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A polite way to call someone a bastard.

A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.

They were even after the first two holes. The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?"


The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms.

The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease. As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80. He confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers.

The first fellow then revealed that he was the Parish Priest.

The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money.

The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."

The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them.

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I went to the Patent Office trying to register some of my inventions.


I went to the main desk to sign in and the lady at the desk had a form that had to be filled out. She wrote down my personal info and then asked me what I had invented.


I said, "A folding bottle."

She said, "Okay, what do you call it?"


"A Fottle."


"What else do you have?"


"I have also invented a folding carton."

Again she said "What do you call it?"


"A Farton."


She sniggered and said, "Those are silly names for products and one of them sounds kind of crude."


I was so upset by her comment that I grabbed the form and left the office without even telling her about my folding bucket.

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Schwartz, Cohen and Ginsburg were all close friends since childhood. They decided they wanted to go into business together.


Schwartz says, "OK! I'll invest $100,000."


Cohen says, "I will go for $200,000."


Ginsburg says, "All right, I'll put in $1,000."


Cohen says, "Since I'm putting in $200,000, I'll be the President and CEO of the corporation. Schwartz, for your $100,000, you can be Vice President and CFO. And Ginsburg, for your $1,000, you will be our Sexual Adviser."


Puzzled, Ginsburg asks Cohen, "What is a Sexual Adviser?"


Cohen replies, "When we want your fucking advice, we'll ask for it."

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  • 2 weeks later...

How It Really Happened




Some years ago President Clinton was hosting a state dinner when, at the last minute, his regular cook fell ill, and they had to get a replacement on short notice.


The fellow arrived and turned out to be a very grubby-looking man named Jon.


The President voiced his concerns to his Chief of Staff but was told that this was the best they could do on such short notice.


Just before the meal, the President noticed the cook sticking his finger in the soup to taste it and again complained to the Chief Of Staff, but he was told that this man was supposed to be a very good chef.


The meal went okay, but the President was sure that the soup tasted a bit funny.


By the time dessert came, he was starting to have stomach cramps and nausea.


It was getting worse and worse until finally the President had to excuse himself from the dinner to look for the bathroom.


Passing through the kitchen, he caught sight of the cook, Jon, scratching his butt, which made him feel even worse.


By now, the President was desperately ill with violent cramps and was so disorientated that he couldn't remember which door led to the bathroom.


He tried every door in the hallway and was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he finally found a door that opened.


As he unzipped his trousers and ran in, he realized to his horror that he had stumbled into Monica Lewinsky's office with his trousers around his knees.


The President fell to the floor in pain and as he was just about to pass out, Monica bent over him to listen for a heartbeat and heard the President whisper in a barely audible voice:


"Sack my cook."

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Husband takes the wife to a disco.


There's a guy on the dance floor giving it large - break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the works.


The wife turns to her husband and says: "See that guy?

25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."


Husband says:

"Looks like he's still f***in celebrating!!!

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A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair.


Her mom calmly said- "that part where hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair"

the girl smiled.

At dinner, she told her sister-"my monkey has grown hair"


Her sister smiled and said-"that's nothing, mine is already eating bananas."


Mom fainted.

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