Any New Jokes

[Flashermac]

[Hamokhamok]

 

The Moral of This Story is....BRILLIANT!!!!

 

 

 

This is a story about

A Fly, a Fish, a Bear,

A Hunter, a Mouse and a Cat.

 

 

There is a moral to this story...

In the dead of summer a fly was resting among leaves beside a stream.

 

The hot, dry fly said to no one in particular,

 

'Gosh...if I go down three inches

I will feel the mist

From the water and I will be refreshed.'

There was a fish in the water thinking,

 

'Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches, I can eat him.'

There was a bear on the shore thinking,

 

'Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches

That fish will jump for the fly...

And I will grab the fish!!'

It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank

Of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich...

 

'Gosh,' he thought, 'if that fly goes down three inches...

And that fish leaps for it....

That bear will expose himself and grab for the fish.

I'll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch.'

Now, you probably think this is

Enough activity on one river bank,

But I can tell you there's more...

A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking,

 

'Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches...

And that fish jumps for that fly...

And that bear grabs for that fish...

The dumb hunter will shoot the bear

And drop his cheese sandwich.'

A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought,

(as was fashionable to do on the banks of

This particular river around lunch time)

 

'Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches

And that fish jumps for that fly

And that bear grabs for that fish

And that hunter shoots that bear

And that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich,

Then I can have mouse for lunch.'

The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he

Heads down for the cooling mist of the water.

The fish swallows the fly...

 

The bear grabs the fish..

 

The hunter shoots the bear...

 

The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich...

The cat jumps for the mouse,

And the mouse ducks...

 

The cat falls into the water and drowns.

 

NOW, The Moral Of The Story...

Whenever a fly goes down three inches,

 

Some pussy's gonna be in serious danger.

 

Didn't see that one coming, did you?

[Flashermac]

[bust]

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh. I wonder what happened to this Parrot?"

 

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

 

"Holy shit," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"

 

"I got every word," says the parrot.†I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."

 

"Oh yeah?", the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

 

"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my willie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

 

"Wow" says the guy, "you really can understand and speak English, can't you!?"

 

"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

 

The guy looks at the $200 price tag.†Sorry, but I just can't afford that."

 

"Pssssssst" says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!"

 

The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he

sympathizes, and he's insightful.

 

The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes "Psssssssssssst" and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."

 

"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.

 

"When the postman delivered today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie and kissed him passionately."

 

"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"

 

"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over" reported the parrot.

 

"My God!" he exclaims. "Then what?"

 

"Then he lifted up the nightie, got down on his knees and began to lick her all over, starting with her breasts and slowly going down..."

 

"WELL???" demands the frantic guy, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

 

"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch."

[Hamokhamok]

Paraprosdokians

A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to re-frame or re-interpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect. For this reason, it is extremely popular among comedians and satirists.

• I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
  
• Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
  
• I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
  
• Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
  
• The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
  
• Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
  
• If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
  
• We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.
  
• War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
  
• Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
  
• Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
  
• To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
  
• A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
  
• How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
  
• Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
  
• Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
  
• I didn't say it was your fault; I said I was blaming you.
  
• Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars but check when you say the paint is wet?
  
• Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ?
  
• Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
  
• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
  
• You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
  
• The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
  
• Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
  
• A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
  
• Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
  
• Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
  
• Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
  
• I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
  
• When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
  
• You're never too old to learn something stupid.
  
• To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
  
• Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
  
• Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
  
• A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
  
• If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
  
• Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
  

[Hamokhamok]

In a Bangkok Temple :

IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.

 

Cocktail lounge, Norway:

LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

 

Doctor's office, Rome :

SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

 

Dry cleaners, Bangkok :

DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

 

In a Nairobi restaurant:

CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE, OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

 

On the main road to Mombasa, leaving Nairobi :

TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

 

On a poster at Kencom:

ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP.

 

In a City restaurant:

OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

 

In a Cemetery:

PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS, FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES

 

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:

GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE, OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.

 

On the menu of a Swiss Restaurant:

OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

 

In a Tokyo Bar:

SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

 

Hotel, Yugoslavia:

THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE, IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

 

Hotel, Japan:

YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

 

In the lobby of a Moscow Hotel, across from a Russian Orthodox Monastery:

YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY, WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY, EXCEPT THURSDAY.

 

A sign posted in Germany 's Black Forest :

IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE, THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT, UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.

 

Hotel, Zurich :

BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

 

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand :

WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

 

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen :

WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

 

A Laundry in Rome :

LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND THEN SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.

 

And finally the all time classic:

 

Seen in an Abu Dhabi Souk shop window:

IF THE FRONT IS CLOSED PLEASE ENTER THROUGH MY BACKSIDE…

[Coss]

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Flashermac]

What's a nickle?

[Mekong]

Thatchers Dead

Fergie Retires

 

There is some cunt on Merseyside rubbing a lamp with one wish left!

[Hamokhamok]

Downton Abbey - "Aplomb"

 

His Lordship was in the study at Downton Abbey when the butler approached and coughed discreetly.

 

"May I ask you a question, My Lord?"

 

"Go ahead, Carson," said His Lordship.

 

"I am doing the crossword in The Times and I have found a word I am not too clear on."

 

"What word is that?" asked His Lordship.

 

"Aplomb," My Lord.

 

"Now that's a difficult one to explain. I would say it is self-assurance or complete composure."

 

"Thank you, My Lord, but I'm still a little confused."

 

"Let me give you an example to make it clearer. Do you remember a few months ago when the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge arrived to spend a weekend with us?"

 

"I remember the occasion very well, My Lord. It gave the staff and myself much pleasure to look after them."

 

"Also," continued the Earl of Grantham, "do you remember when Wills plucked a rose for Kate in the rose garden?"

 

"I was present on that occasion, My Lord, ministering to their needsâ€.

 

"While plucking the rose, a thorn embedded itself in his thumb very deeply."

 

"I witnessed the incident, My Lord, and saw the Duchess herself remove the thorn and bandage his thumb with her own dainty handkerchief."

 

"That evening the prick on his thumb was so sore. Kate had to cut up his venison from our own estate, even though it was extremely tender."

 

"Yes, My Lord, I did see everything that transpired that evening."

 

"The next morning while you were pouring coffee for Her Ladyship, Kate inquired of Wills with a loud voice, 'Darling, does your prick still throb?' And you, Carson, did not spill one drop of coffee! THAT is aplomb."