dave32 Posted August 8, 2010 Report Share Posted August 8, 2010 And the lord did order the those on T360 to never profane these holy texts... -------- 10. 2 Kings 2:23-24 NKJV Then he went up from there to Bethel; and as he was going up the road, some youths came from the city and mocked him, and said to him, “Go up, you baldhead! Go up, you baldhead!†So he turned around and looked at them, and pronounced a curse on them in the name of the LORD. And two female bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the youths. Lesson: Don't fuck with the grumpy old men. 9. Mark 14:51-52 NASB A young man was following Him, wearing nothing but a linen sheet over his naked body; and they seized him. But he pulled free of the linen sheet and escaped naked. Lesson: Always carry spare linen. 8. Deuteronomy 23:1 ESV No one whose testicles are crushed or whose male organ is cut off shall enter the assembly of the Lord. Lesson: The lord is still conflicted about Katoeys. They can hang out in the parking lot though. 7. Genesis 38:8-10 NASB Then Judah said to Onan, “Go in to your brother’s wife, and perform your duty as a brother-in-law to her, and raise up offspring for your brother.†Onan knew that the offspring would not be his; so when he went in to his brother’s wife, he wasted his seed on the ground in order not to give offspring to his brother. But what he did was displeasing in the sight of the LORD; so He took his life also. Lesson: Don't waste good seed! This means putting it in handbags too. 6. 1 Samuel 18:25-27 ESV Then Saul said, “Thus shall you say to David, ‘The king desires no bride-price except a hundred foreskins of the Philistines, that he may be avenged of the king’s enemies.’†Now Saul thought to make David fall by the hand of the Philistines. And when his servants told David these words, it pleased David well to be the king’s son-in-law. Before the time had expired, David arose and went, along with his men, and killed two hundred of the Philistines. And David brought their foreskins, which were given in full number to the king, that he might become the king’s son-in-law. And Saul gave him his daughter Michal for a wife. Lesson: Sin Sod doesn't always have to be cash. 5. Exodus 4:24-25 NASB Now it came about at the lodging place on the way that the LORD met him and sought to put him to death. Then Zipporah took a flint and cut off her son’s foreskin and threw it at Moses’ feet, and she said, “You are indeed a bridegroom of blood to me.†Lesson: Uncircumsized Europeans! 4. Ezekiel 16:17 NIV You also took the fine jewelry I gave you, the jewelry made of my gold and silver, and you made for yourself male idols and engaged in prostitution with them. Lesson: Sometimes the ladies like a little variation in routine. 3. Ezekiel 23:19-20 NET Yet she increased her prostitution, remembering the days of her youth when she engaged in prostitution in the land of Egypt. She lusted after their genitals as large as those of donkeys, and their seminal emission was as strong as that of stallions. Lesson: I think that was a typo. It's not supposed to be Egypt, but LOS ANGELES CALIFORNIA. 2. Judges 3:19-25 ESV And Ehud reached with his left hand, took the sword from his right thigh, and thrust it into his belly. And the hilt also went in after the blade, and the fat closed over the blade, for he did not pull the sword out of his belly; and the dung came out. Lesson: Always use the restroom before self-disembowelment. 1. Deuteronomy 25:11-12 NASB If two men, a man and his countryman, are struggling together, and the wife of one comes near to deliver her husband from the hand of the one who is striking him, and puts out her hand and seizes his genitals, then you shall cut off her hand; you shall not show pity. Lesson: If you wanna put your hands on the holiest of holies, there is a protocol. ---- Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Redbaron Posted August 8, 2010 Report Share Posted August 8, 2010 good grief Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vintage_Kwai Posted August 8, 2010 Report Share Posted August 8, 2010 And from the title I thought it would be something from NG.. Ah well. What've you been smoking? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shygye Posted August 9, 2010 Report Share Posted August 9, 2010 frankincense :bangit: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nervous God Posted August 9, 2010 Report Share Posted August 9, 2010 I'm impressed@ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
expat Posted August 9, 2010 Report Share Posted August 9, 2010 Made me laugh out loud a couple times. If I didn't know for a fact that the bible is the word of god and every word is therefore true, this might just make me a bit suspicious. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dumsoda Posted August 9, 2010 Report Share Posted August 9, 2010 I'm....Nervous.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TroyinEwa/Perv Posted August 9, 2010 Report Share Posted August 9, 2010 I'm....Nervous.... I thought god used to be. Now I'm confused. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
robaus Posted August 9, 2010 Report Share Posted August 9, 2010 LOL My son, have you considered a "missionary position" with the Landover Baptist Church You'll love it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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