Any New Jokes

[Hamokhamok]

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Went out last night and got really wasted. I woke up next to a fat bird who was snoring and farting.

At least I got home OK!!

_____________________

 

The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a home movie last night and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

________________________

 

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.

__________________________

 

My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault.

I should have taken them off.

_____________________________

 

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night. Or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

___________________________

 

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough….once she killed herself I started to feel a lot better. So I thought…Sod it….soldier on.

___________________________

 

I woke up this morning at 8 and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn’t know what to do.

Then I remembered Wetherspoons serve breakfast until 11.30.

___________________________

 

A man is seeking to join the Glasgow Police force. The Sergeant doing the interview says:

"Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."

Then, sliding a pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, he says: "Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit"

The man being interviewed asks, "Why the rabbit?"

"Great attitude," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"

_____________________________

 

Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, took me 5 hours to get her off the big wheel.

 

 

I was at the pub the other night and heard three girls with an overabundance of flesh,

talking at the bar.

 

Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three

lassies from Scotland?"

 

One of them screeched, "It's WALES, you bloody idiot!"

So I apologised and replied,

"I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?"

 

And...that's the last thing I remember....

________________________

 

Scouse miscellany

A Liverpool girl goes to the welfare office to register for child benefit. "How many children?" asks the welfare officer. "Ten" replies the Liverpool girl. "Ten?" says the welfare worker,

"What are their names?" "Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan and Nathan", "Doesn't that get confusing?" "Naah..." says the Liverpool girl, "It's great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout 'Nathan yer dinner's ready!' or 'Nathan go to bed now!' and they all do it. "What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the curious welfare worker. "That's easy," says the Liverpool girl... "I just use their surnames"

 

 

 

A Liverpool girl enters an adult shop and asks for a vibrator. The man says: "Choose one from our range on the wall." She says "I'll take that red one." The man replies: "That's a fire extinguisher."

 

 

Q. What do you call a 27 year old Liverpool girl?

A. Granny.

 

Q. What do you call a Liverpool girl in a white tracksuit?

A. The bride.

 

Q. What does a Liverpool girl use as protection during sex?

A. A bus shelter.

 

Q. There are two Liverpool girls in a car without any music - who is driving?

A. The policeman..

 

Q. What's the most confusing day in Liverpool ?

A. Father's day

 

Q. How do people know Jesus wasn't born in Liverpool ?

A. You try finding 3 wise men and a virgin there!

 

 

A Primary Teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Liverpool fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?' 'Because I'm not a Liverpool fan,' she replied. The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?'

'I am a Chelsea fan, and proud of it,' Mary replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Chelsea fan?'

'Because my mum is a Chelsea fan, and my dad is a Chelsea fan, so I'm a Chelsea fan too!'

'Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason for you to be a Chelsea fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time... What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?'

'Then,' Mary smiled, 'I'd be a Liverpool fan.'

 

 

An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar. They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner. He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad. They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!'

Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint. Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter. Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another. After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: 'My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!' Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock. 'Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's A Miracle.'JesusthenapproachestheScouser who says, 'Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit.

 

 

AScouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the counter and said 'Hi, I'm looking for a job'.

The man behind the counter replied 'Your timing is amazing. We've just got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their overseas holidays. The Salary package is £200,000 a year'.

TheScouser said 'You're bullshitting me!'

The man behind the counter said 'Well you started it!'

 

 

Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning when a strange and unusual object was discovered in a car. It later turned out to be a tax disc.

 

 

 

 

Only a Farm Kid...

When you're from the country, your perception is a little bit different.

 

A farmer drove to a neighbour's farmhouse and knocked at the door.

A boy, about 9, opened the door

"Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.

"No, they went to town."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"No, he went with Mom and Dad."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.

"I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message", the boy said.

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad.

It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant".

The boy thought for a moment...

"You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the pig, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."

 

 

 

 

Nescafe manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican

 

After receiving the Papal blessing, the Nescafe official whispers

'Your Eminence, we have an offer for you. Nescafe is prepared to donate

$100 million to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from

'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily coffee'.

 

The Pope responds, 'That is impossible. The prayer is the word of the Lord.

It must not be changed'.

 

'Well,' said the Nescafe man, 'we anticipated your reluctance. For this

reason we will increase our offer to $300 million.'

 

'My son, it is impossible. For the prayer is the word of the Lord and

it must not be changed.'

 

The Nescafe guy says, 'Your Holiness, we at Nescafe respect your adherence

to the faith, but we do have one final offer….

We will donate $500 million - that's half a billion dollars - to the great Catholic

Church if you would only change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our

daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily coffee.' Please consider it.'

 

And he leaves.

 

The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals.

 

 

'There is some good news,' he announces, 'and some bad news.

The good news is that the Church will come into $500 million.'

 

'And the bad news your Holiness?' asks a Cardinal.

