Silly Fools Along Beach Road

[zanemay]

I could write a book about the Beach Road in Pattaya and the things I see out there! A book of warnings, a book of Believe-It-Or-Not, a book of shock, awe and wonder. I saw a post awhile back calling the Beach Road ?The Street of Broken Dreams? and for some people, Thai and farang alike, of course it is. But I see so much hope out there, and I meet every kind of person. Some that give me joy, some that give me a real pain.

 

One of the worst pains I get is when I see an FOB farang (Fresh Off the Boat) make a total ass of himself. Two anecdotes:

 

A year ago I was taking an afternoon constitutional along the beach and, a bit fatigued after half an hour, I looked for a bench. They were crowded that afternoon, but there was a spot next to a dirty girl who was laid out sleeping. The bottoms of her filthy feet waited to insult anyone who would sit beside her. She had on a dirty T-shirt and shorts that were not only filthy, but showed pudgy flesh through several holes. I surmised that the girl was homeless, drugged, mental, or most likely, all three. After awhile she stirred. Not good looking, not bad looking, about 30. Just a hard-luck loser, I thought and I was a bit concerned for her. Although we hadn?t spoken, when I walked across to the ?Seven? (7/11) to get a Singha, I picked up a Vita Milk for her. I certainly wasn?t getting her a beer. She did not look well.

 

I went back and she was surprised when I handed her the drink. ?Thank you,? she said weakly as she put in the straw. ?Are you okay?? I asked her. She gave me a vague nod. ?What are you doing here?? (Gamlang tammarai yoo?), I asked. ?Ha falang,? she said. (Look for farang.) Incredible!! ?You?re looking for a farang! But you don?t look sexy today.? I was stretching diplomatic speech to its limits! This wretch was looking for farangs!? Farangs are crazy sometimes, but we?re never that crazy. Are we?? A few days later I was sitting in the same area and the girl walked by looking much the same. ?Ya bah,? said the girl next to me. (She?s on drugs.)

 

Ah! It would be merciful if the story would end there, but it doesn?t. Three months later I had bpai-glapped (gone home and returned.) I was surprised to find the girl still out along the beach as it seemed most likely that she would have died by that time. But no, she was a bit cleaner and from time to time I would see her hand-in-hand with a proud farang. There he was, FOB, parading around with his little tilac, thinking that she was just the sweetest thing in the world. I am agog, shocked and sickened to see this, but the girls at the beach take it in stride. This is what they do, and this is how farangs are ? too ready to love any drug-addicted, flea-bitten slattern.

 

Please, please it wears on me to see this! Boys, please! Look before you leap on something at the beach.

 

There is another girl, a rough looking thing with big tits. I rarely use the word ?whore? to describe Thai girls, but this one is the very definition. Having observed her over the weeks I had developed a healthy revulsion. Crude, loud and awful, she used the trick of waiting for a farang to come along and then stretching with her arms up and back, pushing out her fat tits. Four or five flies a day would fall into that trap, and off they would go to play with the balloons. Fair enough.

 

Again it would be merciful if the story would end, but I noticed that this girl was going downhill. She started looking a bit dingy and then I occasionally saw her with a young Thai guy. Soon they were a regular couple. He didn?t look good either.

 

I bpai/glapped and when I came back I (thankfully!) didn?t see her out in the day anymore throwing out her chest. But I did see her with the Thai guy in the evenings and they looked awful. Dirty and apparently homeless, with a haggard look that suggests drug addiction, they were always together and she didn?t go with farangs anymore. A bond of love and drugs. Before I went home again, I saw them walking along Second Road, dirty and tired, looking for discarded food. She had scraped the bottom in her choice of friends and now she was scraping the bottom of garbage bins with him.

 

I went home and came back, and then?Oh God! imagine the worst!! It?s almost too awful to tell. I saw her, too, being paraded by some dumb-ass farang. Mr. Shit-for-Brains and his Thai sweetheart. But how could he know? He just went with her and enjoyed the balloons.

 

Ah?I know the wheels are turning in many cunning minds as they read this and they are thinking, ?I bet that Mr. Know-It-All himself has made a mistake or two that he?d rather not mention.? That?s true enough and I have to look at a number of them every day as I take my walks. There were two that I snatched together in the heat of a rainy night who told me they had just come to town, and it is something about that wet heat that made me want to believe. Maybe they had just come that time, because they didn?t have a room, but I think they had been to Pattaya many times before. There are couple of others that I would rather never see again, but there they sit and there they stand, living evidence that it is best not to go the Beach Road in a fever.

 

A long has passed since I have made a big mistake though. I seem to have gotten a lot of the craziness out of my system by humping like a wild jack rabbit over the span of a couple of trips. Add to that that I now have a pretty reliable collection of long-haired assistants who come in a relieve the pressure of the juices. So when I go out on a hunt to ?jap gai? (catch chickens) I am in no hurry. If I find a nice, tasty-looking bird, fine. If I don?t, no problem. I can sleep alone or make a phone call. But either way, one thing you will never see, is me parading my chicken. I may jap gai, but I don?t ?jap meuh.? (Hold hands.) And as soon as they know where I live, they come over on their own.

