Jump to content

Any New Jokes


Recommended Posts

 

 

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery

 

plot as a Christmas gift.

The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked him why, he replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....

 

 

************************************************************************

 

 

I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.

So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'

And that's when the fight started....

 

 

****************************************************************

 

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

 

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'

So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'

And that's when the fight started....

 

 

************************************************************************

 

 

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And that's when the fight started......

 

 

*********************************************************************

 

 

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels.

She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then t he fight started...

 

 

======================================================================

 

 

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

 

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a set of scales.

And then the fight started...

 

 

====================================================================

 

 

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and She kept staring at a drunken Guy swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked my Wife, "Do you know him?"

"Yes," She sighed, "He's my old boyfriend...

I understand he took to drinking right after we split up all those many years a go, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started.....

 

 

===========================================================

 

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Replies 4.3k
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

Top Posters In This Topic

Popular Posts

On similar lines, but this is true.   MLG wants to send a small parcel to the USA from NZ. OK Wrap it and we're off to the post office. Post it in Mid December. No tracking, too expensive.   After

Posted Images

>> Thailand Love Story

>>

>> A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend. After having great sex, she spent the next hour just

>>

>> rubbing his testicles -- something she loved to do.

>>

>>

>>

>> As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, "Why do you love doing that?"

>>

>> Because, she replied, "I miss mine."

 

Link to post
Share on other sites

A bloke is sitting in the bar in the departure lounge at a busy airport.

 

A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. He decides because she's got a uniform on, she's probably an off-duty flight attendant.

 

He decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.

 

He leaned across to her and says the Delta Airlines motto 'We love to fly and it shows'. The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line.

 

Then he leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto 'Winning the hearts of the world'. Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.

 

Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto 'Going beyond expectations'. The woman looks at him sternly and says 'What the f**k do you want?'

 

'Ah!' he says, sitting back with a smile on his face. 'Ryanair'.

 

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 2 weeks later...

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How do you know when you're

staying in a Redneck motel?

 

When you call the front desk and say,

 

I gotta leak in my sink, and the

 

clerk replies, 'Go ahead'.

 

 

 

 

 

 

~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Did y ou hear that they have raised the minimum

 

drinking age for Rednecks to 32?

 

It seems they want to keep alcohol

 

out of the high schools.

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two reasons why it's so hard to solve a

 

Redneck murder:

 

1) The DNA is all the same

 

2) There are no dental records

 

 

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Who invented the toothbrush ?

 

A Redneck.

 

(If it had been invented by anyone else,

 

it would have been a teeth brush)

 

 

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Did you hear about the $3 million Redneck Lottery ?

 

The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.

 

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

A new Redneck law was just recently passed

 

When a couple gets divorced, they are STILL cousins.

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Did you hear that the Redneck governor's

 

mansion burned down ?

 

'Yep.. Prit'near took out the whole trailer park.. The library was a total

loss too.. Both books went poof . . . up in flames and the governor hadn't

even finished coloring one of them.'

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

 

A State Trooper pulls over a pickup on Highway 16

 

and says to the driver, 'Got any! I.D. ? ' . .

 

and the driver replies 'Bout wut?'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`<

Link to post
Share on other sites

A Russian and a Norwegian wrestler (just happened to be named Ole) were set to square off for the Olympic Gold Medal. Before the final match, the Norwegian wrestling coach came to Ole and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has". Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished'. Ole nodded in acknowledgment.

 

As the match started, Ole and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing Ole and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the coach buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.

 

Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the coach raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and Ole collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the match. The crowd went crazy. The coach was astounded.

 

When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"

 

Ole answered, "Vell, I vas ready to give up ven he got me in dat hold, but at da last moment, I opened my eyes and saw dis pair of testicles right in front of my face...I had nuttin' to lose so wid my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit dose babies just as hard as I could."

 

So the trainer exclaimed, "That's what finished him off!"

 

"Vel not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get ven you bite your own nuts!"

 

 

Life in the Australian Army...

 

Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For Those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland )

 

 

 

 

Dear Mum & Dad,

 

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the station - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody horses to get in, no calves to feed, no troughs to clean - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

 

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or goanna stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the bullock paddock!!

 

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody dingo's arse and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

 

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.

Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

 

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.

 

Your loving daughter,

 

Sheila

 

 

 

An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him..

 

She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

 

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.'

