT bad is it?â? Clarkson:â?ÂOh no. Robert Mugabe is bad, this is in a whole different league!â? In the olden days I always got the impression that TVR built a car, put it on sale, and then found out how it handled. Usually when one of their customers wrote to the factory complaining about how dead he was. â??the DB9 has rear seats but no mammal yet created, not even when God was on the LSD trip that gave us the pink flamingo, could fit into them.â? Assessing Hammondâ??s crash: Clarkson:â?Âyou can see from the tape that the tyre is starting to come apart. now why didnt you spot that?!â? Hammond:â?ÂI had a lot on: i was doing 288 mph.â? Clarkson: â??What do you mean you had a lot on? I can be in the office on the phone, doining the paperwork, kids are shouting at me, wife etc, if a lion walks in, Iâ??m going to notice it!â? â??Sure itâ??s quiet, for a diesel. But thatâ??s like being well-behavedâ?¦ for a murderer.â? â??I dont often agree with the RSPCA as i believe it is an animals duty to be on my plate at supper timeâ? â??there are footballers wives that would be happy with this quality of stitchingâ?¦ on their faceâ? â??Racing cars which have been converted for road use never really work. Itâ??s like making a hard core adult film, and then editing it so that it can be shown in British hotels. Youâ??d just end up with a sort of half hour close up of some blokeâ??s sweaty face. â?? â??Much more of a hoot to drive than you might imagine. Think of it, if you like, as a librarian with a G-string under the tweed. I do, and it helps.â? â??you cant have this car with a diesel, its like saying, i wont go to stringfellows tonight, ill get my mum to give me a lapdance, shes a woman!â? â??During the break we got complaints that we donâ??t show enough green cars so hereâ??s oneâ?¦â? Pointing to a Lamborghini Murcielagoâ?¦ in bright green Tonight, the new Viper, which is the American equivalent of a sports carâ?¦ in the same way, I guess, that George Bush is the equivalent of a President. Jeremy said this of the Porsche Cayenne! â??Honestly, I have seen more attractive gangrenous wounds than this. It has the sex appeal of a camel with gingivitis.â? Motoring in Gereral: * We all know that small cars are good for us. But so is cod liver oil. And jogging. * (Referring to the Porsche Cayenne) 0-60 takes 5 and a half secondsâ?¦and about 17 gallons of fuelâ?¦. * (At start of Top Gear Nov. 2005 season, after a teaser featuring dozens of supercars) welcome to Greenpeace! * A turbo, exhaust gasses go into the turbocharger and spin it, with a supercharger, air goes in,witchcraft happens and you go faster. * This is the latest S Class. Now availiable with a very economical: Twin-turbo, Six litreâ?¦ I dont mean economical do I? Thats the wrong wordâ?¦ * I do apologize, we have wasted your evening, there are no good Korean or Malaysian cars. * You know? Thats the nineteenth caravan weâ??ve destroyed on this progamme in 12 months. * If I had to nitpick, and obviously I do. * At this point the Germans are propably rolling around on the floor laughing, So: â??Ze tommies have made ein car out of spit und kleenex, zhey will be crushed.â? (Testing the MG SV prototype) * Owning a TVR in the past was like owning a bear, I mean it was great, until it pulled your head off, which it would. One day, it would pull your head off. * In the olden days I always got the impression that TVR built a car, put it on sale, and then found out how it handled. Usually when one of their customers wrote to the factory complaining about how dead he was. * Supercars are supposed to run over Arthur Scargill and then run over him again for good measure. They are designed to melt ice caps, kill the poor, poison the water table, destroy the ozone layer, decimate indigenous wildlife, recapture the Falkland Islands and turn the entire third world into a huge uninhabitable desert, all that before they nicked all the oil in the world * That means, a Range Rover, doing 10,000 miles a year, produces less pollution a day then a cow farting(While discussing about â??Methane as a global warming agentâ?Â) * This is a Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers. Not thatâ??s much to shout about. Thatâ??s like saying, â??Ooh good, Iâ??ve got Syphilis, the best of the sexually transmitted diseases. * The only reason anyone bought the old Land Rover Discovery was because they couldnâ??t afford a Range Rover. * As a result, it weighs 2.7 tonnnes - and that makes it heavier than a Rolls-Royce Phantom. Itâ??s so heavy, that if you were to load it up with stuff, and then hitch up a trailor to the back; technically, you need an LGV licence. * Itâ??s really as useful, as a snooze button on a smoke alarm. (Regarding the adjustable suspension in the Bentley Continental GT) Praise for cars * Iâ??d like to consider Ferrari as a scaled down version of God. * The Ferrari 355 is like a quailâ??s egg dipped in celery salt and served in Julia Robertsâ?? belly button. * (On the Alfa Romeo Brera) Think of it as Angelina Jolie. Youâ??ve heard sheâ??s mad and eats nothing but wallpaper paste. But you would, wouldnâ??t you? * (On the Brera again, talking about a version with a slow 0-60mph time and a big price tag) Itâ??s like Cameron Diaz. You know sheâ??s a vegetarian, you know sheâ??s a commited eco-mentalistâ?¦ would you say no? * The Caterham may only have 250 bhp, but you have to remember that it weighs about the sameâ?¦..as a j-cloth. * If this car was a breakfast. It would be cornflakes on toast. * (On the Mercedes CLS55 AMG)It sounds like Barry White eating wasps. * Aston Martin DB9â?