Any New Jokes

[canadalad]

A blonde grabbed a large thermos and hurried to a nearby coffee shop. She held up the thermos and the coffee shop worker quickly came over to take her order.

"Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?" the blonde asked.

The coffee shop worker looked at the thermos, hesitated a few seconds, then finally replied, "Yeah, it looks like about six cups to me."

"Oh good!" The blonde sighed in relief. "Then give me two regular, two black, and two decaf."

[canadalad]

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the 'no haggle' attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, 'Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!'

 

The shopkeeper said, 'By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!'

 

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand.

 

Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.

 

The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out, 'Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either! :smirk:

[canadalad]

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Conversations overheard between pilots and Air Traffic Control

 

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"

 

Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

************************************************** ******************************

******************

 

Tower: "American 2341, for noise abatement, turn right 45 degrees."

 

Amer.2341: Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

 

Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 737?

************************************************** ******************************

******************

 

>From an unknown aircraft waiting in a VERY long take-off queue: "I'm f....ing bored!"

 

Tower: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"

 

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f....ing bored, not f.....ing stupid!"

************************************************** ******************************

******************

 

Ohare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."

 

United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the Little Fokker in sight."

************************************************** ******************************

****************

 

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"

 

Student: "When I was number one for take-off."

************************************************** ******************************

*****************

 

A 757 had come in a little "hot" and thus had an exceedingly long roll-out after touching down.

 

San Jose Tower noted: "Delta 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

************************************************** ******************************

******************

 

There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked."

 

ATC told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.

 

Jock: "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."

************************************************** ******************************

*****************

 

Taxiing down the tarmac, a United 777 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was the problem?"

 

Flight attendant: "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," she explained. "It took us a while to find a new pilot."

************************************************** ******************************

****************

 

A United 767 flight waiting for start clearance in Frankfurt overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

 

Ground: (in English) "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

 

Lufthansa: (in English) "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"

 

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful proper British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."

************************************************** ******************************

****************

 

Tower: "Delta 702, cleared for take-off, contact Departure on frequency 124.7."

 

Delta 702: "Tower, Delta 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway"

 

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for take off behind Delta 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Delta 702?

 

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for take off, roger; and yes, we copied Delta...we've already notified our caterers."

************************************************** ******************************

*****************

 

The German ATC at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. It was with some amusement, that we, a British Airline 707 listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt Ground Control and a British Airways 707, call sign Speedbird 206. Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

 

Ground: "Speedbird 206, taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

 

The BA 707 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop. Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

 

BA 206: "Stand-by Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

 

Ground: (With quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

 

BA 206: "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark,---and I didn't land."

************************************************** ******************************

*****************

 

While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a USAir flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a Continental 757. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the USAir crew, screaming: "USAir 2771, where are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

 

Continuing her tirade to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you and how I tell you! YOU GOT THAT, US AIR 2771?"

 

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

 

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of USAir 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.

 

Just then, an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

[canadalad]

Sounds familiar?

 

 

How to shower like a woman

 

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry

basket according to whites and coloureds. Walk to

bathroom wearing long dressing gown.

 

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed

areas.

 

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make

mental note to do more sit-ups.

 

Get in shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth,

long loofah, wide loofah and pumicestone.

 

Wash hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43

added vitamins. Wash hair again to make sure it is

clean.

 

Condition hair with grapefruit mint conditioner

enhanced with natural avocado oil, leave on hair for

15 minutes.

 

Wash face with crushed apricot facial, scrub for 10

minutes until red.

 

Wash entire rest of body with ginger-nut and jaffa

cake body wash. Shave armpits and legs.

 

Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in

shower, spray mould spots with Tilex.

 

Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small

country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

 

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel

on head. If you see husband along the way, cover any

exposed areas.

 

 

 

How to shower like a man

 

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed

leave in a pile.

 

Walk naked to the bathroom if you see wife along the

way - shake knob at her making woo-hoo sound.

 

Look at manly physique in the mirror, admire size of

knob and scratch your ass.

 

Get in the shower.

 

Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Blow your nose in

your hands and let the water rinse it off.

 

Make fart noises (real or artifical) and laugh at how

loud they sound in the shower.

 

Spend majority of time washing privates and

surrounding area. Wash your bum, leaving four pubes

stuck on the soap.