 

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think?about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

 

The two sat sipping in silence.

 

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

 

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

Link to post
Share on other sites

The 59 verses of The Ballad of Eskimo Nell

 

 

Gather 'round, all you whorey,

Gather 'round, and hear my story.

 

When a man grows old and his balls grow cold,

And the tip of his prick turns blue;

When it bends in the middle like a one-string fiddle,

He can tell you a tale or two.

 

So pull up a chair and stand me a drink,

And a tale to you I will tell

About Dead-Eye Dick and Mexican Pete

And a harlot named Eskimo Nell

 

When Dead-Eye Dick and Mexican Pete

Go forth in search of fun,

It's Dead-Eye Dick that swings the prick,

And Mexican Pete the gun.

 

When Dead-Eye Dick and Mexican Pete

Are sore, depressed and sad,

It's always a cunt that bears the brunt,

but the shooting's not so bad.

 

Now Dead-Eye Dick and Mexican Pete

Lived down by Dead Mans Creek,

And such was there luck that they'd had no fuck

For nigh on half a week.

 

Oh, a moose or two, and a caribou,

And a bison cow or so,

But for Dead-Eye Dick with his kingly prick,

This fucking was mighty slow.

 

So, do or dare, this horny pair

set off for the Rio Grande:

Dead-Eye Dick with his kingly prick,

And Pete with his gun in his hand.

 

Then, as they blazed their noisy trail,

No man, there path withstood.

Many a bride, her husband's pride,

A pregnant widow stood.

 

They reached the strand of the Rio Grande

At the height of a blazing noon.

To slake their thirst, and do their worst,

They sought Black Mike's saloon.

 

 

 

The swinging doors they pushed back wide,

Both prick and gun flashed free.

"According to sex, you bleeding wrecks,

You'll drink or you'll fuck with me!"

 

Now, they'd heard of the prick of Dead-Eye Dick,

From the Yukon to Panama,

So, with scarcely worse than a muttered curse,

Those fellows all sought the bar.

 

The girls, too, knew of his playful ways

Down on the Rio Grand,

And forty whores pulled down their drawers

at Dead-Eye Dick's command

 

For they saw the finger of Mexican Pete

Move on the trigger grip

So they didn't wait: at a fearful rate

Those whores began to strip.

 

Now, Dead-Eye Dick was breathing quick

With lecherous snorts and grunts,

So forty butts were bared to view,

And likewise forty cunts.

 

Now, forty butts and forty cunts,

If you can use your wits,

And if your slick at arithmetic,

Makes exactly eighty tits.

 

Sure, eighty tits are a gladsome sight

For a man with a raging stand.

It may be rare in Berkeley Square,

But not on the Rio Grande!

 

Now Dead-Eye Dick had a few

On the last preceding night,

This he had done just to show his fun

And to whet his appetite.

 

His phallic limb was in fucking trim.

As be backed and took a run,

And he made a dart for the nearest tart,

He scored a hole in one.

 

The lady he bore to the dusty floor,

And there he filled her fine,

And though she grinned, it put the wind

up the other thirty-nine.

 

When Dead-Eye Dick lets loose his prick,

He has no time to spare,

For speed and strength, combined with length,

He fairly singes hair.

 

He made a dart at the next fair tart,

When into that harlots hell

Strode a gentle maid who was unafraid:

Her name was Eskimo Nell.

 

By this time, Dick had got his prick

Well into number two,

When Eskimo Nell let out a yell.

She bawled to him,"Hey, you!"

 

Dick gave a flick of his muscular prick,

And the girl flew over his head,

He then wheeled about with an angry shout;

His face and his balls were red.

 

Nell glanced our hero up and down,

His looks she seemed to decry.

With utter scorn, she sneered at the worm

Which rose from his hairy thigh.

 

She blew the smoke of her cigarette

All over his steaming knob.

So utterly beat was Mexican Pete

That he failed to do his job.

 

It was Eskimo Nell who broke the spell

in accents clear and cool:

"You cunt-struck shrimp of a Yankee pimp!

You call that thing a tool?"

 

If this here town can't take that down,"

She said to those cowering whores,

"There's another cunt that can do the stunt,

But it's Eskimo Nells' not yours."

 

She dropped her garments one by one

With an air of conscious pride,

And as she stood in her womanhood,

They saw the great divide.

 

She seated herself on a table top,

Where someone had left a glass.

