Any New Jokes

[Hamokhamok]

Next time you go to the public toilets (men's) you may observe one of the following types of vistors:

 

Excitable Type -

Pants are twisted, cannot find hole, rips pants in anger.

 

Sociable Type -

Joins pals for a piss whether he needs one or not.

 

Timid Type -

Cannot pee if anyone is watching, pretends he has been and sneaks back later.

 

Nosy Type -

Peeps over partition to have a look at the other fellow's tool.

 

Indifferent Type -

All urinals being occupied, uses sink.

 

Clever Type -

Pees without holding tool, shows off by adjusting tie at the same time, pees on foot.

 

Vain Type -

Undoes 5 buttons when 2 will do.

 

Absent-Minded Type -

Opens jacket, takes out tie, pees in pants.

 

Worried Type -

Is not quite sure what he has been up to lately, makes a furtive but close inspection of tool while peeing.

 

Disgruntled Type -

Stands for a while, grunts, farts, tries to pee, fails, farts again and walks out muttering.

 

Conceited Type -

Holds 2-inch tool like a baseball bat while peeing.

 

Sneaky Type -

Drops silent farts while peeing and looks at the bloke next to him.

 

Sloppy Type -

Pees on shoe, walks out with flies undone, adjusts himself ten minutes later.

 

Learned Type -

Reads a book or newspaper while peeing.

 

Childish Type -

Watches bubbles at bottom of the urinal while peeing.

 

Efficient Type -

Waits until has to poop and does both at the same time.

 

Strong Type -

Bangs tool on side of urinal to remove drops.

 

Drunken Type -

Pulls out tool, sees two, puts one away, and pees in trousers.

 

Embarrassed Type -

Covers tool with both hands and pees through fingers.

 

Cock-Eyed Type -

Stands in one cubical and pees in next one.

[Hamokhamok]

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?

 

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't knowJack Schitt!'

 

Well, thanks to genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

 

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.

 

Awe Schitt was married to O. Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, and owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

 

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

 

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.

 

After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

 

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a

Son with a rather nervous disposition who was nick-named Chicken Schitt.

 

Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.

 

The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the

Schitt-Happens nuptials.

 

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

 

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.

 

He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride,

Pisa Schitt.

 

Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you

Can correct them.

 

Sincerely,

 

Crock O. Schitt

 

NOTE: PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO ANYONE WHO NEEDS A LAUGH.

 

 

REMEMBER: IF YOU DON'T THEN YOU MIGHT POSSIBLY BE RELATED TO FULLA SCHITT

[Flashermac]

[Hamokhamok]

A seriously depressed woman stands at the edge of a cliff, trying to get the nerve up to jump.

 

A passing hobo stops and says, "since you're about to kill yourself anyway, would you mind if we had sex first?"

 

 

The woman said "Hell no...get away from me!"

 

 

The bum turned to leave and muttered "Fine, I'll just go wait at the bottom."

[Hamokhamok]

 

Texting Codes For Seniors

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Young people have theirs,

 

now Seniors have their own texting codes:

 

*

ATD

- At the Doctor's

 

*

BFF

- Best Friends Funeral

 

*

BTW

- Bring the Wheelchair

 

*

BYOT

-

Bring Your Own Teeth

 

*

CBM

- Covered by Medicare

 

*

CUATSC- See You at the Senior Center

 

*

DWI

- Driving While Incontinent

 

*

FWIW

-

Forgot Where I Was

 

* GGPBL- Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low

 

*

GHA

- Got Heartburn Again

 

*

HGBM

-

Had Good Bowel Movement

 

* LMDO- Laughing My Dentures Out

 

*

LOL

- Living on Lipitor

 

*

OMSG

-

Oh My! Sorry, Gas

 

*

TOT

-

Texting on Toilet

 

*

WAITT

-

Who Am I Talking To?

 

 

Hope these help.

 

 

GGLKI (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in!)

[Hamokhamok]

Two Aussies, Davo and Johnno, were adrift in a lifeboat.. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Davo stumbled across an old lamp.

He rubbed the lamp vigorously and a genie came forth.

 

This genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

 

Without giving much thought to the matter, Davo blurted out, "Turn the entire ocean into beer. Make that Victoria Bitter!"

 

The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the sea turned into the hard-earned thirst quencher. The genie vanished.

Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.

 

 

Johnno looked disgustedly at Davo whose wish had been granted.

After a long, tension-filled moment Johnno said, "Nice going Davo! Now we're going to have to piss in the boat."

[Hamokhamok]

Medicine has finally found the correct and most accurate way to measure blood pressure for men.

 

 

 

 

 

My doctor's nurse (Michelle) takes my BP like this all the time.

My pressure is normal.... 522 over 418.

That's OK, isn't it???

[Hamokhamok]

An elderly married couple was at home watching TV.

 

The husband had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.

 

The wife became more and more annoyed and finally said: "For god's sake! Leave it on the porn channel. You already know how to fish!"

[Hamokhamok]

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

 

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....

 

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!

 

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

 

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

 

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

 

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

 

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador.â€Bugger that†says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

 

 

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.

 

 

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.

 

A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheelchair.

 

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said you're obviously not listening.

 

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

 

Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London. Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.

 

Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.

 

They've had to cancel the panto 'Jack & the Beanstalk' in Birmingham, Bristol, Oldham, Bradford, Burnley, Leicester, Luton and London. Apparently the giant couldn't smell any Englishmen.

 

When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkas saying that they wouldn’t feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!

 

Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter’, who has stabbed six people in the arse in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

 

Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!

 

A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."

 

Murphy says to Paddy "What ya talkin to an envelope for?"

"I'm sending a voicemail ya thick sod!"

 

Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.

 

19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?"

Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."

 

An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat.

[Hamokhamok]

Childbirth at 65

Too good not to pass on, Enjoy!!! Another great one!

 

With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth.

When she was discharged from the hospital and went home,

I went to visit. 'May I see the new baby?' I asked

'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can chat for a while first.'

Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'

'No, not yet,' She said.

After another few minutes had elapsed, I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'

'No, not yet,' replied my friend.

Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'

WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.

'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'

BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?!!'