 

'We're losing the Hovis account

 

 

[Hamokhamok]

A Russian arrives in London as a new immigrant to the United Kingdom.

 

He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says,

"Thank you Mr. Englander for letting me come into this country, giving

me housing, benefits, free medical care and a free education!"

 

The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am a Romanian."

 

The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having

such a beautiful country here in Great Britain ."

 

The person says, "I not English, I Chinese."

 

The new arrival walks on a bit further and the next person he sees he

stops, shakes his hand, and says, "Thank you for wonderful England !â€

That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East . I

am not English."

 

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an English person ?"

 

She says, "No, I am from Africa ."

 

Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the English peoples ?"

 

The African lady checks her watch and says, "Probably at work.â€

[Hamokhamok]

 

 

 

 

The

Talking Centipede

 

 

A

single guy decided life would be more fun

if he had a pet.

 

So he went to the pet store and

told the owner that

he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

 

After some discussion, he

finally bought a talking centipede,

(100-legged bug), which came in a little white box

to use for his house.

 

He took the box back home,

found a good spot for the box,

and decided he would start off

by taking his new pet

to the bar with him.

 

 

 

So he asked the centipede in the box,

"Would

you like to go to

the bar with me today?

We will have a good time.

 

But there was no answer

from his new pet.

 

This bothered him a bit,

but he waited a few minutes

and then asked again,

"How about going to

the bar with me

and have a beer?"

 

But again, there was no answer

from his new friend and pet.

So he waited a

few minutes more, thinking

about the situation.

 

The guy decided to invite the centipede

one last time.

 

This time he

put his face up against

the centipede's house and shouted,

"Hey, in there!

Would you like to go

to

the bar

for

a beer?"

.....

 

This

 

time,

a

 

little voice

came

 

out of the box,

"I

 

heard you the first time!

 

I'm

putting my Fucking shoes on!"

 

[Hamokhamok]

Teacher:

 

Little Johnny, can you tell me the name of 3 great kings who have brought happiness and peace into people's lives?

 

 

Little Johnny answered:

 

Drin-king, smo-king, and fuc-king.

[Hamokhamok]

Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish.

 

"I think it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet.

 

Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me".

 

Paddy says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".

 

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Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat.

 

It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".

 

Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick the

Bloody thing up.

 

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --

 

Paddy shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her

Contractions are only two minutes apart!"

 

"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.

 

"No", shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!"

 

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---

 

 

Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk, suddenly he has to swerve to

Avoid a tree, then another, then another.

 

A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road.

 

Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road.

 

Cop says "For gods sake Paddy, that's your air freshener swinging

About!"

 

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

 

An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.

 

His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"

 

He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.

 

"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.

 

"Here boy" he replies.

 

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

 

Paddy's in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his

Feet.

 

"What the hell you doing?" he asks.

 

"Hangin’ meself" Paddy replies.

 

"It should be around your neck" says the Guard.

 

"I tried dat" says Paddy "but I couldn't breathe".

 

... ……………….

 

An American tourist asks an Irish dive master: "Why do Scuba divers always

Fall backwards off their boats?"

 

To which the Irishman replies: "If they fell forwards, they'd still be

In the bloody boat."

[Hamokhamok]

 

 

 

 

He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again, back and forth, back and forth........in and out...in and out.

Her heart was pounding...her face was flushed...then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder. Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted................

"OK, OK! So I can't park the fucking car! You do it, you SMUG bastard!"

 

===================================================================================

A sexually active woman told her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment, she insisted that the surgery be kept asecret, and the surgeon agreed.

 

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery, she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she calls in the doctor. 'I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!'

 

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality, and that the first rose was from him. 'I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself. The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had the same procedure done some time ago.'

 

'And what about the third rose?' she asked. 'That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears.'

[Hamokhamok]

 

 

"Have you ever seen a twenty pound note all crumpled

up?" asked the wife.

 

"No," I said.

 

 

She gave me a sexy little smile,slowly reached into her

cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty pound

note.

 

 

"Have you ever seen a fifty pound note all crumpled

up?" she asked.

 

"No," I said.

 

 

She gave me another sexy little smile,seductively

reached into her knickers and pulled out a crumpled

fifty pound note.

 

 

"Now," she said, "have you ever seen 30,000 pounds

all crumpled up?"

 

"No," I said, intrigued.

"Well, go and take a quick look in the garage."

[Hamokhamok]

German short film where a patient is inspected by a doctor, who takes the opportunity to teach medical residents what a rectal obstruction is (She can't shit)

 

If you know German, perfect. And if not, you will understand ... I swear.

 

 

Click on the link below, please.

http://www.youtube.com/embed/jsseUBFDDuo

 

 

 

Enjoy.

[BelgianBoy]

its actually Dutch

[Hamokhamok]

Thanks Belgian Boy. I wouldn't have known the difference. I got it as a 'German' funny film.