With a twitch of her tits, she crushed it to bits

Between the cheeks of her ass.

 

She flexed her knees with a supple ease,

And spread her thighs apart.

With a friendly nod to the mangy sod,

She gave him the cue to start.

Now, Dead-Eye Dick knew more than one trick,

And he meant to take his time,

For a woman like this was orgasic bliss,

So he played the pantomime.

 

He flexed his asshole too and fro,

And made his balls inflate,

Until they looked like the granite knobs

On top of the palace gate.

 

He blew his anus inside out,

His balls increased in size,

His mighty prick grew twice as thick

And reached almost to his eyes.

 

He polished it up with alcohol,

Then, to make it steaming hot

And to finish the job, he sprinkled the knob

With a cayenne pepperppot.

 

Then did he neither start to run

nor did he take a leap,

Nor did he stoop, but with a swoop

Began a steady, forward creep.

 

As a marksman might, he took a sight

Along his mighty tool,

And his steady grin as he pushed it in

sowed a calculated cool.

 

Have you ever seen the pistons

On the mighty C.P.R.,

With the driving force of a thousand horse?

Well, then you know what pistons are.

 

Or, you think you do, but you've yet to see

The ins and outs of the trick

Of the work that's done on a no-stop run

By a fellow like Dead-Eye Dick.

 

But Eskimo Nell was no infidel,

as good as a whole harem.

With the strength of ten in her abdomen

And the rock of ages between.

 

With nary a scream, she could take the stream

Like the flush of a watercloset.

Now, she gripped his cock like a Chatswood Lock

On the National Safe Deposit.

 

But Dead-Eye Dick would not come quick,

He meant to conserve his powers,

For if he'd a mind, he'd grind and grind

For sixteen solid hours.

 

Nell lay a while with a subtle smile,

Then the grip of her cunt grew keener,

And a squeeze of her thy then sucked him dry

With the ease of a vacuum cleaner.

 

She performed this trick in a way so slick

As to set in complete defiance

The principal cause and basic laws

That govern sexual science.

 

She calmly rode through the phallic code

Which for years had withstood the test,

And the ancient rules of the classic schools

In a moment or two, went west.

 

Right here, my friend, we come to

Of copulation's classic:

The effect on Dick was sudden and quick

And akin to an anaesthetic.

 

He fell to the floor, and he knew no more,

His passions extinct and dead,

Nor did he shout as his cock fell out,

Though 'twas stripped right down to a thread.

 

Then, Mexican Pete did leap to his feet

To avenge his pal's affront,

With a jarring jolt of his blue-nosed colt,

He rammed it up Nell's cunt.

 

He rammed it hard to the trigger guard,

Then fired two times three,

But to his surprise, Nell closed her eyes

And smiled in ecstasy.

 

She rose to her feet with a smile so sweet,

Then " Bully " she said, "for you".

Though I might have guessed that that was the best

That you to poor pimps could do.

 

"When next, my friend, that you intend

To sally forth for fun,

Buy Dead-Eye Dick a sugar stick,

And yourself an elephant gun

 

"I'm going forth to the frozen north

Where the peckers are hard and strong,

Back to the land of the frozen stand

where the nights are six months long.

"It's hard as tin when they put it in

In the land where spunk is spunk,

Not a trickling stream of lukewarm cream,

But a solid, frozen chunk.

 

"Back to the land where they understand

What it means to fornicate,

Where even the dead sleep two in a bed

And the babies masturbate.

 

"Back to the land of the grinding gland,

Where the walrus plays with prong,

Where the polar bear wanks off in his lair,

That's where they'll sing this song.

 

They'll tell this tale on the arctic trail

Where the nights are sixty below,

Where it's so damn cold the jonnies are sold

Wrapped up in a ball of snow.

 

"In the Valley of Deathwith baited breath,

That's where they'll sing it too,

Where the skeletons rattle in sexual battle

And the rotting corpses screw.

 

"Back to the land where men are Men,

I'll say 'Terra Bellicum',

And there I'll spend my worty end,

For the North is calling 'Come!'"

 

Then Dead-Eye Dick and Mexican Pete

Slunk away from the Rio Grande,

Dead-Eye Dick with his useless prick,

And Pete with no gun in hand.

 

When a man grows old and his balls grow cold,

And the tip of his prick turns blue,

And the hole in the middle refuses to piddle,

I'd say he was fucked, wouldn't you?

