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A young man named Bertie wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend. They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived quite a distance away. He consulted with his sister and decided after careful consideration that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note, not too romantic and not too personal.


Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of knickers for herself at the same time.


Harrods had a free gift wrap offer, but the idiot assistant mixed up the two items - the sister got the gloves and Bertie got the knickers. He sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter:


Dear Paula,


I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove). These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled at all.


I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them, even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.


Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.


All my love,




P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.



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On similar lines, but this is true.   MLG wants to send a small parcel to the USA from NZ. OK Wrap it and we're off to the post office. Post it in Mid December. No tracking, too expensive.   After

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A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying: 'God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa.'


The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye grandpa?' The little girl said, 'I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do.' The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this:


'God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma..' The next day the grandmother died. Oh my gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side. Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say:


'God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy.'


He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack-of-dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.


He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.


When he got home his wife said 'I've never seen you work so late, whatâ??s the matter?' He said 'I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life.'


She said, 'You think you had a bad day, youâ??ll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!

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Luigi and Marco grew up together in a small village in the south of Italy. When they were 15 Marco decided that he would move to Rome to find a job as he didn't see any possibility of earning big money in the little hamlet.


Thirty years went by and Marco decided to revisit his old friend Luigi. Although Marco had done well for himself in Rome and was now the manager of a medium sized engineering company he was surprised to see that Luigi, who had stayed in the same village, was now an extremely wealthy man. He had a fine house, a Ferrari sports car and a large ocean going yacht. After a fine meal at his house Luigi suggested to Marco that they take a walk around his large estate at the top of the village.


"You know Marco, sometimes I wish I'd gone with you to Rome when we were both 15. The people in this village are so narrow minded."


"You see the new marina in the harbour-I built that with my own construction company but do you think they call me Luigi the bringer of wealth? No. Such small minded people."


"You see the new church in the village square- I funded that but do you think they call me Luigi the provider? No. Such small minded people."


"You see the new school just across from the church - I designed it and built it but do you think they call me Luigi the father of our education? No. Such small minded people."


"But you fuck one little sheep!"


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A Aussie bride on her wedding night says to her husband, "I must confess darling, I used to be a hooker!"


He says, "That's alright, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it?"


"Well", she replies, "My name was Nigel, and I played for Sydney Bulls!"

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Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two 'working girls' and take them back to their hotel rooms.


The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection and his depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his friend shouting cries of.."Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE UGH"..."Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE, UGH!"


This went on all night long.


In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?"


The first mutters, "It was embarrassing. I couldn't get an erection."


The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't even get on the bed."

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