Bargirls as friends?

[Guest]

Okay this is a wierd one, I have just come back from Thailand & had the best time of my life. As you do. Before I arrived in Thailand I had no clue whatsoever on how the bargirls operate. I found out though, and learned pretty quick. Now heres to my question, I picked up a small amount of the language while I was there and I have just bought a book/cd to learn more for my return visit. A bargirl who I spent time with in Bangkok is now e-mailing me, saying she misses me and loves me etc. Her English is really good, and (from what I know of her) she is really gentle and lovely to be around. A good heart it seems...

I have been keeping in touch with her too but only so I have a contact for when I go back. I don't want to pursue any kind of relationship other than friends (ahh). I really want to learn more of the language and she was really good at teaching me when I was there. We both had great fun together in everyway and she didn't want any money of me. Although I did buy her a few 'Cola's' she never asked me for them. Right, I know she is probably sending the same e-mail to many 'farang boyfriends' so I know she could be faking (or at least exaggerating) in how she misses me and is maybe only one mail away from saying she needs money.

Will she not want to know me when she finds out I'm not prepared to give her money? If I hang out with her of course I'll buy her things like food & drink but I don't want anything (read sexual services) from her. (just to help me with my Thai). Are they prepared to spend time like this with farangs? Or will she be off bonking at the first 1000baht note she sees? Are they interested in farangs as friends, or just an income? I presume just an income, imagine if Thailand was flooded with farangs but they were all broke. Hmmm...

I sent her an e-mail once asking her why she never asked me for money while I spent time with her, and I told her I knew she was making money from the drinks I bought for her (I kind of accused her & I really regret sending it). She replyed saying she was very sad that I thought she just wanted money off me and how she only made 30baht of the drinks I bought her, (90baht - I bought her three) - and she would spend time with me again like that if I was in Bangkok.

Now, I'm worried because I don't want to let her down or lead her on. Would she bother spending time unconditionally with me? Should I stop keeping in touch with her because I've got nothing to offer? Please advise!!

[anonymouse]

In my opinion and I'm no expert - before I get flamed!

Firstly if you are going to spend time with her outside of the bar she is going to lose revenue from customers and from the bar e.g. a barfine so it's likely she see's you as a potential source of income.I'd make your intentions known - maybe you could take her phone number and if she was free meet up for a meal or something when she wasn't working.

I've had bar-girl friends but usually money or/and sex crops up at sometime.

But give it a go you've nothing to lose just make your intentions as transparent as possible.

[Guest]

Just make it very clear you don't intend to pay her anything, VERY clear. Also make it clear that you don't want any kind of relationship above friendship. If she knows this and doesn't make excuses when you want to see her then maybe she's for real. I would tend to think she sees you as a long term prospect, win your trust and forfeit small money now for long term support later. If she knows this is not going to work with you then hell she could just like your company, stranger things have happened. Do you really think this could be the case, did you "click" before? It's possible I suppose.

I have been friends with one former bargirl for 3 years, I was a customer the first time, just one LT. After that I never paid her anything and never slept with her again but I meet up with her every time I'm in BKK and we spend a day or so together, I take her out and she gets to sightsee and show me round, I pay for everything of course but she gets no cash and just a small present, a box of chocolates or something. She'd rather spend her day off on a day out with me than sit in her flat and watch TV. She left the bar a few weeks after I met her, this was nothing to do with me, she just didn't like the job. Now she's a cashier in a shopping mall, less money but a lot more self-respect. Your girl could be like her, but she's still working so it's probably less likely, who knows? But it can happen, just make your feelings and intentions clear, eg. no long term relationship and no money from you, just friendship. You've nothing to lose, but don't get your hopes up.

[Steve]

A bargirl who I spent time with in Bangkok is now e-mailing me, saying she misses me and loves me etc.

Specifically what did you mean by the above statement? Did you two have sex or not? If you did, then of course the whole game, ritual of the bar scene is her emailing you telling you she 'loves you too much'. However, if you didn't sleep with her, then its easier to go the friend route. I have a few friends over there I never slept with and keep it that way.

If you have slept with her then its a little more delicate (even though I think she's just saying it). Either way be upfront and tell her you just want to be friends.

[think_too_mut]

[ January 08, 2002: Message edited by: Lazaro ]

[Lamock Chokaprret]

Despite a lot of what you read on this board, many of the bgs are pretty decent girls with good values. I'm friends with a few so I know this to be true. DJ1999's second paragraph was real good. Just take the friendship at face value, send no money - don't even talk about it - and see what happens.

