Any New Jokes

[The_Munchmaster]

A ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain in a small town. He's going through his usual run of off-colour and "dumb blonde" jokes, when a well-presented blonde woman in the fourth row stands up and says:

 

"I've heard just about enough of your stupid blonde jokes, YOU CRETIN! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What connection can a person's hair colour possibly have with their fundamental worth as a human being? It is morons like you that prevent women like myself from being respected at work and in our communities and from reaching our full potential...

 

"Because you and your anachronistic kind continue to perpetuate negative images against not only blondes, but women in general, for the sake of cheap laughs. You are a pathetic relic of the past, and what you do is not only in breach of the discrimination laws in every civilized country, it is deeply offensive to people with modern sensibilities and basic respect for their fellow citizens."

 

"You should hang your head in shame, you pusillanimous little maggot."

 

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologise, when the blonde yells:

 

"You stay out of this Mister! I'm talking to that little creep on your knee."

 

[teddy]

love the blonde joke

[Torneyboy]

Nice

[teddy]

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken Surprise."

 

The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down. "Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.

 

He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down. Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.

 

"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?" The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."

 

"Ah! So solly," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck!"

 

[The_Munchmaster]

A Scot is drinking in an English Bar when he gets a call on his cell phone.

 

He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear & orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Scottish baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

 

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Scot just shrugs, "That's about average up North, folks. Like I said, my boy's a typical Scottish baby boy."

 

Congratulations showered him from all around & many exclamations of "WOW!" were heard. One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.

 

Two weeks later the Scot returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Scottish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been makin' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. We were gonna call you... so how much does he weigh now?"

 

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."

 

The bartender is puzzled & concerned. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born."

 

The Scots father takes a slow swig from his pint of Real Ale, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender & proudly says, "We had him circumcised".

 

 

[Torneyboy]

I think that was an Aussie joke and it was changed to Scottish....

[The_Munchmaster]

Incorrect TB. It was actually written by my uncle and he copyrighted it. When an Aussie asked if he could reprint it based on an Aussie man in a Kiwi pub my uncle refused to give permission.

[Flashermac]

The priest in a small Irish village loved the cock and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church. But one Saturday night, the rooster went missing!

 

The priest knew that cock fights happened in the village, so he started to question his parishioners in church the next morning.

 

During Mass, he asked his congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?"

 

All the men stood up.

 

"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"

 

Then all the women stood up.

 

"No, no," he said, "that's not what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"

 

Half the women stood up.

 

"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?"

 

All the nuns, three altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.

 

 

[Man at Work]

[teddy]

A farmer goes out into his field to find all of his cows are frozen solid.

 

He was panic stricken, with his herd all frozen how would he make a living. He started to cry.

 

Just then a little old lady appeared. "What is the matter?" she asked. "Look, look around you at all my cows, they are frozen, what am I going to do to make ends meet!" shrieked the hysterical farmer.

 

The old lady silenced him with a raised finger. She then walked over to the nearest cow and touched it gently on the nose. It immediately started to twitch and in a minute or two was completely normal and started chewing grass. On she went from cow to cow, gently pressing her finger on the nose of each one and each one became normal again.

 

"How can I ever thank you!" said the farmer. The old lady refused his offer and walked off across the field.

 

"You know who that was?" said a passer by.

 

"No." said the farmer.

 

"That was...........

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

.........Thora Hird."