advice needed

[Zaad]

It will only end when you are strong enough to make it end. The problem with putting up with a little bit of crap is that it never ends. You take a bit, then decide o.k. it was just once, then some more, and make another excuse, then again and another, then you say well, I've been with her for xyz amount of time...we can work through it...then it just is too much. Best to cut it off early, and move on.

 

Agreed with the above.

As I said earlier, IF the OP decides the have another go at it then demand FULL co-operation, 100% rehab effort and nothing less, because you deserve suchs demands.

 

That's what a second chance is all about, but I agree that very few people handle this way when it comes to women. Instead of being hard and fair for oneself they keep living in a world of hope and illusions until they're covered with shit.

 

I must admit though that it's hard to smell the shit if you've never been in it.

[AF16]

I've known her for about 10 months now. I am staying with her right now in her apartment for a couple months or so.

 

We are both in our early-mid 20's.

 

I don't ST or LT with any other ladies. I do go out drinking with friends though. She occasionally accuses me of having another lady (which I don't) which leads me to believe she may have or find a guy on the side as a back-up plan or maybe revenge (though un-needed and unjustified).

 

I don't sponsor her, though I am paying for her apartment while I am here. I have made it clear to her that I am looking for a long term relationship with her.

 

What I saw is eating me up inside. I guess I am hoping for the best.

 

I'll take all the advice into consideration.

 

 

This is what I were refering to. The cost of being proven 'right' are so high that it's easy to 'hope for the best'.

 

Could it be that you are at a state where you know you have to do something but are scared that by doing it you might loose her and instead hope for the best?

 

Could it be that you already know you have to do _ something _?

 

I find that in general one will benefit from being proactive, but that does not mean to blow a fuze and call her names. You can calmly talk to her that you have noticed a change in behavior that you are worried and take it from there, but not stop before there are a fully sattesfactory sollution for both. No risk no gain.

[ChristianTroy]

dunno if it was mentionend before, since it is too much to read, she said "this means nothing to me"

 

it could be an old friend / boyfriend / customer from her restaurant, at least she is not giving him a good feeling whoever it was.

 

The only thing that i so went wrong here was you checking her phone, privacy should be respected even when you doubt her.

 

Don't ditch the bitch, keep your eyes open, you say you love her, you won't ditch her over something mayb harmless.

 

sure it hurts to see that she is texting a farang, but who knows, maybe it was some ugly bloke who is stalking her.

 

Find out the truth and make your decission, everything else would just be paranoid!

[BigD]

Is it wrong for me to look at her phone? I know in the past before she has looked through mine when she thought I was sleeping.

 

Today she seemed to want to get away from me for a little bit. So I decided to record the room while I was gone. Everytime I wasn't there, she went back to her phone (I go to the shower.. she messages somebody... I go to 7-eleven to buy HER eggs.. she messages somebody)...

 

I confronted her again about it, she seems willing to make any excuse to not show me the phone. She goes even as far as to ask me why I am with her if I don't trust her. Sorry, but I have to protect myself. Trust is earned, not given. When it is lost something should be done to earn it back. In this case she is willing to do nothing(I only ask to see the phone and for her to prove there is no reason for me to doubt her).

 

OH - Why would I blame myself? I have done nothing but give my heart to this lady.

 

__

 

While I love her, it seems that she is not willing to prove that I can trust her. A relationship without trust is one destined to fail. It's a hard choice, but I think when I leave, it will be the last time I see her.

[Zaad]

Rorian,

 

She's doesn't admit her mysterious behavior, she fails to give you an explanation which you deserve, she's not willing to change herself and save the relationship and on top of that she's trying to put the blame on you...no co-operation whatsoever. Zero. Niente. Nada. Squat.

 

You tried to give it another go but it's hopeless, so don't blame yourself.

I wouldn't waste another second with her.

 

My few cents.