¦ thatâ??s not really a racing car, thatâ??s just pornography. * (Ariel Atom) This is driving Nirvana! You can forget anything youâ??ve ever driven, anything. There is no car, nothing on four wheels, that is as fast as this. * The most Hard core BMW ever made. (M3 CSL) * (about the Ferrari F40) And what I love is that when youâ??re on the over-run, and you take your foot of the throttle, listen!â?¦ there are these huge bouncesâ?¦ just dumps great wads of unburnt fuel into the exhaustâ?¦ FOR FUN! * (test driving a Turbo Bentley through a cloud of rubber smoke) Itâ??s like Blenheim Palace on wheels! Damnation for cars * Telling people at a dinner party you drive a Nissan Almera is like telling them youâ??ve got the ebola virus and youâ??re about to sneeze. * The old DB7, that was justâ?¦a Jag in Dragâ?¦it was an XJS in a party frock. This (the Aston-Martin DB9) is completely differentâ?¦ * No, no, no. Thereâ??s no such thing as cheap and cheerful. Itâ??s cheap and nasty & expensive and cheerful. (referring to Proton Savvy) * Iâ??d rather go to work on my hands and knees than drive there in a Ford Galaxy; Whoever designed the Ford Galaxy upholstery had a cauliflower fixation; I would rather have a vasectomy than buy a Ford Galaxy. * You do not just avoid the Suzuki Wagon R. You avoid it like you would avoid unprotected sex with an Ethiopian transvestite. * (about the Ford GT40) Was this the greatest hypercar of them all? Well, thatâ??s a question Iâ??ve never really been able to answer, because the GT40 is 40 inches tallâ?¦ and Iâ??m not. * Racing cars which have been converted for road use never really work. Itâ??s like making a hard core adult film, and then editing it so that it can be shown in British hotels. Youâ??d just end up with a sort of half hour close up of some blokeâ??s sweaty face. * (On cars at a Max Power show) Most of these cars will do 0-60 onceâ?¦.and then theyâ??ll blow up. * What did the Morris Marina compete against?â?¦ walking?â?¦ the bus? * Deciding which one is worse (the Austin Allegro or Morris Marina), is like deciding which leg youâ??d rather have amputated. * (about the Ford Escort) Itâ??s powered by engines so rough, even Moulinex wouldnâ??t use them. * Whenever Iâ??m suffering from Insomnia, I just look at a picture of a Toyota Camry and Iâ??m straight off. * Usually, a Range Rover would be beaten away from the lights by a diesel powered wheelbarrow. * (about the Renault Clio V6) I think the problem is that itâ??s Frenchâ?¦ Itâ??s a surrender monkey. * It costs Volkswagen 200 pounds to buy a set of four fuel injectors for the Golf diesel. Kia could propably make a couple of cars for that. * This is for every time Iâ??ve caught you dawdling at junctions, this is for every time Iâ??ve caught you doing 4 miles per hour in a motorway. This is PAYBACK TIME!! (Clarkson shouting at a Volvo 340 seconds before it is put through a crusher) * This is a Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers. Not that thatâ??s much to shout about. Thatâ??s like saying â??Oh good, Iâ??ve got syphilis, the best of the sexually transmitted diseases!â?? * This pramâ??s turning circle is tighter than Thrifty McThriftâ??s Book of Belt-Tightening for Boys! * (about the Chevrolet Corvette Z06) In many ways then this car is like herpes. Great fun catching it but not so much fun live with every day. * (on the McLaren F1 in his movie, Most Outragous) I respect it enourmously, in the same way I respected my old head master. But we never became friends. On Britain * We were brought up on a diet of drizzle and fish fingers and we built the biggest empire the world has ever seen. * Weâ??re not really a nation of zinc kitchen surfaces and brushed aluminium; weâ??re more a nation of Wetherspoons, and Heat Magazine andâ?¦ chlamydia. * Possibly, just possibly, the Spitfire is the greatest machine ever made. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Torneyboy Posted July 27, 2007 Report Share Posted July 27, 2007 Good show it is on cable tv down here.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OCgringo Posted July 27, 2007 Report Share Posted July 27, 2007 I hope the spitfire he is talking about is the Airplane and not the ugly sports car ! OC Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mekong Posted July 27, 2007 Report Share Posted July 27, 2007 :thumbup: Got to Love JC, even Gods son had the same initials as him (for the believers out there.) There is one of his greatest ever statements missing from the list, the one that got him banned from TV for a couple of years because of the feminists. "This Car has So musch Sex Apeall it could snap knicker elastic at 100 paces" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MooNoi Posted July 27, 2007 Report Share Posted July 27, 2007 He got banned for THAT? Good grief... what's the world coming to? But a seriously funny bloke, and seriously good show :thumbup: Glad Richard Hammond made it through ok too. :thumbup: :thumbup: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Faustian Posted July 27, 2007 Report Share Posted July 27, 2007 A 'national treasure' to be sure. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Faustian Posted July 27, 2007 Report Share Posted July 27, 2007 A 'national treasure' to be sure. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Julian2 Posted July 27, 2007 Report Share Posted July 27, 2007 What's a N**i? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
David99UK Posted July 27, 2007 Report Share Posted July 27, 2007 Nazi Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Julian2 Posted July 28, 2007 Report Share Posted July 28, 2007 Of course, silly me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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