Any New Jokes

[The_Munchmaster]

One day a man went on a business trip to Florida.

 

He saw this hooker and he asked, "How much for a hand job?"

 

The hooker replied, "100 Dollars."

 

The man said, "100 Dollars, that's a lot of goddamn money."

 

So the hooker pulled him to the side and said, "See that Mercedes, I paid for that by giving hand jobs."

 

So he gave her the money and received the best hand job he had ever had.

 

The next day he saw her again and asked, "How much for a head job?"

 

She replied, "200 Dollars"

 

"200 Dollars, that's a lot of goddamn money"

 

She pulled him to the side and said, "You see that yacht by the pier, I paid for that yacht by giving head jobs."

 

So he gave her the money and got the best head job of his life.

 

On his last day in Florida he returned to the hooker and said, "The hand job was good, the head job was great, how much for the whole package."

 

"1000 Dollars", she replied.

 

"1000 dollars, that's a lot of goddamn money".

 

So she pulled him to one side and said, "You see that island over there. I could afford that if I had a pussy."

[Torneyboy]

The English rugby team

[The_Munchmaster]

TB, they did better than the Aussie rugby team.

[The_Munchmaster]

Pete the Kiwi builder was going through a house he had just built, with the woman who owned it, and she was telling him what colour to paint each room.

 

They went into the first room and she said "I want this room to be painted a light blue."

 

Pete went to the front door and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"

 

When he went back into the house, she told him that the next room was to be bright red.

 

Pete went to the front door and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"

 

When he went back into the house, she told him that the next room was to be tan.

 

Pete again went to the front door and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"

 

When he came back, the lady was pretty curious, so she said to him, "I keep telling you colours, but you just go out the front and yell green side up; what is that for?"

 

Pete replied, "Oh don't worry about that, it's because I've got a couple of Aussies laying the turf out front."

[The_Munchmaster]

Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They managed to bag 6.

 

As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose.

 

The two lads objected strongly.

 

'Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours.'

 

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.

 

However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down.

 

Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Paddy, Mick and the pilot survived the crash.

 

After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, 'Any idea where we are?'

 

Mick replied, 'I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year.'

[The_Munchmaster]

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day.

 

Mick, the bartender says, "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight Paddyâ?Â.

 

Paddy replies, "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then."

 

Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. He pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face again! He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly-crawls to the door and shimmies up the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep

breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.

 

"'Bejesus ... I'm screwed," he says. He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs, then crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says, "I can make it to the bed." He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He crawls over and falls into bed.

 

The next morning, his wife Jess comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?"

 

Paddy says, "I did Jess. But how'd you know?"

 

"Mick phoned. You left your wheelchair at the pub."

[Dumsoda]

2.5....2.5.....2.5

 

That's Thai for ..half a 555

 

That's amost as bad as teddy's Potato clock...

 

 

.... or the Clock Bill showed Monica...555

 

...But Mr President...that's a cock...not a clock...

no probs...Monny...it'll be a clock when it gets 2 hands and a face on it!!!!!!!!

 

 

Cheers DC

[Torneyboy]

Yeah a bit sick MM..

[The_Munchmaster]

Which one are you talking about TB? The one about the Kiwi builder and the Aussie turf layers or the one about the Irish moose hunters or the one about the drunk Irishman?

[cavanami]

WORLD WAR III IS COMING

 

President Bush and Rumsfeld are sitting in a bar.

 

A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that

Bush and Rumsfeld sitting over there?"

 

The bartender says, "Yep, that's them."

 

So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a

real honor! What are you guys doing in here?"

 

Bush says, "We're planning WW III."

 

The guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

 

Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits.

 

The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits?

 

Why kill a blonde with big tits?"

Bush turns to Rumsfeld and says, "See, I told you, no one gives a shit about the 140 million Muslims".