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Any New Jokes


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I have posted this one before, apologies.


A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, "Excuthe me, do you have any widdle wabbits?"


The shopkeeper's heart melts. He gets down on his knees so that he's on her level, and says, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft, fuffy bwack wabbit, or one like that widdle bwown wabbit over there?"


The little girl blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and whispers... "I don't weally fink my pyfon gives a phuk."

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A rather casually dressed man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.


So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there.â?? and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.


She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, glanced even more coolly at the man, and then sent a note back to him.


The waiter took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.


It read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants'.


After reading the note, the man wrote a short reply, folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.


It read: 'Just to let you know things are not always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Mirabelle, a Bentley Convertible, a Mercedes SL600, and a Porsche Carrera 4. They are kept in several garages. I have a beautiful home in Aspen, a villa in Italy, a condominium in South Florida and a 10,000 acre ranch in California. There are over one hundred and sixty million dollars in my bank account and my portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you are, would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle backâ?Â.

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Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'


Miraculously, a parking place appeared.


Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'

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Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'


The man said, 'I do, Father.'


The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'


Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'


'Certainly, Father,' was the man's reply.


'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.


Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'


O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.'


The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?'


O 'Toole replied, 'Oh, when I die, yes! Sorry I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.'

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Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.


He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.


Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.


He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.


In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.


She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'


Flynn said, 'Why would you say such a mean thing?'


'Well,' Mary said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

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Crazy Mike the Biker walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight. I've never had three girls at once, and I need something to keep me horny... keep me potent." The pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small cardboard box marked with a label "Viagra Extra Strength" and says, "Here, if you eat this, you'll go NUTS for 12 hours!"


Then Crazy Mike says, "Gimme three boxes!" The next day, Crazy Mike walks into the same pharmacy, right up to the same pharmacist and pulls down his pants. The pharmacist looks in horror as he notices the man's penis is black and blue, and the skin is hanging off in some places.


Crazy Mike says, "Gimme a bottle of BenGay."


The pharmacist replies, "BenGay?!?!?! You're not going to put BenGay on that are you?"


Crazy Mike says, "No, it's for my arms, the girls didn't show up."

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The Half Wit


A man owned a small farm in South Australia.


The Adelaide Workplace Ombudsman claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an investigator out to interview him.


"We believe that workers here have been underpaid thousands of dollars in wages and entitlements. We prosecute employers in the Federal Court, especially when the breaches are deliberate, ongoing and substantial. I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the investigator.


"Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $700 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $650 per week plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $70 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Barossa Valley Shiraz every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."


"That's the guy I want to talk to --- the half-wit," said the investigator.


"That would be me," replied the farmer.

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