Enjoy it for what it is but don't take advantage of the situation. Remember how she makes her living and if you take her up on that, then realize that the relationship may have changed and she is due suitable compensation. If discreetly provided, the relationship could continue at the level you're used to.

[Guest]

First of all, many thanks for the response.

To clear things up, yeah I did sleep with her, once. I know when you spend time with bar girls you get the whole girlfriend experience but with her it seemed especially genuine. For example, the first night I met her we talked for hours in the bar. (ok nothing unusual there) But, she told me that she fell in love with an Australian, spent 3 weeks with him and totally loved him, she said it was really hard saying goodbye to him & that she really misses him & when she e-mailed him, he only replied once stating he had a girlfriend back home & that was the end of it. She said he broke her heart. Now this could be the latest sob story to trick stupid sensitive farangs (like me) into maybe believing she is genuine, after all the sick brother/Buffalo story is becoming a little tired.

Looks wise she is beautiful, really natural, gorgeous eyes so I naturally took a shine to her. Also because it seemed like it was the first genuine conversation I was having with a Thai girl. That night was also the night I slept with her. One thing I have noticed though, upon my return, her initial e-mails were long (as opposed to the brief I miss you, I love you, I will wait for you to come back). They were written like the stuff was just pouring out of her head as she was typing it, emotionally heavy. After I sent the e-mail asking why didn't she ask me for money, she replied with a long letter that finished up with 'I love you much more than you thinks'.

For some reason that e-mail struck a chord with me. The night in the bar when she told me about the Australian I thought we clicked, bonded as you would with a girl from the West in similar circumstances, and after I read that particular e-mail, I've started to believe that maybe she thought so too. Most Thai's seem like lovely people when you speak to them, but she definitely seemed like a 'good heart'. Whenever I did little things ie - when I was playing against this Cambodian girl in a game of pool she miscued. I naturally put the ball back in its place and told her to take her shot again (as you do!). As my girl saw me do that, she called me over and gave me a hug and whispered to me 'you are very nice, you have good heart.' Now I'm aware that there is a chance she might really like me & be interested in me long-term, and I also know the sob story could be a lie, and she just wants me to fall for her so she can get what she wants from me, but I think I'm just going to play it by ear. My main concern is I don't want to hurt her if she really likes me, and I don't want to waste her time as I'm not going to pay for her services. I know its hard to know what a Thai girl really thinks of you, but I reckon I'll just take it as it comes.

 

Sorry for the lengthy post & thanks again for the advice,

Mr Ennui.

[Guest]

Personally, would never dream or even come near to considering a friendship with a former or "working" bar girl: simply because 99% of Thais strongly look down on those girls AND the men involved with them!

Also, What is there to talk about? may be someone could suggest a topic? Most of these girls are uneducated, and REALLY know very little about anything!!!

[khunsanuk]

Hi,

"Are they interested in farangs as friends, or just an income?"

Before I got married I spend a lot of time in the bars (specifically in a couple of them) and got to know a lot of the girls. To them it became clear very early on that I would not barfine them, nor would they make any money out of me (I was usually flat broke). However, I speak Thai and I got fairly close to a few, visiting their apartments, helping them translate letters from boyfriends, and on occassion lending a listening ear or even a shoulder to cry on. I would call that being a friend.

One incident left quite an impression with me. A friend of mine was visiting from back home and he hit it off with one my friends. Before accepting to be barfined by him though, she asked me if I would mind. I told her I did not and was happy that I did not have to worry about her tonight.

The walk back to his hotel (my friend had some food for me there) was really odd. She was holding hands with my friend and talking sweet to him in broken English, and in between she told me, in Thai, why she had been so sad the last few weeks. A close customer had just died of lung cancer.

To me this meant she sees my friend a customer, me as a friend.

Anyway, to get back to your current situation. Sure, stay in touch with her, but like the others said, make certain she understands not to expect anything (money or relationship). If she truly likes you this may be very difficult though, and she may just 'accept' these terms to keep the contact.

Sanuk!

[shygye]

quote:

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Originally posted by bonkerbon bonker:

Personally, would never dream or even come near to considering a friendship with a former or "working" bar girl: simply because 99% of Thais strongly look down on those girls AND the men involved with them!

Also, What is there to talk about? may be someone could suggest a topic? Most of these girls are uneducated, and REALLY know very little about anything!!!

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I guess you are the new TROLL.