 

Shampoo hair. Make shampoo mohawk. Pee.

 

Rinse off and get out of the shower. Partially dry

off.

 

Fail to notice water on the floor. Admire knob size in

mirror again. Leave shower door open, leave wet mat on

the floor, leave light and fan on.

 

Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass

wife, pull off towel, shake knob at her and make

woo-hoo noise. Again.

 

Throw wet towel on bed.

[canadalad]

A ten-year-old Jewish boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis; but to no avail. Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school. They had their doubts about putting their Jewish son in a private Catholic school, but thought his education came first.

After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face. He went straight past them, right to his room and quietly closed the door.

 

For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime.

 

This pattern of behavior continued until it was time for the first quarter's report card. The boy walked in with it unopened, laid it on the dinner table and went straight to his room.

 

Cautiously, his mother opened it and, to her amazement, she saw a large red 'A' under the subject of Math. Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at his remarkable progress.

"Was it the nuns that did it?" the father asked. The boy shook his head and said "No."

 

"Was it the one-to-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?"

 

"No."

 

"The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?"

 

"No", said the son. "On that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I KNEW they were serious!"

[canadalad]

I dont know if these are the latest Darwin awards,but if not,they should be!

 

1.) A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline>with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.

 

2.) Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.

 

3.) A 22-year-old, Glade Drive, Reston, VA, man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped one end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground," Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was "Major trauma."

 

4.) A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend, no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate, was hospitalized.

 

5.) Employee in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas presumed a leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building extinguishing all potential sources of ignition: lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two "technicians" from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of the warehouse up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter, being at the exact center of the resulting blast, was virtually untouched by the explosion. The "technician" suspected of causing the blast, had never been thought of by his peers as "all there."

 

And the Winner:

 

6.) Based on a bet by the other members of his golfing threesome, Everett Sanchez tried to wash his own "balls" in a ball washer at the local golf course. Proving once again that beer and testosterone are a bad mix, Sanchez managed to straddle the ball washer and dangle his scrotum in the machine. Much to his dismay, one of his buddies upped the ante by spinning the crank on the machine with Sanchez's scrotum in place, thus wedging them solidly in the mechanism. Sanchez, who immediately passed his threshold of pain, collapsed and tumbled from his perch. Unfortunately for Sanchez, the post of the ball washer was more than strong enough to support his body weight, and his sack was the weakest link. Sanchez's scrotum was ripped open during the fall, and one testicle was plucked from him forever and remained in the ball washer, while the other testicle was compressed and flattened as it was pulled between the housing of the washer, and the rotating machinery inside. To add insult to injury, Sanchez then broke a new $300.00 graphite shaft driver that he had just purchased from the pro shop, and was attempting to use as a cane. Sanchez was rushed to the hospital for surgery, and the remaining threesome was asked to leave the course.

 

This last one wouldn't normally count, because the golfer didn't die. But because he cannot reproduce as a result of his qualifying act of stupidity, we have allowed it.

 

[canadalad]

 

 

 

Soon to be the #1 game show in the UK

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The UK and immigrants

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

Good morning and welcome to a brand new edition of ASYLUM.

 

Todays programme features another chance to take part in our exciting

competition....

 

Hi-jack an airliner and win a council house. We've already given away

hundreds of millions of pounds and thousands of dream homes, courtesy

of our

sponsor, The British Taxpayer, and don't forget, we're now the fastest

growing game on the planet.

 

Anyone can play, provided they don't hold a valid British Passport. You

Only need to know one word of English "ASYLUM".

 

Prizes include all expenses paid accommodation, cash benefits starting

at

£180 a week and a chance to earn thousands more begging, mugging and

accosting drivers at traffic lights.

 

This competition is open to everyone buying a ticket or stowing away on

one of our partner airlines, ferry companies or eurostar. No

application

ever refused!!

 

All you have to do is destroy all your papers and remember the magic

password: ASYLUM.

 

Only a few weeks ago 140 members of the Taliban family from Afghanistan

Were flown goat class from Kabul to our international gateway at

Stanstead

where local law enforcement officers were on hand to fastrack them to

their

luxury £200 a night rooms in the fabulous four star Hilton Hotel.

 

They join tens of thousands of other lucky winners already staying in

hostels all over Britain. Our most popular destinations include the

White

Cliffs of Dover, the world famous Toddington Services area in historic

Bedfordshire and the money tree at Croydon.

