Dilemma

[HeartThais]

So, I've started getting the marriage talk from the gf. Since I now have a new job in HK, she wants to come too but only if we get married. I'm getting older so it may be the time to settle down. Until about 5 years ago, I basically planned on getting married in my late 30s. After my first visit to Thailand 5 years ago, I've slowly changed my thinking.

 

My thinking now is that I don't ever need to get married. I feel that marriage is becoming obsolete. It's a fossil of an era where friendships were difficult to maintain and people were worried about being lonely. Now I think that all I need are my friends and a string of fuckbuddies. When I get older, I'll just use whores exclusively. The most important thing is friends which often seem to suffer due to relationships.

 

My girl is pretty awesome. She's a pediatrician, comes from a great family, easy on the eyes, and pretty fun to be with. I love the girl except that I just can't imagine wanting to wake up next to her every day of my life. I'd love to keep her as a very close friend (and occasional lay).

 

So, if you don't plan on having kids, is there any positive to being married? I'm serious. I've asked my married friends to come up with reasons they are married and none of them came up with anything convincing.

[MaiLuk]

Is she giving you one of those ultimatum things? You know, where she says "we've been together a long time, I'm not getting younger, are you just using me, if you care about me you would give me a ring, if you don't have the balls to commit to me i'll have to move on" etc.

 

Uh... if that is what you are getting its a very bad omen for your future. That is, when the whole thing is the girl's idea and you are dragged along.

 

Good points about marriage will have to be discussed by others, because mine had very few. Must be good things about it though since people keep tying the knot. Some multiple times.

 

 

[sui_lo]

Advantages if no kids:

 

Visas for her (will only get 1 month at a time for HK if you're not married - can get visa to match you as a dependent if you are married).

 

Security for her - if anything happens to you...

 

Rest of my reasons are about kids...

 

Will think some more...

 

 

[shygye]

This is not what you want to hear ...

 

If you don't want to marry then do not marry. You will just make yourself and her [color:red]miserable[/color].

 

Cut her loose so she can find someone to marry. She may want children which is a big reason to marry. If she is truly a friend then you are doing her a disservice by not looking her directly in the eyes and saying you will never marry her.

[HeartThais]

Yeah, I'm about to cut her loose. There are a lot of things I don't want to do that I do. I'm convinced that marriage is a sucker's game but I also realize that I may not know everything. I just want to hear someone play devil's advocate convincingly.

[rchapstick]

The fact that you are talking about cutting her loose suggests that marriage would be a bad idea. You aren't doing her any favors stringing her along, if she has marriage on her mind.

[ChristianTroy]

Oh yeah that is an excellent post of yours!

 

Marriage a relic of the past.....

I think marriage is still a pretty good concept but not for anyone! I guess those people that make 3 weeks vacation in Pattaya, barfine a girl and stay with them the entire time, yeah those would seriously disagree with you.

 

I basically think it is society that tells us that marrying is an appropriate thing to do. I just think people marry way too early and most of the times when people in the western world marry at their 20ies it is for the same reasons as why a sponsor buys out a BG from her work.... to block this person from others!

 

I don't really think you are in a Dilemma because you have made up your mind already, you haven't finished hunting and exploring and your pediatrician lady won't stay with you for good unless you marry her. her biological watch is making "tick tock" and will ring the alarm anytime soon. That is your chance to be totally straight and honest with her and tell her what you told us. I always wonder how telling a shocking truth works so much better than some sweet lip lie.

[AF16]

Convincing argument? Probably not as you write what you write, but for me it gives a different feeling to stay with one person and get to know each other in a deeper way, than just having friends and someone to fuck.

 

I can not even say, and I know you specifically wanted this left out, what makes having a child special, but it has made me more happy than I ever could imagine.

 

It's just a feeling one have ..... or don't. Up to you.

[ChristianTroy]

Not sure why this is in response to me, I suggest you read what I have said word by word and pay attention to the details!

 

What I have said was that people usually marry too early, I also said that marriage is a pretty good concept! Some people aren't capable of being monogamous and in a country like Thailand things getting worse.

 

I can be very deep with female friends, probably even more than anyone can go with his wife because I am not about to hurt ones feelings when I speak the truth and when I speak my mind! It is also theoretical again, something that start pissing me off big time on this board. You can have regular girls and can be very intimate with them, you can like them, love them to some extent and you can spend beautiful nights with them and wake up with a smile on your face and feel safe and happy.

 

Having a child must be the most beautiful thing in the world, the question is when is the right time and what is the right environment. I know I wouldn't reproduce until this phase of my life is over and I wouldn't stay in a relationship because the child needs a father. The child is better off with a single mom instead of witnessing an unstable relationship where frustration is the most basic emotion. However, a child wasn't the topic and it wasn't left out on purpose!

 

It is also a huge difference to live in Thailand or to live in Farangland where men running out of options and and are happy to find one girl the get along with fine! In Thailand you have literally hundreds of thousand options, this changes the perspective a little, don't you think? People don't drive the same car their entire life, people don't wear the same pair of shoes their entire life and people don't listen to the same CD their entire life. Because it is natural to want something new once in a while. Now everyone could argue that marriage means to make compromises and that you have to focus on what is important and all this other political correct stuff. Living YOUR life is what is important and when you really find a woman that fits into your life then it is probably time to settle down. Not sooner nor later!

 

From every male married person I have met in Thailand KS and Cent might be the only ones who doesn't cheat on their wifes! I see family fathers walking with their 2 kids and their wife on the beach and at night I see them with two 18yo on their lab drinking booze. Why? Because they can! Somewhere in Norway or Germany it is not that easy and uncomplicated and that is the main reason people get settled. If a man could fuck a girl by snapping with his fingers like in Thailand there wouldn't be half as many marriages as there are now. Why? Because it is in the mens nature until they have enough of it. For one it happens earlier and for others later and for a few never, the main things is that one is happy and happiness doesn't necessarily mean that one needs deep conversations with a wife, working 9 to 5, behaving like a grown up and only doing appropriate things and settle down, happiness is what makes one as an individual happy and completes his life. That could be anything.

[Zaad]

HeartThais,

 

Now I think that all I need are my friends and a string of fuckbuddies. When I get older, I'll just use whores exclusively. The most important thing is friends which often seem to suffer due to relationships.

 

To each his own.

Can't even understand why you consider(ed) marrying this girl looking at your words above.

 

She's probably just being honest to you by telling you her future plans and I guess she wants to find out how you feel about sharing it with her.

 

Just be honest back and give her your thoughts.

Since you don't seem to be willing to give up your freedom for this girl (your given right) there's IMHO no sense in keeping the truth away from her even if it means the end of you two.

 

So, if you don't plan on having kids, is there any positive to being married? I'm serious. I've asked my married friends to come up with reasons they are married and none of them came up with anything convincing.

 

What ain't convincing to you is the ideal for others, which basically means marriage isn't your thing.

 

I'd say spare yourself/ves the trouble and don't get into it until it does sound convincing to you. Only then do you have a small chance surviving one

 

If you choose not to be straightforward and brush the marriage talk aside every time she mentions it then it's only a matter of time before she gets your point. Not sure the latter gives you a better chance of keeping her over being honest from the start.

 

She may respect the fact that you're just trying to live your life as she's trying to live hers.