 

Link to post
Share on other sites

KNOW YOUR FARTS

 

The Anticipated Fart:

This one warns that it is back there waiting for some time before it arrives. A person who is uneasy for a time in a crowd and who later farts at a time when they think no one will notice has farted an Anticipated Fart.

 

The Back Seat Fart:

This is a fart that occurs only in automobiles. It is identified chiefly by odor. The Back Seat Fart can usually be concealed by traffic noise as it is an eased-out fart and not very loud. But its foul odor will give it away, due to the way air moves around in a car. It is often followed by someone saying, "Who farted in the back seat?"

 

The Barn Owl Fart:

A familiarity with owl calls is helpful in identifying this fart. Almost any morning if you get up just before daybreak you can hear one of these birds talking to himself. It's a sort of a crazy laugh, particularly the way it ends. If you hear a fart that has about eight notes in it, ending on a couple of down notes, and it sounds maniacal, you have heard the rare Barn Owl Fart.

 

The Bullet Fart:

Its single and most pronounced diagnostic characteristic is its sound. It sounds like a rifle shot. The farter can be said to have snapped it off. It can startle spectators and farter alike. Fairly common following the eating of the more common fart foods, such as beans.

 

The Command Fart:

This fart differs from the Anticipated Fart in that it can be held for long periods of time waiting for the right moment. Unlike the Anticipated Fart, it is intended to be noticed. Nathan Martins recently held a Command Fart for the whole period in history class and let it go right at the end when the teacher asked if there were any questions.

 

The Common Fart:

This fart needs little description. It is to the world of farts what the house sparrow is to the world of birds. I can see no point in describing this fart any further.

 

The Cushioned Fart:

A concealed fart, sometimes successful. The farter is usually on the fat side, sometimes a girl. They will squirm and push their butt way down into the cushions of a sofa or over-stuffed chair and ease-out a fart very carefully without moving then or for some time after. Some odor may escape, but usually not much. Common with some people.

 

The Dud Fart:

The Dud Fart is not really a fart at all. It's a fart that fails. For this reason it is strictly a group one identification fart, because there is no real way you can identify a fart that somebody else expected to fart but didn't. It is the most private of all farts. In most cases the farter usually feels a little disappointed.

 

The Echo Fart:

This is a fart that can be wrongly identified. It is not some great loud fart in an empty gym or on the rim of the Grand Canyon. The true Echo Fart is a fart that makes its own echo. It is a two-toned fart, the first tone loud, then a pause, and then the second tone. Like an echo.

 

The G and L Fart:

This is one of the most ordinary and pedestrian of farts, known to everyone. Certainly it is the least gross. If you have not already guessed, G and L stands for Gambled and Lost. One of the most embarrassing of all farts, even when you are alone.

 

The Ghost Fart:

A doubtful fart in most cases, as it is supposed to be identified by odor alone and to occur, for instance, in an empty house. You enter and smell a fart, yet no one is there. People will insist that only a fart could have that odor, but some believe it is just something that happens to smell like a fart.

 

The Hic-Hachoo-Fart Fart:

This is strictly an old lady's fart. What happens is that the person manages to hiccough, sneeze, and fart all at the same time. After an old lady farts a Hic-Hachoo-Fart Fart she will usually pat her chest and say, "My, oh my," or "Well, well." There is no reason she should not be proud, as this is probably as neat an old person's fart as there is.

 

The Jerk Fart:

The Jerk Fart is a fart by a jerk who smirks, smiles, grins, and points to himself in case you missed it. It is usually a single-noted, off-key, fading away, sort of whistle fart, altogether pitiful, but the jerk will act as if he has just farted the Biggest Fart in the World Fart.

 

The John Fart:

The John Fart is simply any ordinary fart farted on the john. It is naturally a group one identification, with the sound, whatever it was, somewhat muffled. If it is all the person's trip to the john amounted to he will be disappointed for sure. Common as pigeons.

 

The Lead Fart:

The heaviest of all farts. It sounds like a dropped ripe watermelon. Or a falling body in some cases. It is the only fart that goes thud. Except for the odor, which is also very heavy, it could be missed altogether as a fart. What was that, you might think? And never guess.

 

The Malted Milk Ball Fart:

Odor alone is diagnostic and positively identifies this fart. It smells exactly like malted milk balls. No other food works this way. It is rare.

