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On similar lines, but this is true.   MLG wants to send a small parcel to the USA from NZ. OK Wrap it and we're off to the post office. Post it in Mid December. No tracking, too expensive.   After

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Tiger Woods drives his huge Volvo into a garage in Cork, on his tour of Ireland.

 

The attendant at the pump greets him in a typical Cork manner, unawares as to who the golf pro. is....

 

"Top of the morning to you etc., etc"

 

Tiger Woods bends down to pick up the pump, but two tees fall out of his top pocket onto the ground.

 

"What are dey Son?" says the attendant.

 

"They're called tees" replies Tiger.

 

"What're dey for?" enquires the Cork man

 

"They're for putting my balls on when I'm driving" Tiger replies.

 

"Jaysus!", says the Cork man, "Dem boys at Volvo tink of fookin' everyting!!!"

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It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

 

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

 

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

 

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

 

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.

 

She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

 

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice.

 

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

 

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

 

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."

 

My husband said, "F*ck him, give him a dollar."

 

The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

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If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous erudite scientist who once said:

 

"I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates."

 

His mind sees things differently than most of ours do, to our amazement, and amusement.

 

Here are some of his gems:

 

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

 

2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

 

3 - Half the people you know are below average.

 

4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

 

5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

 

6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

 

7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

 

8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

 

9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

 

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

 

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend... but she left me before we met.

 

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

 

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

 

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

 

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

 

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

 

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

 

18 - Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

 

19 - I intend to live forever... So far, so good.

 

20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

 

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

 

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

 

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

 

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

 

25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

 

26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

 

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

 

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

 

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

 

30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

 

31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

 

32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

 

33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

 

34 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

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The teacher asked little Johnny to use the word " definitely " in a sentence.

 

Little Johnny replies, "Teacher, do farts have lumps in them?"

 

The Teacher says, "Of course not Johnny,"

 

To which Johnny replies, "Then I have definitely s**t my pants".

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Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

 

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

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One day a hippie gets a ride on a public bus and sees a hot young nun. He sits down next to her and promptly asks if she would like to have sex, to which she immediately says no and walks off the bus. The bus driver leans over and says “Hey guy I know how to get that nun to have sex with you…â€Â

 

Naturally the hippie asks, and the bus driver tells him that every night at midnight the nun goes to an old graveyard to pray for god to forgive her for her past, and that he should dress up like god and tell the nun she will be forgiven if she has sex with you.

 

The hippie gives his thanks and runs to the nearest costume shop.

 

Later that evening the hippie gets ready for his big night and drives down to the graveyard and sees the nun praying, on her knees. He says “Behold, I have heard your prayers and you shall be forgiven if you have sex with me!â€Â

 

The nun agrees but asks if they can have anal sex in order to keep her virginity. The hippie agrees and once they are finished the hippie jumps back and pulls off his mask and says “Surpise, its me the Hippie!â€Â

 

The nun jumps up and pulls off her mask and says “Surprise, its me the bus driver!â€Â

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A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible

out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph,

enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

"Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even

more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the state trooper behind

him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

 

He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought,

"What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the

trooper's arrival.

 

Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked

at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is

Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard

before, I'll let you go."

 

The old gentleman paused. Then said, "Three years ago, my wife ran

off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

 

"Have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper.

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Three ladies are at the doctor for an IQ test. The doctor says to the first lady, "What is three times three"? "274" was her reply.

The doctor says to the second lady, "It's your turn. What is three times three"? "Tuesday" replies the second lady.

The doctor says to the third lady, "OK, AQ your turn. What's three times three"? "Nine" says AQ.

"That's great" says the doctor. "How did you get that"?

"Simple" says AQ. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday".

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