 

If you still don't understand the rules, don't forget there's no need

to

phone a friend or ask the audience.

 

Just apply for legal aid!! hundreds of lawyers, social workers and

counsellors are waiting to help, it won't cost you a penny.

 

So play today. It could change your life forever.

 

Iraqi terrorists, Afghan dissidents, Albanian gangsters, pro-Pinochet

activists, anti-pinochet activists, Kosovan drug smugglers, Tamil

tigers,

bogus Bosnians, COME ON DOWN!!

 

Be one of the tens of thousands of lucky winners in the softest game on

earth. Roll up, roll up my friends for the game that never ends.

Everyone's a winner when they play ASYLUM.

 

 

[canadalad]

Each day a college professor starts his class off with a dirty joke, usually derogatory towards women.

 

One day all the women in the class decide that the next time he does it, theyâ??re just going to get up and leave the class, in protest, without saying anything. A male student overhears them planning this, and notifies the teacher.

 

The professor opens the next class with, â??Did you hear about the shortage of whores in Russia?â? And sure enough all the females get up and hurry to the door to leave.

 

The professor shouts, â??Wait! The boat doesnâ??t leave â??till Monday!â?Â

[canadalad]

 

 

 

The New President of the USA

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Washington DC - Congress today announced that the Office of President of the United States will be outsourced to overseas as of December 31st, the end of this fiscal year. The move is being made to save $400K a year in salary, a record $521 Billion in deficit expenditures and related overhead.

 

"The cost savings will be quite significant" says Congressman Adam Smith (R-Wash) who, with the aid of Congress research arm, the General Accounting Office has studied outsourcing of American jobs extensively.

 

"We simply can no longer afford this level of outlay and remain competitive on the world stage,"

 

Congressman Smith said. Exporting American jobs has been a popular trend lately, ironically at the urging of President Bush.

 

Mr. Bush was informed by email this morning of the termination of his position. He will receive health coverage, expenses and salary until his final day of employment. After that, with a two week waiting period, he will then be eligible for $240 dollars a week from unemployment insurance for 13 weeks.

 

Unfortunately he will not be able to receive state Medicaid health insurance coverage as his unemployment benefits are over the required limit. "I'm in shock,"

 

Mr. Bush stated. "I thought for sure I'd have some job security around this here place. I have no idea what I'll do now," he further lamented.

 

Preparations have been underway for some time for the job move.

 

Sanji Gurvinder Singh of Indus Teleservices, Mumbai, India, will be assuming the Office of President of the United States as of July 1. Mr. Singh was born in the United States while his parents were here on student visas, thus making him eligible for the position. He will receive a salary of $320 USD a month but with no health coverage or other benefits.

 

Due to the time difference between the US and India, Mr. Singh will be working primarily at night, when offices of the US Government will be open.

 

"I am excited to serve in this position," Mr. Singh stated in an exclusive interview. "Working nights will let me keep my day job at the American Express call center. I always knew I could be President someday."

 

Congress stressed patience when calling Mr. Singh as he may not be fully aware of all the issues involved with his new position. A Congressional Spokesperson noted that Mr. Singh has been given a script tree to follow which will allow him to respond to most topics of concern. The Spokesperson further noted that "additional savings will be realized as these scripting tools have already been used previously by Mr. Bush here in the US. Such scripts will enable Mr. Singh to provide an answer, just as Mr. Bush has, without having to fully understand the issue itself."

 

Congress continues to explore other outsourcing possibilities including that of Vice-president and most Cabinet positions.

 

Edited November 25, 2007 by Guest

[canadalad]

Dear Abby:

 

I am a crack dealer in New Jersey who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of the HIV virus. My parents live in a suburb of Philadelphia and one of my sisters, who lives in Bensenville, is married to a transvestite.

 

My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Jersey City.

 

I have two brothers. One is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Attica for murder of a teenage boy in 1994.The other brother is currently being held in the Wellington Remand Center on charges of sexual misconduct with his three children.

 

I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in the Bronx and is still a part time "working girl" in a brothel.

 

All things considered, my main problem is this. I love my fiancée and look forward to bringing her into the family and I certainly want to be totally honest with her. Should I tell her about my distant cousin who is French?