 

The Oh My God Fart:

This is the most awful and dreadful stinking of all farts - a fart that smells like a month-old rotten egg - as the Oh My God Fart. If you should ever encounter it, however, you may first want to say, oh sh*t, which would be understandable.

 

The Omen Fart:

This is the adult version of the Poo-Poo Fart. About the only difference is that the farter will not say anything. He will just look kind of funny and head for the john. This one is easy to spot if you pay attention.

 

The Organic Fart:

Sometimes called the Health Food Nut Fart. The person who farts an Organic Fart may be talking about the healthy food he eats even when he farts. If he is heavily into health foods he may even ask if you noticed how good and pure and healthy his fart smells. It may smell to you like any other fart, but there is no harm in agreeing with him. He is doing what he thinks is best.

 

The Quiver Fart:

A group one identification fart only. When you fart, it quivers. If it tickles, then it is the Tickle Fart. If you have to scratch it, then it is the Scratchass Fart.

 

The Rambling Phaduka Fart:

You must not be fooled by its pretty-sounding name, as this is one of the most frightening of all farts. It is frightening to farter and spectator alike. It has a sound of pain to it. What is most diagnostic about it, however, is its length. It is the longest-lasting fart there is. It will sometimes leave the farter unable to speak. As though he has had the wind knocked out of him. A strong, loud, wavering fart, it goes on for at least fifteen seconds.

 

The Relief Fart:

Sound or odor don't matter on this one. What matters is the tremendous sense of relief that you have finally farted. Some people will even say, "Wow, what a relief." Very common.

 

The Reluctant Fart:

This is probably one of the oldest farts known to man. The Reluctant Fart is a fart that seems to have a mind of its own. It gives the impression that it likes staying where it is. It will come when it is ready, not before. This can take half-a-day in some instances.

 

The Rusty Gate Fart:

The sound of this fart seems almost impossible for a fart. It is the most dry and squeaky sound a fart can make. The Rusty Gate Fart sounds as if it would have worked a lot easier if it had been oiled. It sounds like a fart that hurts.

 

The S.B.D. Fart:

S.B.D. stands for Silent But Deadly. This is no doubt one of the most common farts that exists. No problem of identification with this one.

 

The Sandpaper Fart:

This one scratches. Otherwise it may not amount to much. You should remember that if you reach back and scratch, it automatically becomes a Scratchass Fart. Common.

 

The Skillsaw Fart:

A truly awesome fart. It vibrates the farter. Really shakes him up. People back away. It sounds like an electric skillsaw ripping through a piece of half-inch plywood. Very impressive. Not too common.

 

The Sonic Boom Fart:

The people who believe in this fart claim it is even bigger than the Biggest Fart In The World Fart. The Sonic Boom Fart is supposed to shake the house and rattle the windows. This is ridiculous. No fart in the world shakes houses and rattles windows. A fart that could do that would put the farter into orbit or blow his crazy head off.

 

The Splatter Fart:

Unfortunately the Splatter Fart exists. It is the wettest of all farts. It probably should not be called a fart at all.

 

The Stutter Fart:

If you think stuttering is funny, this is a very funny fart. It is a fart that can't seem to get going. The sound is best described as pt,pt,pt-pt,pt-pt-pt,pop,pop-pop-pop-POW! It is usually a forced-out fart that gets caught crossways, as they say, and only gets farted after considerable effort.

 

The Taco Bell Fart:

The Taco Bell Fart is far richer and full-bodied than your ordinary Junk Fart and takes longer to build up. Sometimes hours or even a day. But it will get there. And it will hang around after, too. Even on a windy day.

 

The Teflon Fart:

Slips out without a sound and no strain at all. A very good fart in situations where you would rather not fart at all. You can be talking to someone and not miss saying a word. If the wind is right he will never know.

 

The Thank God I'm Alone Fart:

Everyone knows this rotten fart. You look around after you have farted and say, "Thank God I'm alone." Then you get out of there fast!

 

The Tickle Fart:

A group one only and one of the easiest to identify. Usually a slow soft sort of fart. If you like being tickled this is the fart for you!

 

Link to post
Share on other sites

Definition of Guts and Balls

 

Medical Distinctions

 

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them?

 

In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below...

 

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning,

or are you flying somewhere?"

 

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt

and having the balls to say: "You're next."

 

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

 

Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.

 

BB

Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

×
×
  • Create New...