 

Let me restate my plea. If you don?t do it for yourself, have mercy and do it for me! If you come to Pattaya and would like to stroll the beach, do so. Have a good look around you. Go there many times and look before you leap. Get the lay of the land, so you don?t end up with the Lay of the Sand. After you have a look, go to a bar or a disco. When you find a prospect, if the first thing she says is ?I go with you?? in perfect English, send her back. Find a girl who does not speak English and pay her bar fine. Have fun. When she has helped you relax, go to the Beach again, have a look around. Same rule applies. If a girl says ?You want long time or short time?? in perfect English, keep going. By doing so, you might avoid the grizzled sluts and find a nice girl. If you don?t have time to do research, stick to the bars and Go-Go?s.

 

Onward...!

 

Another variety of silly fool is the Thai lady silly fool with high hopes. Following my rule of ?give her a chance if you have never seen her before,? I sat next to lady who said ?hello? nicely as I passed, and not in a baritone either. ?I have never seen you before,? I said. ?No,? she replied, ?I came four days ago and I have to go home tomorrow. I have to go back to work. I work photos. You want to go home with me?? ?But I don?t know you.? ?It?s okay. You can know me. I want to marry and have baby. Okay?? ?Not okay!! I am too old already and I don?t want a baby. I don?t want to get married.? ?Tammai!!??? she retorts in disbelief. (Why not!!??) Well, she was forty-one years old, a little fat and a bit rough around the edges. There were a few other sentences spoken before the invitation, but very few, and she was absolutely serious about me going to visit Nakon whatever-it-was with her the next day!

 

I did accept such an invitation one time, but it was made a FULL half an hour after I met the girl, AND she was a fine little chicken firm thighs and tender breast AND she waited until AFTER we had arrived in Issan to tell me about the wedding and the children. But she was a silly fool too. I am only a slightly better choice as a husband than the average Issan lout. I pity the silly fool who would end up with me.

 

What about the silly fool old lady with the glass eye and gimpy leg? What about the deaf girl? I ?talked? to the deaf girl for quite awhile one day. She speaks a bit, makes a lot of hand signs and makes more signs with her tongue. A good looking girl and she did fine out there. But the old lady with the glass eye is something else. Like so many other old broads, she is out there every night, year after year. She has to come early and stay late to try work around the competition. I will say that last I saw of her she was looking much better, having acquired some tinted glasses to fool you into thinking that both eyes are looking in the same direction. How do these old crones survive out there? There can only be one answer ? someone takes them sometimes. You know who you are.

 

Then there is the disabled farang silly fool, seeming to eschew the special dignity that comes with their crutches or wheel chair. Most regular visitors to Thailand will have noticed that it is a haven for farangs in all states of disrepair. Gimpy limbs, bad hearts, too ugly, too short or just too fucking weird. The last time I visited there was a little guy in a wheel chair that had lost it altogether. What did he think he was, normal!? He was along the beach every day and night, whizzing around in his motorized wheelchair. What a sympathy grab!! And the girls fall for it ? an odd little fellow maneuvering his expensive ride on a tight radius, smiling all the time. You know women love guys who can?t run, and they are all waiting for their husbands to be reigned in by an affliction. (My girlfriend is the worst, ?Whatever happens I will be there to take care of you when you are sick.? Her eyes glisten with anticipation.) One Thai lady told me that was really what she wanted in a farang ? an old guy, ?mai sabai? (not well) that she could take care of. A bit aged herself, she wanted a dud, not a stud.

 

Oh well, if these guys want to throw away their dignity, so be it. Out in a tropical setting, blatantly ogling pooying, pretending they aren?t crippled. Aren?t they supposed to be inside or something?

[Guest]

Thought you were talking about the band from the title...

 

-> stories?

[Mentors]

This is Pattaya - a catchment area with all kind of people from around the world.

[chuckwoww]

Yep there are some real fuck-ups down in the sediment at the bottom of the gene pool. Lonely desperate people with nothing left but their own illusions. I'm not sure I begrudge them each others company though.

[think_too_mut]

>This is Pattaya - a catchment area with all kind of people from around the world.

 

I concur with you. As a family man, I have found my way to enjoy it there.

Fools and creatures do not bother me. Enough room for everyone.

[shygye]

Don't look in the mirror.

[SUZIBANDIT]

I thought he meant the band too. Especially since they were just playing the music festival in Pattaya last weekend. ::

[OCgringo]

I guess if the "Silly Fools" found their girls when they were cleaned up ,

they would never know the previous life.

 

Lucky that the girls cannot see us back in time when we were all down......

[elef]

Hi Zanemay,

 

the first girl in your first anecdote reminds me of a girl I saw some weeks ago outside Best supermarket/Peace Resort Hotel on Central Pattaya Rd almost every morning for a whole week - probably she was there every morning but maybe I woke up to late those days I didn't see her. Dirty, 50/50 black/blond-coloured hair and dirty clothes. She started looking for customers early around 7 am. One time I saw an old farang on a big motorbike speaking with her. Every morning she was away before 10 am. Obviously a girl in need of quick money, but I still wonder who pick up such a girl? And why didn't she ever change clothes or took a shower?

 

elef

[Guest]

exactomundo!

 

a bit off tangent, but Silly Fools(the band) are pretty good! They have some great songs!