[Old Hippie]

Rorian, what CT doesn't get is SHE GAVE HER NUMBER TO ANOTHER GUY! how else would he have gotton it?

 

"...OH - Why would I blame myself? I have done nothing but give my heart to this lady..."\

 

 

Normal pattern with us guys who go nuts for a girl, we blame our selves thinking we failed her, and if we had done something different, it would have worked...then you start thinking "...one one try, if I do xyz, it will work..." It is called being stupid in love...been there, done that, have the t-shirt and key chain.

 

 

"...While I love her, it seems that she is not willing to prove that I can trust her. A relationship without trust is one destined to fail. It's a hard choice, but I think when I leave, it will be the last time I see her..."

 

Has has been proven, she does not trust you. You now do not trust her. So, why let it go on? there will always be a doubt in your mind, and she will always be suspicious. So don't drag it on. A lot of guys here love this kind of drama, and would drag it on forever, don't go that route.

 

[lembeh]

 

>A lie is a lie no matter if itâ??s about something â??trivialâ? or not. If she will lie about something trivial its only a matter of time until trivial turns into major and she lies about that too. When does it end?

 

 

Thai's lie. Its a central fact of life here, and I am not talking only about b/gs. In the west we think of it as a bad thing. By and large, Thai's do not see it that way. They see it as a way to:

1. Avoid confrontation

2. Save face

3. Prevent *you* being upset.

4. Just can't be arsed to tell you the real (complicated) reason.

5. maintain power ( I know the real story, you don't)

points 6 - 100 (yet more reasons)

 

Why are they so bad at it? Its only westerners who have the bad graces to *question* a lie. Between two Thai's the lie is given and accepted and they both know its a lie. But thats the end of the matter. Face saved all round, harmony restored, and everyone can be happy.

 

As said, westerners are bought up to *question* and not accept lies, and so they persue the lie -and the Thais are stumped - they have no "second tier" lie ready, so the lies get more and more absured. It can be fun (and frustrating) to "track down" lies with Thais. You *might* with perseverence get to the bottom of it - or you might not.

 

Like I said, its not a "bar girl" thing - its a central facet of thai life.

 

Now, my own personal feeling is that this is why so many relationships - Thai/farang fail. The farang cannot accept the lies and the thai (lady usually) cannot (or will not) throw over her entire up bringing and realize that westerners *value* honestly - really, really value it and they are not just saying that. Without the understanding and the compromise it gets to the stage where it all falls to bits.

 

Lastly, I think the previous poster said along the lines of if Thais are so bad at it, why do so many westerners fall for them. mainly for two reasons, one is that they are not used to some one whose *default* position is to lie, and secondly often they *want* to beleive the lie. Sixty year old guys *want* to beleive that 22 year old girls find them sexy and attractive....

 

So is the fault with the Thai girls who are raised to lie, as said pretty much by default, or the westeners who want to (or do) believe some lies (yes, you may be 60, grossly overweight and with poor hygine, but you *are* a sexy man!) but flip out with other lies (the buffalo is sick).....

-j-

[soongmak]

Excellent observations Josh!

 

Completely agree with you on this one. Lies do not necessarily mean that a girl is a bad apple. It takes some getting used to the fact that Thais lie. I'm still learning to cope with that. What is important is do those lies harm you or not?

 

An example of a good lie: My wife recently confessed that our thai wedding was more expensive than I thought. There were some unexpected costs amounting to 25,000 baht and she decided not to tell me, because she knew I would be terribly upset. She decided to pay this out of her own pocket and not to bother me, because she knew it would have spoilt our wedding day because I would have given her hell.

 

Instead the wedding day was great, she paid off the costs and came clean later. I think it was the best solution in the case. Telling the truth would've only spoilt the occasion. I agree that some truths best stay uncovered.

[Zaad]

I agree that some truths best stay uncovered.

 

Thats how I've operated all my life, and I don't quite look like a Thai

 

 

[soongmak]

You lying bastard, you!