Any New Jokes

[Hamokhamok]

T

HE IRISH PROSTITUTE

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years.

Upon her return, her father cursed her heavily.

Where have ye been all this time, child?

Why did ye not write to us, not even a line?

Why didn't ye call?

Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?'

 

The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff... Dad.... I became a prostitute.'

 

'Ye what!!?

Get outta here, ye shameless harlot!

Sinner!

You're a disgrace to this

Catholic

family.'

 

'OK, Dad... As ye wish.

I just came back to give Mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate.

For me little brother, this gold Rolex.

And for ye, Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes Limited Edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a membership to the country club... (takes a breath)... And an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera .'

 

'Now what was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.

 

Girl, crying again, 'Sniff, sniff... A prostitute, Daddy! Sniff, sniff.

 

'Oh! Be Jesus!

Ye scared me half to death, girl!

I thought ye said a

PROTESTANT ! !

Come here and give yer old Dad a hug!!!'

[Flashermac]

I haven't heard that one in thirty years or more.

[Hamokhamok]

ROBOT FOR SALE

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.

 

He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that day.

The son says, "I did some schoolwork." The robot slaps the son.

 

The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."

Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"

Son says, "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son.

 

Son says, "Ok, Ok we were watching porn."

Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was!"

The robot slaps the father.

 

Mom laughs and says, "Well he certainly is your son!"

The robot slaps the mother!

 

End of Story

 

P.S. Robot For Sale

[Hamokhamok]

Melbourne Control Tower

 

You gotta love this one even if you've never lived in Melbourne .

Some of you (pilots...) will enjoy this more than others.... Victorians can be so polite!

 

Melbourne Tower : "Saudi Air 511 -- You are cleared to land on runway 9R."

Saudi Air : "Thank you Melbourne . Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R �

Allah be Praised."

 

Melbourne Tower : " Iran Air 711 - You are cleared to land on runway 27L."

Iran Air : "Thank you Melbourne . We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 27L. - Allah is Great."

 

Pause....

Saudi Air : " MELBOURNE TOWER - MELBOURNE TOWER !"

Melbourne Tower : "Go ahead Saudi Air 511..."

Saudi Air : "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE . ... .. .. ... INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE!"

 

Melbourne Tower : "Proceed to your destination and tell Allah we said "Hi".

[Hamokhamok]

Mates

 

 

 

A man invites his mate back home for dinner.

 

 

His wife screams at him, "I've not done my hair, not done my make up, not done any housework, not done the dishes & can't be bothered with cooking! What the f**k did you invite him round for?"

 

"’Cos he's thinking of getting married."

[Hamokhamok]

These are classified ads which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:

 

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.

8 years old, Hateful little bastard. Bites!

___________________________________________

FREE PUPPIES

1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

________________________________________________

FREE PUPPIES. Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.

Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound..

_______________________________________________________

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale.

________________________________________________________

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!

Must sell washer and dryer £100.

_____________________________________________________________

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.

Worn once by mistake.

Call Stephanie.

___________________________________________________________

 

FOR SALE BY OWNER. Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.

Excellent condition, £200 or best offer.

No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

 

(Statement of the Century)

___________________________________________________________

___________________________________________________________

 

Children Are Quick

 

TEACHER: Why are you late?

STUDENT: Class started before I got here.

 

____________________________________

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?' GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'

TEACHER: No, that's wrong

GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

(I Love this child)

____________________________________________

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

DONALD: H I J K L M N O.

TEACHER: What are you talking about?

DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

__________________________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.

WINNIE: Me!

__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?

GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

_______________________________________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I '

MILLIE: I is..

TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'

MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'

________________________________

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?

LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand......

______________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

______________________________

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his?

CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

 

(I want to adopt this kid!!!)

___________________________________

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

HAROLD: A teacher

__________________________________

 

 

PASS IT AROUND AND MAKE SOMEONE LAUGH

 

 

Due to current economic conditions the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off..

[Hamokhamok]

A couple were celebrating 50 years together.. Their three kids, all

very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.

 

 

"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number one. 'Sorry I'm

running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how

it is, and I didn't have time to get you a gift."

 

 

"Not to worry," said the father. "The important thing is that we're

all together today."

 

 

Son number two arrived and announced, "You and Mom look great, Dad.

I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have time to

shop for you."

 

 

"It's nothing," said the father. "We're glad you were able to

come."

 

 

Just then the daughter arrived. "Hello and happy anniversary! I'm

sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so

I didn't have time to get you anything."

 

 

 

After they had finished dessert, the father said, "There's

something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see,

we were very poor.

 

Despite this, we were able to send each of you to college.

 

Throughout the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very

much, but we just never found the time to get married."

 

 

The three children gasped and all said, "You mean we're

bastards?"

 

 

"Yep," said the father. "And cheap ones too."

[Hamokhamok]

Of all the blonde jokes, this one has to be the best -- because it

makes football make sense!

 

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had

great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked

her how she liked it.

 

 

 

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and

all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were

killing each other over 25 cents."

 

 

Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?"

 

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of

the game, all they kept screaming was... 'Get the quarterback! Get the

quarterback!' I'm like... Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!"

[Hamokhamok]

 

 

Two nuns, Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe

 

in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the

car and hisses through the windshield.

 

"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Catherine. "What shall we do?"

 

"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says

Sister Helen.

 

Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings

on and continues hissing at the nuns.

 

"What shall I do now?" she shouts.

 

"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the

Vatican ," says Sister Helen.

 

Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the

water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

 

"Now what?" shouts Sister Catherine.

 

"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.

 

"Now you're talking," says Sister C atherine.

 

She opens the window and shouts, "Get the fuck off the car!"

[Hamokhamok]

Teacher: Who is the president of the United States?

 

John: I don't know Miss.

 

Teacher: You need to focus more on your studies.

 

John: Miss, can I ask you a question?

 

Teacher: Yes.

 

John: Do you know Angela?

 

Teacher: No, why?

 

John: You need to focus more on your husband!